Understuck
by Fr1ck
Summary: John Egbert finds himself taking on a little more than he can handle, when he falls into the monster inhabited underground. However, problems on the surface may pose an even larger threat, with the Condesce's iron fisted rule, humans facing extinction, and trolls fighting desperately for their freedom. Is the surface really worth returning to? (Crossover trashfic first draft.)
1. Chapter 1

(A/N. This is an unfinished/first draft of a story a couple of friends and me are writing, crossing over the universes of Homestuck and Undertale. I am unsure how much of this first chapter will make it into the final thing, since my friends haven't had chance to read over it and suggest their changes just yet, and I have noticed a significant change in the following chapters, which I prefer much more to this one. This chapter seems to follow the game a little too literally. But any feedback/criticism is welcome. I also don't think this site will be the fanfic's final destination, since we will be including illustrations/animations and coloured text, but I haven't found a place that does all that yet. Hopefully, if I don't get lazy, all the text at least will make it onto here. ^w^ (I'm also super not used to writing in first person present tense, and it probably shows. XD))

Narrator: Long ago, two races ruled over Earth: Humans and Monsters.

Narrator: One day, war broke out between the two-

) (IC: ) ( OLD UP! hold just one codsweepin moment!

Narrator: What?

) (IC: hold the fuck up!

Narrator: Would you mind not interrupting my narration?

Narrator: And tone down the swearing! You rude fuck!

Narrator: Who are you, anyway? And how did you get in here?

Narrator: Oh blast, now I have gone and forgotten where I was! Are you happy?

) ( IC: i wouldna had to interrupt if you were tellin it right

) (IC: where the trolls at? wheres the mention of my boatiful shellf? ) (M?!

Narrator: Well, I was getting to the trolls. I had to set the mood right, first.

) (IC: you was tellin it all too slow what happened to my part in all this?

) (IC: cant you skipper ahead to how i liberated the fuck out a the humans even tho they looked to be doin just fine at beatin the monsters themshellves

) (IC: but whatevs i lent them my godly powers anyway cause im nice and shit

) (IC: then like the shell slamming empress i am i took over this joint sealed those motherfuckin monsters underground and told the humans to bow down before their saviour

Narrator: Yes, I was getting to all of that. Now would you mind letting me resume?

Narrator: Your alien highness.

) (IC: aight chill

) (IC: go ahead

Narrator: Thank you.

Narrator: *Ahem.*

Narrator: Once the monsters were sealed below ground, the humans were made to bow down to their new ruler. (for fear that the same would happen to them.)  
) (IC: you make it sound like im some kind a tyrant jeeze!

Narrator: Don't interrupt!

) (IC: sorry

Narrator: Years later, legends say that those who climb Mount Ebott never return...

 **Understuck: Level 1.**

A young man stands in a tall cavern, lit only by a sliver of sunlight shining down from above, aiding his tremendous headache. It seems he has fallen down.

Lucky this bed of golden flowers is here or that might have hurt a lot more. What is a bed of golden flowers doing down here anyway? He wonders. Or, would wonder if he gave a fuck about the location of flowers.

The young man tries desperately to remember how he got here. Oh! That's right! Today was his wriggling day, and his lusus brought him to the mountain to engorge themselves on disgustingly sweet cake. He recalls seeing a small child in a striped sweater, playing near the mouth of a deep looking hole. He told the child to get out of there before they fell down and had all sorts of wacky adventures.

Apparently the young man fell down instead. He takes a short moment to ponder what would have happened if the child had fallen down. Welp. No one will ever know now.

It appears to be time to name the young man. A naming screen appears above his head, and he looks at it like what the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck is that?!

What will you do?

LEGENDARY FARTMASTER

No! No! That will never do!

JOHN EGBERT

That's better.

Your name is John Egbert. Now that your headache seems to have abated somewhat, perhaps it is time to move on to the next room?

John- Use the arrow keys to navigate into the next chamber.

You walk into the next chamber, using your own legs, and your own brain, because you have no idea what that command was all about. Anyway, as you step through a rather extravagant archway, you are greeted by...another golden flower. But hold on. This one is looking right back at you!

Flowey: Howdy!

Flowey: I'm Flowey! Flowey the flower.

What a friendly little guy. You should totally go and greet him. You are positive that is the right choice to make right now, and nothing could possibly go wrong at all.

Flowey: It looks like you're new to the underground. Golly! You must be so confused.

Flowey: But don't worry. I'll take good care of you. I'll even show you how things work down here. Ready?

John: uhh...

Flowey: Splendid!

Flowey: You see that heart? That is your soul-

John: wow, really?

Flowey: -The very culmination of your being-

John: it's so cute and small and blue!

John: oh fuck yes i can move it around!

Flowey: ...Your soul is weak for now. But it can grow strong if you gain a lot of LV!

John: level?

Flowey: ...No...LOVE, of course!

John: lame...

Flowey: Down here. Love is shared through...Little white...'friendliness pellets'.

John: gay!

Flowey: ...You want some love, don't ya?

John: i dunno, sounds pretty gay.

Flowey: Just...Move around and get as many as you can!

John: alright. if that is how things are done down here, i'll embrace the blatant homosexuality just this once.

You move around and get as many gay-...I mean 'friendliness pellets' as you can.

John: ouch!

Flowey: You idiot!

John: holy shit that hurt!

Flowey: Oh man, it feels so good to finally shut you up.

Flowey: DIE!

Just when you think you are about to die – which would have been a very shitty way for your adventure to end – a fireball appears and knocks the living shit out of that demonic flower. Yeah convenient fireball! You get him!

It looks like there's someone else here. You keep your guard up this time. In hindsight, maybe you should have kept it up from the beginning.

No, don't flip ME off, John. You only have yourself to blame. Sheesh.

Toriel: Oh, what a terrible creature, torturing such a poor, innocent youth.

Toriel: Worry not, my child, I am Toriel, caretaker of the Ruins. I have taken it upon myself to check every day, to see if anyone has fallen down.

Toriel: Come. I will guide you.

She seems nice.

You follow Toriel out of this chamber and into the next, all the while using your own legs, and all the while keeping your guard up.

Oh look! A little yellow thing on the ground.

Although your experience with little yellow things has gone abysmally so far, what could it hurt for you to just...reach down and...touch it...

Suddenly, you are filled with DETERMINATION!

You also realize all your wounds are healed. You feel much better now.

Toriel leads you through another room, and a series of puzzles. But you barely pay any attention to them. Surely they won't be of any importance later on. Surely.

HoNk!

What the hell was that?

You choose to ignore the ominous sound, confident that won't become relevant later on, either.

Toriel leads you into a small chamber, inhabited only by a dummy.

Toriel: Now my child, being a human in the underground, monsters may try to attack you.

Toriel: When you encounter a monster, you will enter a FIGHT. But do not fret. Stall for time. Talk to the monster, and I will come to resolve the conflict. ]:D

John: uh...what?

You suddenly become aware of the hammer in your hand. You brought it along to fight off any cakes your lusus attempted to feed you today. However, now you may have found another use for it. Good ol' monster bashing!

Toriel: Here. Practice talking to the dummy.

You stare at the dummy in front of you. It stares back. A strife menu is activated, and four options appear in front of you:

FIGHT ACT ITEM MERCY

Fight seems the obvious choice. But it's just a dummy. The item option doesn't even work. Maybe because your pockets are empty. Fuck it. You hit ACT and TALK to the dummy.

John: um...hi.

Dummy: ...

John: nice weather to...

John: fill some buckets.

John: don't you think? ;B

You wiggle your eyebrows at the dummy and decide to spew profanity, because there is no way this could come back to haunt you later. And there is no way that was a pun.

For a moment, you feel as though the dummy gave you a look like 0_0 but you shrug it off because Toriel seems happy with you.

You won! You got 0 EXP and 0 GOLD. You don't know what that means, but it pisses you off anyway.

hOnK!

As Toriel leads you through yet more puzzles, and into a large chamber, you begin to decide you can trust her. She seems genuine enough. She hasn't tried to eat you or bombard your poor little adorable blue heart soul with 'friendliness pellets'. Yes, you will tag along with her until you find an exit. You are almost certain she won't abandon you before then.

Toriel: You have done excellently thus far, my child.

Toriel: However, I have a difficult request to ask of you.

John: oh shit! Do you want me to battle a dragon and rescue the whole of the underground?

Toriel: Wh-what?

John: or like, slay a whole army of the undead?

Toriel: I...

John: or play a video game that sucks me straight out of this reality and into a big wacky adventure with a group of friends i haven't met yet? where i become like a god with awesome powers and cool as shit pyjamas?

Toriel: My child...I would just like you to walk to the end of this room.

John: walk?

Toriel: Yes. Alone.

John: ...oh...

Toriel takes off faster than you can say, well fuck, she abandoned me after all. You try to follow and catch up, but by some magic force out of your control, she is already gone.

God damn this room is long! And that music isn't helping, either.

You feel something could jumpscare you at any moment...

Any moment...

Any moment now...

Oh sweet troll Jegus in a bucket there it is!

Toriel ambushes you from behind a randomly placed pillar, looking pleased with her ability to scare the absolute fuck out of you. You're pretty sure your little blue heart soul just disintegrated. RIP little blue buddy. You will be missed.

Toriel: Are you listening, my child?

John: huh?

Toriel: I said, I will give you a cell phone. Feel free to contact me at any time.

Toriel: Be good, alright?

Toriel: Oh, and do not leave this room until I get back. It is dangerous ahead.

Well shit. Now you are well and truly alone. You guess you could always just take a peek at the next room...

John- Disobey orders from your new goat lusus.

You decide to step out into the next chamber, and the moment your foot crosses the threshold, your phone begins to ring.

How do they always know!

John: i didn't leave the room!

Toriel: That is good, my child. ]:D Just wait a little longer.

Toriel: I was just calling to make sure you are alright.

John: yeah i'm fine.

John: totally still where you left me, and everything.

Toriel: Great! Well, call me if you need anything.

Oh dear, it looks like she really trusted you to stay where you were. You really feel like a total douche now. But look! Another little yellow thing. You should go touch it.

Again, you are filled with DETERMINATION. You feel this may be important.

To the North, there is a completely blacked out doorway. Hm...Sounds like a whopping good time!

You enter the room and find yourself face to face with a bowl of monster candy. The sign says: 'Take one.'

Take a piece of candy?

You take a piece of candy, and immediately find that the ITEM option is now available. Looks like you have quite a bit of space.

You take another piece of candy, while simultaneously feeling like the scum of the Earth. But you don't stop there! That candy looks hella delicious. You are unable to stop yourself grabbing more.

The bowl tips over and spills all the candy on the floor.

Look at what you've done, you greedy asshole.

You decide to explore the Ruins. They don't seem so tough! If every room is like the dummy room, or the candy room, or the ridiculously long room with the randomly placed pillar, this will be a breeze! Show Toriel you're an independent child.

As you go, you feel eyes watching you, and clutch your hammer in anticipation. You're really in the mood to slay evil beasts right now! Bring them on!

Almost immediately after you think this, one of the aforementioned evil beasts approaches.

It's a Froggit. This monster looks a little slow.

The strife menu pops into existence, but before you decide to bash the little guy's brains out with your super cool customized hammer, you drag your adorable little blue soul heart over to the ACT option. This monster doesn't seem so bad. And you think you'd feel terrible if you senselessly pummelled it to death without at least trying to make it uncomfortable enough to leave on its own first.

You decide to compliment the Froggit.

John: that's a nice...er...slimy thing you've got going on.

John: you must get all the frog ladies.

The Froggit stops being angry, and blushes. Although you feel like it didn't understand a word you said.

It fires a few half hearted magical attacks at your soul, which you dodge effortlessly.

The Froggit's name is now yellow. You're not completely sure what that means, but you suppose that's progress. Although, it isn't just giving up like the dummy. Probably because the Froggit is a sentient, if not dim-witted being. Too proud to back down itself. But, at the same time, you can't bring yourself to raise your hammer to such an adorable opponent, no matter how awesome it is, or how suited to monster bashing it happens to be.

No, you'll leave FIGHT alone for now. ACT seems to have served its purpose in calming the little guy, and you don't want to give him any of your delicious candy. You try the MERCY option, and find two more choices: SPARE and FLEE.

You shall not abscond like a coward! So you decide to be the bigger man and refuse to fight.

You spare the Froggit. You won! And...you got 0 EXP and 2 GOLD. At least that's more than the cheap ass dummy gave you, but it still pisses you off.

You wander around a bit more, encountering and conquering more adorable monsters as you go. And by conquering, you mean sparing them mercifully. You begin to want to use your hammer less and less. In fact, you are certain beyond any reasonable shadow of a doubt that they are now your friends.

John- Become leader of the cute little monsters of the Ruins.

You parade around for an hour or so, loving every awesome moment of the little Froggit's and Whimsun's and Loox's and Moldsmol's and Vegetoid's sweet attention. You go into great detail as you tell them about your favourite movie, Con Air. It's an ancient one, but oh, you must show them one day! Nic Cage is a God and should be enjoyed by all; even little slime monsters who wiggle their hips flirtatiously. You didn't even know slime could flirt.

As the time ticks by, you think maybe you should contact Toriel soon. It's quite unfair to keep her out of the loop on this sweet Cage celebration. But, again, as the thought crosses your mind, your cell phone begins to ring.

You swear, every lusus must be a psychic, or something.

John: hey toriel.

Toriel: Hello, my child. I am sorry for taking so long.

John: it's fine. i'm having a blast!

John: er...here in this room.

John: which i haven't left.

Toriel: I am glad.

Toriel: I just called to ask you...hypothetically, of course. Do you prefer cinnamon or butterscotch?

John: uh...

For some reason, this question seems familiar to you, and you begin to feel a little uneasy.

Toriel: Oh, wait!

Toriel: Let me guess. Hehe.

Toriel: It is butterscotch, is it not?

John: ...

John: yeah.

Toriel: And you have an allergy to peanuts?

John: um...yes.

Toriel: Alright.

Toriel: I mean, not that it will be relevant any time soon.

John: right

Toriel: Oddly enough, I often feel like I know the humans who fall down here. How bizarre! Hehe.

John: ...haha...yeah. that's pretty crazy...lol.

The feeling of unease only grows as Toriel hangs up. You decide this is enough partying for today, and bid farewell to your new friends.

You don't know if it was the strange déjà vu you just experienced, or if someone spruced up the air conditioning down here, but this corridor is a little thermonuclearly challenged.

Napstablook: Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Napstablook: Zzzzz...Snore...Zzzz...

Napstablook: Totally asleep right now

This ghost is pretending to sleep. It's so obvious, you almost feel bad disturbing him.

Almost.

You have to get through, after all. The strife menu appears again, as you decide to move it with force.

This guy's name is Napstablook, and they look like they could use some cheerful encouragement.

John: Cheer Napstablook.

John: hey, ghost. do you think you could move over a little bit?

John: only i really think the place i need to be is probably down this way.

Napstablook: Oh no...Have I inconvenienced you?

John: little bit.

Napstablook: Oh no...

Goddamnit John. They're more upset than ever now. Way to go, dick for brains!

Napstablook is inconsolable, and their tears are getting all over your little blue heart soul!

John: ow ow ow! sorry! ok, calm down! you don't have to move, just please stop pelting me with tears!

John: you want cheering up? fine!

John: here's a joke.

John: why couldn't the ghost go to the prom?

John: he had no BODY to go with.

Nabstablook absconds. They have never been so insulted in their entire afterlife!

You won. But at what cost?

Oh well, the next room looks all kinds of interesting. Look! There's even a sign and everything. You should read it.

John- Press Z to read signs.

You read the sign using your eyes because seriously, what the hell? You are a busy man, and you don't have time for bogus commands.

[Spider 8akesale ahead! Come eat food made for spiders, 8y spiders, OF spiders! ::::)]

That sounds a8solutely disgusting. But your curiosity is piqued. You leave 8 GOLD in the web. Some spiders politely hand you a doughnut. It looks like it will be relevant to the plot later, but it also looks almost as disgusting as it sounds. You decide to leave it.

On your way out of the room, something catches your eye. In the corner, you find a dusty old pair of shades. Oh, God they look cool! You can barely fathom the level of coolness they possess. You are absolutely certain that wearing the shades will make you at least 50 times more cool than you are now.

You decide to take the shades and add them to your inventory, inadvertently destroying a cobweb in the process.

You got the Ironic Shades.

As you leave the room, you could swear you just heard a very small, very angry voice call you an 'ASSH8LE!' but you ignore it. It's time to go find Toriel and show her how independent you are!

While you were busy upsetting ghosts, and toying with the emotions of spiders, neither, you are certain, will come back to bite you in the ass later, your adorable new monster friends have deactivated all the puzzles ahead. How kind of them! Unhindered by strife or puzzles, you take time to admire your surroundings. Everything is so purple, except for the leaves scattered about. How could all these leaves get so far into the Ruins? You ponder. Now you think of it, there were no leaves in the golden flower chamber. Perhaps that means there's a way out ahead!

Eager to find an exit, while also being sad about the prospect of leaving behind your new friends, you stumble upon a crossroads. Hm...Which way?

John- Proceed straight forward?

Oh wow! Look at that view. The Ruins are far bigger than you had first thought. So many buildings. It is kind of melancholy, you think. The majority of the buildings look abandoned. What happened down here?

Something on the ground catches your eye, and you realize it is a sword...Er...You think? You pick it up.

You got the Legendary piece of shit!

This is...without a doubt...THE shittiest sword you have ever seen. Can it even be called a sword? It's broken and everything! But you shrug and put it in your pocket anyway. You make a mental note to swap it out for your hammer at some point and try it out. Not on these cute monsters, though. Never on your adorable new comrades.

Speaking of cute monsters, it looks like that Froggit wants to talk to you about something.

Froggit: Ribbit, ribbit.

Froggit: Hello human.

John: hi froggit!

John: er...if that's your name?

John: like, are you all called the same thing? like pokemon.

John: or do you all have individual names and stuff?

Froggit: Ribbit.

John: you didn't get a word of that, did you?

Froggit: Ribbit..

John: ok. i'm going to call you casey.

John: you are a girl, right?

John: can froggit's be girls?

Froggit: Ribbit...

Froggit: Human, there is something I must warn you about.

John: huh? what? oh no, don't tell me that douchey flower has been following me.

John: that guy really makes me uncomfortable with his weird sort of way of coming on to me. doesn't he realize i'm not a homosexual?

Froggit: Ribbit!

John: i mean, if a super hot HUMAN guy came on to me, i might be open to the idea. but he's a goddamn flower! how would that even work?

Froggit: RIBBIT!

Froggit: Human! Shut up!

John: oops, sorry.

Froggit: It's not the flower I want to warn you about.

John: it's not?

Froggit: No. Although, I'm sure he's following you. That's kind of just his thing, the way saying ribbit is a Froggit's thing. But, the one us monsters trapped in here are concerned about, is Toriel.

John: toriel? no way! she's super cool. She gave me a phone and everything. it's really old, but it works. and she keeps calling to see if i'm ok.

Froggit: She's far stronger than everything else here, and it's been said every human she's captured has disappeared. And I'm pretty sure she eats grubs.

John: ew. you mean troll wrigglers? why would she eat those? they're gross!

John: oh no, she's not going to make me eat them too is she?

Froggit: Ribbit. Probably.

Froggit: If she doesn't eat you first.

John: sheesh, you're a really grumpy froggit, you know that?

John: i regret calling you casey now.

John: i'm sure everything's fine. toriel seems really nice.

John: and if not, i just found this sweet sword.

John: ok well, it's not really sweet.

John: it's kind of shitty, actually. but i have my hammer too.

Froggit: Ribbit. You can only use one weapon at a time.

John: what? really?

Froggit: Yes. One weapon, and one defence item.

John: well that's lame. what if i wanted to make a sweet combo attack?

Froggit: You can't.

John: fuck.

Froggit: You'll get used to it.

John: *sigh* i guess.

John: well...later, not casey.

You leave the room, feeling perturbed. Was that little detour really worth it?

HoNk!

Toriel: Oh dear. I should not have left the human for so long! I do hope he is alright.

Just before you can explore the other path, Toriel appears at its entrance, dialling a number on her phone.

Your phone begins to ring, and you answer it.

John: hey toriel.

Toriel: Are you alright?

Toriel: I am on my way back right now.

John: er...

Toriel: Stay where you are. I will continue to help you through the Ruins.

John: toriel, i think there is really no need to do that.

Toriel: My child, it is not safe. There are many monsters, and you may get lost.

John: ...

John: you should probably look behind you.

You hang up your phone just as Toriel turns to see you. Her eyes widen in shock, and you wave awkwardly back at her.

Toriel: How did you-

Toriel: When did you-

Toriel: Are you hurt?

John: nah, i'm fine.

Toriel: You left the room.

John: i...was unclear on where the room ended. it was pretty big.

Toriel: Oh.

Toriel: I apologize for not making it clear.

Toriel: Well...it seems there was no harm done. Come, my child! I have a surprise for you.

You follow Toriel down the unexplored path, and find yourself in a cute little garden. There is a cute little tree in the center. Ironically, there are leaves all over the ground, but none on the tree itself.

One last little yellow thing greets you before you enter Toriel's house, and you grab yourself some of that sweet DETERMINATION.

As you enter Toriel's house, the aroma of baking fills your nose, and you groan inwardly. Yet another lusus obsessed with cake.

Toriel: Can you guess what the surprise is? Tee hee.

John: er...

Toriel: It is a butterscotch-cinnamon pie!

John: ...great.

Toriel: Oh, and I have one other surprise!

John: a chocolate cake?

Toriel: No, silly. Follow me.

You follow Toriel down the corridor, and come to a stop at the first door.

Toriel: It is a bedroom of your very own. I want you to be comfortable living here.

John: living here?

John: what?

John: wait! toriel!

John: what do you mean 'living here'?

John: Examine your new bedroom.

You decide that, before making your daring escape, you should at least see what this place has to offer. There might be benefits to living with a big goat monster. She could fuck up all your enemies for one thing. If you had any enemies. Which you don't. Because you've been super nice to everyone down here. There is no way in hell anyone else is going to attack you. Ever.

Entering the room, you find it is pleasantly cosy, if a little dusty. There is a box of toys at the end of the bed. They look as though they haven't been played with for quite a while, which is a shame, because they look really cool. They don't interest you though. You're too old for that sort of stuff!

You sit down on the bed, gazing over at the empty photo frame on the shelf. It's even dustier than the toys.

John- Fall asleep.

You're not entirely sure how, or by what stroke of wizardry you even felt so tired in the first place, but you find yourself waking up, tucked snugly under the blanket. It's dark now, and you feel confused and disorientated.

The aroma of butterscotch-cinnamon pie wafts up from the floor, and you see Toriel has left you a slice.

What a considerate kidnapper. You take the pie and put it in your pocket, along with the monster candy, ironic shades and shitty sword.

Nice.

Nice going, John.

Something else catches your eye while you are busy being ridiculous, and you go see what it is. Is that...a box of children's shoes? Human children's shoes? Ok, now you wonder whether the Froggit was onto something...

John- Explore house.

This house really is cozy, yet it has the same melancholic, lonely feeling as the rest of the Ruins. You don't think Toriel ever has company. This saddens you.

As you examine furniture and faded patches on the walls, where photographs had once hung, you feel an overwhelming amount of sympathy for Toriel.

So much sympathy, that the next room you decide to snoop around in, is Toriel's bedroom.

On the desk is a diary, opened at today's page. Will you read it?

John- Read diary.

'I think he is really beginning to warm to my puns. I hope so. He seems like such a sweet boy, even if he is a little loud. It is nice to have a little company every now and then. I hope he continues to show up.

Oh! I have just remembered a good one!

Why do crabs have to wear mittens when they go to the shop?

So that they do not pinch anything.

Hehehe! I think he will love it.'

You move away from the diary to explore the rest of the room.

Behind you is a very tsundere looking cactus, and to the right, you see a chest of drawers.

You open the top drawer.

Scandalous!

It's Toriel's sock drawer.

Do goat monsters even wear socks?

There is something else by the desk...Oh God is that a bucket?

You recoil in horror and flee from the room before you can see it is merely full of snails.

One more room awaits at the end of the corridor, and you decide to brave it. What could be worse than a bucket, you ponder? Oh God, what if this room is filled with multiples of them! Do you really want to try that handle and reveal the horrors inside?

Well, you can't because it's locked. Which makes it even more suspicious.

You gaze thoughtfully at your reflection in the mirror at the end of the corridor. It's you!

I͂͆͏̗͓̳̰̺̀ţ͖̖̙͔̦̯̬̣ͩ͊̓ͣ̑ͮ̕'̶ͮ̃̍ͨ̓҉̹̳͡s̶̘͈ͥͩ ͙̗̤̙ͮ̽ͣ̽͛ͅy̻̦̜̆̀̏̂̂ͤ͊ͩ̀͡͞o̝͔̬̥͔̾͌̌u̷͈̐̌.͚̥͚͚̘̼͑͑̿̑̇ͭ̊͝.̢̳̰͉͙̹̦̹̠̒̒ͬ͑̔͘̕.̵̖͖̦̣̥̩̝̒͑͌ ̘̭̹̱̞͖̠͇͗͐̈͊̈͘͝͞

J̺͇̻̞̒o̙͖̮͓ͨ̊ͬͯ͑̆͌ͅh̩͒̈́ͨ͗̅̌n̵̢͙̰̍̒̆ͧ̌̿͢:̙̬͈̜͈͌̒͌͌ͭ ̋̎̉ I͛ͪͧͯ҉̥̦̕͞g͙̺ͦ̑̀̎̒n̶̗̤̖̩͊͟ͅo̴̾̓ͮ̂̈̂ͣ͏̘̥̩̗̻͉̭́r̢̼̫͓̆̀ͩ͝e̴͊̌̿ͯ͏̡͔̞̖ ͉̺̺̋͑ͤͬ͋ͯ̚͜t̷̸̢̺̭ͨ́͗ͣ̅̋̉͗h̖̦̲̣̟̳̜͒̋ͦe ̴̢̫̠̦̗̮̘ͭ̽̿͝g̺̝̘̱̪̰̫̀̇ļ̩̦̳̓ͪ̇ḯ̴ͣ͌̍̉͂ͬͧ̓҉͇͇ẗ̷̘̞̠̱͓́̈́ͭ͗̏͠c͙̮̫̺̻̳̝͎͆ͧ̌̕͜͝ͅḩ̲͙͕ͨ̋̓̚ỉ͛͆ͨ̎͡͏̣͈̝̻n̢͎͕̥̹͈͚͙ͩ̒̐ͤ̾͐̊ͩ̾̀g̡͉̺̹̬̣̞ͦ͗͗ͧ͐́̈̃̀̀ ̤͈̖̯ͬͤͪ́ͣį͍͎̩̣̀̂n͉̹͚͉̗͍͓̏͒̽͜ ̳͕ͫͮ͟ṭ̷͎ͪ͛́̀͞h̪̭̦ͦ̿̈́̀͝e͈̺̓̅̉̀͢ ͔͓̈̈́̉̅͆M ̳̺̪à̵͍̖̦̽̌ͫ̃́t̘͓̳͈͖̥̬̭̗̽̏̑͗r̷̴̪̞͔̹̺͙͖̯ͬͤͬi̺̠̰̲̊̍̀̒̀͘̕ͅx͓̦̪̌̿ͬ͌ͭͩ̾̒͟͝͝ ̯͖̯̺̝͚̔̀͛ͩ̏̓͛ͫ͡a̢̙͔̺͚̺ͦ̅̌ͪ̽ͧͯ̍͐ͅn̞͈̳̖̙̬͑̈́ͫ̋͐͞d̵̞͇̰͍̞͎̂͊̓͋́͜ ̵̢̜̝͖̪͎̳̲̪͆̾̐͐͞g ͇͓ơ̞̣̰̩̅ͣͅ ͋ͥ͌ͬ͛͊҉̣͞f̷̡̗͔̜̐̒̐͂̽͠i̡͕̰̳͓̓ͮ́ͦ̚̕͠ņ̞͓̹̠͎͈̲̽̓͑̈ͩͨ͟d̝̹͑̋͌͐̽͊ͧ̊͋́͝ ̴͔͖͉͈̜̻ͭ̆̿ͣ̽̓ͣ̄̕͝T̙̮͖͔̪͓̖̏̈ͅỏ̧͚͚͔̯̈́̈͑̃ͯr͚̘̰͉͎̞̉́ͅḭ̥ͯe̶̥̪̣̯̦ͥ͌ͮͤ͂̐̃͆ͦl̨̠̘̗̹͈̤̖̅͆͗̑͌̇ͦ.̠͕̻̞̝̬̮̙͙̏̊

Toriel is in the living room, reading a book in a comfy looking chair. The scent of butterscotch-cinnamon pie is heavy in this room.

You wouldn't mind staying here just a little longer, but you really don't want to out stay your welcome.

John: hey.

Toriel: Oh, awake so soon?

Toriel: What is it, my child?

John: um...thanks for the pie, and the bed and everything. but i really should get going.

John: my lusus can get a bit full on when he's worried. i bet he's baked like a dozen cakes already since i've been gone.

Toriel: You...wish to leave?

John: yes, very much so.

Toriel: But, my child, THIS is your home now.

John: ...no...no i don't think it is.

Toriel: Wouldn't you like to stay and help me finish this book?

John: no, i should definitely be on my way now.

Toriel: It is fun though, see!

Toriel: Here, here is a fascinating snail fact-

John: a who now?

John: no, toriel. i am super grateful for everything, but i really have to leave.

Toriel: ...

John: toriel?

Toriel: ...

Toriel: I have to do something.

John: huh?

Before you can fathom what the hell that was all about, Toriel flees the room. She even left her book so you're pretty sure she's up to some serious business. But you don't have time to wait for her to get done with whatever shenanigan she's boggled herself down with in an attempt to shun this awkward conversation. Plus, you're pretty sure she's doing something to prevent you from leaving.

John- Follow Toriel.

You follow Toriel down into the basement. The homely feel upstairs is completely gone now. Something big is about to happen and you don't think you're going to like it.

Rummaging in your pockets, you switch your defence and attack items to the ironic shades and legendary piece of shit. You're more protected this way. Also, you look pretty badass, you think.

Toriel's eyes flash with a sort of sad recognition.

Toriel: You foolish child.

Toriel: Please go back upstairs.

Toriel: I am trying to protect you, do you not see?

Toriel: Every human who comes down here...They all leave eventually...And they all die. If I let you go...ASGORE will kill you.

Toriel: I am going to destroy the exit to the rest of the underground. No human will have to suffer at his hands ever again.

John: no, no. that is a thing you definitely shouldn't do.

John: i can protect myself. i've been doing a pretty sweet job of it so far.

Toriel: Hmph.

Toriel: You want to prove yourself?

John: wha-

Toriel: Fine! Prove yourself. Prove to me you are strong enough to survive!

The strife menu appears in front of you, as Toriel blocks the door ahead. You stand your ground, and stay Determined!

No matter how hard she attacks. No matter how much she refuses to calm down. No matter how much she rejects all attempts to talk, you refuse to fight back. Toriel is tough, but you don't feel she is evil. You get the feeling that harming her would be a big mistake. An almost looming feeling of déjà vu keeps you in place, using the shitty sword only as a shield.

The shades only provide a little extra defence, and you're down to your last monster candy. They replenish your health about as well as the little glowy yellow things. Your health is down to two, whatever that means. But it doesn't sound good. You should probably use that last monster candy.

But, just as you reach for it, you realize something. Toriel's aim is off. Is she not trying to hit you any more?

You refuse to fight one more time, deciding to take the chance.

Toriel: Huh?

Toriel: What are you doing?

John: ...

Toriel: Attack me!

Toriel: Attack me right now, or go back upstairs!

Toriel: You will never defeat Asgore this way!

John: it's not asgore i'm fighting.

John: it's you, and you're a good person. and i refuse to hurt a good person.

Toriel: ...

Toriel: Please.

Toriel: Please...Just go back upstairs!

Toriel: You could be happy here.

Toriel: WE could be happy here.

Toriel: I will make sure you are never lonely.

Toriel: I can be your friend, and teacher, and guardian.

Toriel: So...Please...Stop being so defiant!

John: ...

John: i'm sorry toriel, but i can't do that.

Toriel: ...

Toriel: Hehe...

Toriel: I really am pathetic, am I not?

Toriel: I can not even save the life of one child.

Toriel: Go ahead. I will not stop you. I just hope you can prove me wrong.

John: Be hugged by Toriel.

Toriel: Goodbye, my child. And good luck.

You watch as Toriel walks away, feeling like literal garbage. Maybe, once you have used your shitty sword to defeat Asgore, who sounds like a total asshole, maybe you can come back and help Toriel.

You proceed up the long corridor ahead towards the exit of the Ruins. You are confident about the journey ahead, and Determined to succeed.

 **End of Level 1.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Intermission.**

Years in the past, but not many.

A young man lays in a tall cavern, still unconscious from the fall. Lucky these golden flowers were here to cushion his landing, otherwise he might have been in a whole world of pain when he wakes up. What is a bed of flowers doing down here in the first place? He wonders. Or, would wonder if he was awake and actually gave a shit.

Something else is stirring among the flowers, moving closer and closer to the young man. He might be very perturbed by the movement, were he conscious. The moving...thing seems to want to investigate the young man's shades. Well, they are pretty cool.

A small grub shuffles out from the flowers and presses his feet to the unconscious boy's face, admiring his own reflection in those radical mirror shades. Startled by the sudden and moving image, however, the grub jumps back in surprise, hissing furiously.

Finally, the human awakens from his nap. It is now time to name him.

The naming screen appears above the human, scaring the shit out of the grub. But, nevertheless, he wants to try this thing out, because he is an adventurous little grub who likes to do a lot of important stuff!

Grub- Keyboard smash.

ADSFL; FUCK ASS

Ok, no.

Why don't you try again?

And be mature about it this time!

NOOK SNIFFER

Alright. You just lost your naming privileges!

DAVE STRIDER

There. Now that's a cool name for a cool dude with important adventuring to do!

Your name is Dave Strider. Now that you are conscious, if not somewhat confused, why don't you try exploring your surroundings?

Dave- Use the arrow keys to move into the next chamber.

Dave: wait a minute

Narrator: ?

Dave: what the fuck

Dave: goddamnit i must have hit my head 50 fuckin times harder than i just got done thinking i did

Dave: because theres no way in hell im hearing some fuckin brain ghost telling me to go and do things that dont even make the smallest bit of sense

Dave: like

Dave: im gonna go ahead and walk into the next room anyway

Dave: using my own legs

Dave: and my own brain

Dave: but not because some disembodied voice tells me to

Dave: because i fuckin want to

Dave: so yeah

Dave: youre gonna need to be quiet

Narrator: But...this is my thing. This is what I do. I narrate your adventure while you do awesome, heroic things.

Dave: nah

Narrator: Nah?

Narrator: This...isn't going exactly according to plan.

Narrator: Hm...

Dave: im not going to be doing awesome and heroic things man

Dave: i literally just fell fuckin ass first into a goddamn mountain

Dave: im gonna do some exploring maybe dig a few choice fossils to add to my irony collection then high tail it the hell outta here

Dave: see ya

Narrator: But wait!

Dave: im also gonna go ahead and narrate the shit out of my own story

Narrator: But-

Dave: shoooooooooooosh

Narrator: *Sigh.*

alright now that bullshit is out of the way forever and wont ever pose an issue like ever a-fucking-gain

a wicked awesome rad and just a little ironic dude stands in like a tall spooky cavern thing on account of just falling like fifty feet onto a bed of golden ass flowers

what are the flowers doing down here he wonders or he would wonder if he hadnt ran out of fucks to give on that particular topic

the cool dudes name is dave strider and that suits the shit out of him

be like some protagonist level name right there

legit could see a crappy movie or book series being named after this dude completely unironically

like

one of those pg fantasy flicks that try to be all action but the explosions and blood have to be kept to a minimum because this shit is for kids and they dont gotta be seeing people getting their brains splattered all over the floor

no matter how awesome that stuff is

and how every adult in the theatre would rather be watching that

except stuck up edna in the corner

all writing down every pseudo-violent or slightly inappropriate joke

ready to post her list of complaints to the masses

like

dont let your rugrats see this movie

someone made a toilet joke

holy fuck this is the worst possible thing your snot producers could ever see

she types while chain smoking and downing a bottle of gin

while little timmy sleeps in the next fuckin room

seriously fuck edna

but anyway this place right-

wait

what the dickens on a stick is that

Dave: hey you

Dave: are you a grub

Dave: what the fuck is a grub doing down here

Dave: you fall too lil buddy

?: HISSSSS!

Dave: awww

Dave: so fuckin cute

Dave: i should probably take you with me so you dont starve

Dave: or get crushed by the next fuckwit who falls down here

Dave: since im like 80% sure im not the only one whos ever fallen rump first into this hellhole

Dave: cmere little guy

?: HISSS! *BITE!*

Dave: jegus this thing is adorable

Dave: that colour tho

Dave: probably best to keep you-

Flowey: Oh.

Flowey: Howdy!

Dave: shit

Dave: are you serious

Dave: are you fucking kidding me right now

Flowey: ?

Dave: am i on goddamn tv

Dave: alright come out

Dave: the jokes over

Dave: you got me

Dave: you almost won you sons of bitches

Flowey: Um...

Dave: this is weak even for the most low budget garbled piece of shit

Dave: but i draw the line at fuckin

Dave: kermit the fucking flower

Flowey: What?!

Dave: like the animatronic is well made like holy hell thats some realistic movement right there

Dave: but seriously

Dave: im not buying this shit at all

Flowey: ...

Flowey: Are you done?

Dave: i could not physically be more done rn

Flowey: Ok. Good-

Dave: my done levels be like

Dave: overflowing

Dave: theres an avalanche of fuck this shit im out smothering my very being right this second

Dave: im drowning in a sea of nope

Dave: no way is there a talking motherfucking flower right in front of me

Dave: thats some noise my eyes arent feasting on and sending to my brain

Dave: flowers are meant to be all like silent and not moving around

Dave: otherwise that daisy chain i made ironically for my bro when i was six was a whole fuckload of more sinister than i thought

Flowey: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Flowey: Listen.

Flowey: You're new here, and probably very confused.

Dave: no shit

Flowey: But I can help you.

Dave: you know a way out

Flowey: Yeah...Sure.

Flowey: But, don't you want to know how things work around here first?

Dave: not really

Flowey: Not really?

Dave: nah

Dave: i dont wanna get balls deep in a situation with fucked up flower puppets and disembodied voices and all that crap

Dave: no offence

Flowey: ...

Dave: im gonna leave

Dave: cya

Flowey: D:

Flowey: What an insufferable prick!

ok at this point id like to break formation and move on to the next relevant thing

i dont have time to drag out every little running gag i am kind of a big deal and have a lot of important shit to get done

so lets get to doing it

after ditching demon puppet flower i ran into a hot momma goat and she insisted on showing me around a bit which was pretty neat of her i guess

wait

fuck

i mean

momma goat

not hot

anyway i hung around with her for a while since she seemed pretty chill

liked my long rants about why apple juice is the fuckin bomb!

but then she left me here in this long ass purple room to go do gog knows what

well every room down here is purple

thats kind of the theme i guess

anyway now me and the little grub are just chillin and waiting for her to come back

the grub is looking at me like dude why are you narrating all the shit that just got done happening

we literally just finished doing that shit

but like

iunno

im bored

Dave: chill bro have some apple juice

Dave: can grubs drink apple juice

Dave: pretty sure they can

Dave: here you go

?: ...

Dave: aww hes so cute when hes drinking

Dave: wish i could show toriel how fuckin adorable this guy is

Dave: also wish i had a little pair of shades to put on him that would be hells of fuckin sweet

?: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

besides me and the little dude this room is inhabited by a creepy fucking dummy for some reason

get enough of crazy ass puppet shenanigans at home to know that thing has some kind of ominous deal

only a complete and utter fuckwit would mess with that thing

jegus youd think falling into a mountain would free a guy from having to look at soft puppet rump

...

maybe ill just call toriel

Dave: yo

Toriel: Hello, my child. What is it?

Dave: nothing just wanted to say hi

Toriel: Oh. Well. Hello! Hehehe.

Toriel: I hope that suffices. ]:D

Dave: yeah

Dave: no

Dave: wait

Dave: how long do i gotta be waiting in this room

Toriel: Not much longer now.

Toriel: I have a surprise for you! ]:D

Dave: neat

Toriel: But...Hypothetically...Which do you prefer; cinnamon, or butterscotch?

Dave: honestly

Toriel: Yes.

Dave: ok honestly

Dave: apple is my jam

Toriel: ...Apple?

Dave: yeah mom its the fuckin bomb remember

Toriel: ...

Dave: wait

Dave: shit

Dave: toriel

Dave: not mom

Toriel: Hehehe. That is alright.

Toriel: Would it make you happy...To call me mother?

Dave: no look

Dave: see sometimes my mouth runs off on its own

Dave: and i say dumb shit like

Dave: oh look its toriel

Dave: the hot goat momma

Toriel: ...Oh...

Dave: FUCK!

Dave: i mean

Dave: the goat momma

Dave: shit

Dave: toriel

Dave: just hot toriel

Dave: i mean

Dave: damnit

Dave: not hot

Dave: definitely not hot

Toriel: ...

Dave: fuck

Dave: sorry i mean

Dave: not implying you arent

Dave: hot or anything

Dave: but like...

Dave: jesus goddamn christ

Toriel: ...

Toriel: I am flattered my child. But you can do much better than an old woman like me.

Dave: no no wait

Dave: see this is precisely what i mean

Dave: i cant stop

Dave: i made friends with a little er

Dave: monster

Dave: and hes all pawing at me with his cute as shit little insect paws

Dave: like telling me to stop

Dave: but i just keep going

Dave: goddamn freudian mouth boners

Toriel: ...

Dave: toriel

Dave: t mom

Dave: ...uh t goat?

Toriel: Oh...

Toriel: I am sorry my child.

Toriel: I was distracted by a little white dog.

Toriel: It is so cute!

Toriel: I must go, my child. But call back whenever you need me.

Toriel: Be good, alright.

Dave: yeah alright

Dave: that couldnt have possibly been any more awkward

?: SQUEAK. /:B

 **Three hours later.**

Toriel: I am...so sorry...It took so long...

Toriel: Pant...

Toriel: That little dog...Stole my phone...and I had to chase it for-

Toriel: Oh.

Toriel: He is asleep.

Toriel: Hehe.

Toriel: I can not believe he waited all this time.

Toriel: I will carry him home.

the next thing i knew i was waking up in a comfortable bed

little grub securely hidden and asleep in the sleeve of my striped sweater

...

it felt nice

toriel had been in and left a piece of butterscotch cinnamon apple pie

Dave: nah man i told you

Dave: the cinnamon fumes are making my eyes water is all

?: SQUEAK...

Dave: want a piece

?: SQUEAK!

Dave: you know

Dave: toriel seems pretty lonely

Dave: guess i can relate

?: ?:B

Dave: its nothing

Dave: you seem pretty lonely too

Dave: we should like

Dave: form a club

Dave: be fuckin tight

Dave: did you eat all that already

?: SQUEAK

Dave: goddamn

 **End of intermission part 1.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Level 2.**

Back in the present, a mysterious stranger hides among the frozen trees.

You watch in anticipation and slight awe as something exits through that door for the first time in...ever.

Like you, he is wearing a striped sweater, but unlike you, he looks like a complete fucking nerd. What kind of monster is he? Just looking at him pisses you off!

Mysterious stranger- Confront!

You fail to confront the creature, because someone else beat you to it.

Mysterious stranger- Be John.

You be John, and arrive at an unstable looking bridge. It sure is cold here. Somehow you found yourself in an underground, snow covered forest. Thank God you are wearing your striped sweater. Your lusus made it to cover up that shitty Ghostbusters shirt you always wear.

No, you take that back. Your Slimer shirt is awesome and everyone knows it. You make a mental note to show Casey when you find some place warm. Also you brought Casey along, because she's just so cute, taking up space in your inventory and gnawing on your stolen Monster candy. You should probably let her out soon.

You're still not completely sure she's a girl.

Since there seems to be no immediate threat out here, you chose to resume your usual attire, swapping out the ironic shades and shitty sword for your own glasses and Hammer. You feel much more comfortable this way, if less cool.

John- Cross the bridge.

You try to cross the bridge, but you suddenly feel as though something is creeping up behind you.

?: Human.

?: Don't you know how to greet a new pal?

Despite the ominous vibes lingering in the air, and the fact that it is probably a BAD IDEA, you turn around like an oblivious asshole. Goddamn fallen humans always making dumbass decisions.

Fine.

Go ahead and confront the monster.

Oddly enough, the strife menu does not appear. Instead, you are greeted by a small, fat skeleton. An unsettling feeling of déjà vu hits you as the skeleton extends a friendly hand.

Sans: put 'er there.

It seems he wants to shake hands with you. But years of being literally the best prankster you know tell you this would not be the best idea.

John: er...hey...talking skeleton.

John: i have a better idea.

John: pull my finger. it's a special human greeting.

You hold out your finger and wait in anticipation.

The skeleton takes the bait.

Hehehe, sucker.

Pop!

The skeleton's arm promptly falls straight out of his sleeve, the hand still clasped firmly around your finger.

John- Scream internally.

You allow yourself a moment of intense trauma, while the skeleton continues to smile. Silence passes between you as you remain mortified, until a whoopee cushion falls out of his sleeve and plops onto the snow, making a long, low farting sound.

The skeleton does not stop smiling.

John: er...

Sans: i've got to **hand** it to you

Sans: you're pretty funny looking for a human.

John: er...

Sans: you are a human, right?

John: er...

Sans: oh right. can i have my arm back?

Sans: i've grown rather **attached** to it.

John: er...

The skeleton reaches forward and retrieves his arm.

This does nothing to pacify you. You're pretty sure you're going to be scarred for life.

Or at least the next five minutes.

Sans: so listen. i'm supposed to be on the look out for humans. but i don't really care about capturing anyone. my brother papyrus, on the other hand...

John: there's two of you?

John: does his arm come off as well?

Sans: only when he has a...

Sans: **bone** to pick with you.

John: (omg)

Sans: actually, i think i hear him coming.

Sans: here's an idea. follow me!

Reluctantly, you follow the skeleton across the unstable looking bridge, and through some shitty looking bars. The bars were built far too wide to stop anyone.

Sans: see that conveniently shaped lamp?

John: erm...yes.

Sans: hide behind it.

John: um...

John: ok. fuck it. whatever.

You hide behind the conveniently shaped lamp. Wow, this thing really is conveniently shaped. The only possible way you could be discovered here by a human hunting fanatical skelebro is if someone purposefully sold out your location.

Sans: hey papyrus. check out this lamp!

Oh mother of fuck!

Papyrus: SANS! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!

Papyrus: WHY ARE YOU LOLLYGAGGING AROUND?

Sans: hey chill out. i've gotten a **ton** of work done today.

Sans: a skele **ton.**

Papyrus: SANS!

Sans: come on papyrus. you know my puns tickle your funny bone.

Papyrus: OH MY GOD!

Sans: anyway. cool lamp, huh?

Papyrus: ...

Lamp: (achoo!)

Papyrus: SANS, DID THAT LAMP JUST SNEEZE?

Sans: hmm...guess it must be cold.

Papyrus: ...

Sans: ...

Papyrus: ...

Sans: ...

Lamp: ...

Papyrus: OH. OK.

Papyrus: WELL, I'M GOING BACK TO WORK!

Papyrus: I HAVE A GOOD FEELING ABOUT TODAY, SANS!

Papyrus: TODAY'S THE DAY I'M GOING TO CATCH A HUMAN!

Papyrus: THEN UNDYNE WILL HAVE TO LET ME JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD!

Sans: ok bro. but be careful. don't wanna work yourself

Sans: **down to the bone.**

Papyrus: SANS PLEASE!

Papyrus: *SIGH.*

Papyrus: WELL, I AM OFF!

Papyrus: AS FOR YOUR WORK...

Papyrus: PUT A LITTLE MORE...

Papyrus: **BACKBONE** INTO IT!

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH!

...

Sans: ok you can come out now.

John- leave the shelter of the conveniently shaped lamp.

John?

Hello?

Earth to Egbert!

Oh...

Hmm...

John seems to have absconded.

How unexpected.

Lamp: achoo!

That really is a cold lamp. Someone should get it a sweater or something.

Sans- Search for the human!

...

And he's asleep.

Perfect.

Let's go see what John is up to!

We catch up with John a little further into the forest. Still cold. Still perturbed. Still Determined not to run into any more skeletons with detachable arms.

Speaking of Determination, there's another little shiny yellow thing! You need that after your battle with Toriel.

John- Receive Determination.

You receive Determination and restore your health. Much better. You feel much better now.

You take a moment to admire your surroundings. Aside from the cold, this is a rather nice place. Certainly somewhere you wouldn't mind staying for a month due to unforeseen circumstances beyond your control.

Oh look! Is that a box?

John- Examine box.

You open the box and find an extremely old and worn looking headband. It appears to have more defense than both your glasses and the ironic shades combined.

You spend some time switching between defense items. It seems Casey was right. You are only able to wear one at a time.

You should really let Casey out of your inventory.

That last piece of Monster candy is sticky as fuck now.

Mysterious stranger: HEY!

While you space out, thinking of how adorable your little grumpy kidnapped Froggit is, the strife menu sneaks up on you.

Looks like a monster wants to FIGHT!

Mysterious stranger- Cease being mysterious!

John- Settle on defense and attack item, and CONFRONT!

You settle for the ironic shades, and your sweet monster bashing hammer. You like mixing things the fuck up! Plus you're not sure you want to be seen wearing a headband just yet. You'll save that for when the enemies start being super tough. How strong could this guy possibly be?

You turn to confront the mysterious stranger, who ceased being mysterious while you were busy accessorizing.

Hold on! That's not a monster. That's a troll. Trolls aren't supposed to be down here, are they?

Wait a second. Let me just consult my paperwork...

Hmm...

John falls underground...

Makes it through the Ruins...

Absconds from Skelebros...

Here we are! Attacked by Snowdrake.

Hmm...

I guess, in this timeline, Snowdrake doesn't exist.

Well damn.

Who is this guy?

Name troll!

The naming screen appears, but it is locked. It seems this guy was already named a long time ago.

KARKAT ********

Oh well.

John- Strife!

We've kept this guy waiting long enough. Let's do this thing! Let's make it happen! This is going to be the epic battle to end all battles! There is absolutely nothing that can possibly stop this fight from being fucking SICK!

Karkat: WAIT

Karkat: YOU'RE...

The troll lowers his sickles in favour of talking, because it's not like we actually want to see some Goddamn action already!

The strife menu disappe- Oh come on!

Karkat: DAVE?

John: who?

Karkat: YOU'RE DAVE, RIGHT? DAVE STRIDER?

Karkat: SHIT, DID I READ THIS THING RIGHT?

John: no dude.

John: that name doesn't ring a bell.

John: it...sounds like the protagonist of some shitty pg wannabe action flick.

John: i'm john. john egbert.

John: see my name's more like the protagonist of some kick ass disaster movie.

John: made for adults.

Karkat: DISASTER MOVIE, WHAT THE FUCK.

John: yup.

Karkat: SO, YOUR NAME *ISN'T* DAVE?

John: nope

John: it's john.

John: what made you think it was dave?

Karkat: THIS SWEATER. IT'S WRITTEN ON THE TAG.

John: wait, you're wearing another guy's sweater?

John: that's pretty gay, dude.

Karkat: HEY! FUCK YOU!

Karkat: I MEAN

Karkat: SO, YOU'RE NOT HIM?

John: pretty sure.

Karkat: THEN WHY IN THE BULGE FONDLING FUCK ARE YOU WEARING THOSE SHADES?!

John: i dunno

John: they're pretty cool.

John: in an ironic sort of way.

Karkat: DID YOU STEAL THEM?

John: um..no?

Karkat: I'M A LITTLE RELIEVED, ACTUALLY.

Karkat: FOR A MOMENT THERE, I THOUGHT HE WAS A HUMAN.

Karkat: THAT'S WHAT WHAT'S HIS FUCK, SLIGHTLY LESS ANNOYING SKELEDOUCHE SAID, RIGHT?

Karkat: YOU ARE HUMAN?

John: oh god is this going to be a thing?

Karkat: IS WHAT GOING TO BE A THING?

Karkat: ME KICKING YOUR ASS? BECAUSE YEAH, THAT WILL QUITE SOON BE A THING THAT IS TAKING PLACE.

John: no the whole: "are you human? omgf i have to capture you now!" thing.

Karkat: OH

Karkat: YEAH

Karkat: THAT TOO IS A THING.

Karkat: IT IS ACTUALLY THE SAME THING, AND WILL LITERALLY ONLY HAPPEN ONE MORE TIME.

Karkat: NOW.

John: hahaha!

Karkat: ?

Karkat: WHAT?

John: i'm not going to fight you.

Karkat: OK, JUST STAND THERE THEN, WHILE I PUMMEL YOU INTO WIGGLE FRUIT.

John: hahahahaha!

John: yeah, no, i don't see that happening either.

Karkat: STFU!

John: ok look

John: why don't i just give you these shades?

John: they obviously mean something to you.

John: then i'll be on my way, since apparently my presence offends monsters or whatever.

John: here.

You hand over the shades, replacing your defense item with your own glasses.

Something in the troll's expression changes, and you take the opportunity to abscond while he is distracted.

God, everyone down here is nuts. You wonder what his deal is.

Oh well. You predictably didn't get any EXP from that encounter.

 **End of level 2, part 1.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Intermission, part 2.**

Years in the past, but not many.

the awesome cool ironic and hella handsome dave strider enters the room with b scotch apple pie and a whole bottle full of apple juice ready to tear into that shit like a hungry fuckin lion

imma bout to be all over this motherfucker

yes

hell yes

hell

fucking

yes!

also im still my own narrator fuckers

remember that being a thing?

it didnt just stop being a thing

im all about serious business and continuity

anyway

its been a week since i arrived at toriels and i aint showing no signs of leaving just yet

course i know i gotta leave eventually

for one i got serious shit to attend to

and for another i got this guy

havent told toriel about him because trolls with his blood colour aren't usually very well received on the surface

i would imagine

from the stories anyway

and once this lil guy pupates it wont be so easy to keep him hidden

...

Dave: hey little dude i brought pie

?: SQUEAK!

Dave: you still playing with those ironically cool toys

Dave: aww you like the car dont you

Dave: hey what noise does the car make

?: ...

?: BEEP!

Dave: thats right

Dave: man youre so smart

Dave: be like some tiny genius shit right here

Dave: building goddamn robots by the age of five

Dave: hey look at this

Dave: what noise does the cat make

?: ...MEOW

Dave: you are literally the best little dude ever

Dave: beep beep meow!

Dave: wow

Dave: ok shit

Dave: don't tell toriel i said that

Dave: ruin my fuckin street cred

?: BEEP BEEP MEOW d:B

Dave: oh you making fun of me now

?: *nod*

Dave: then it is on

Dave: cmere

Dave: hey no

Dave: not under the bed thats cheating

Dave: man

Dave: ok fine

Dave: ill just sit here and consume this sweet as fuck pie toriel just made

Dave: its your favourite

?: ...

Dave: so good

Dave: don't you want any?

?: |:B

?: ...

Dave: you got something there

Dave: what is it

?: *kick kick bite. Chomp.*

?: *playful squeaks* (:B

?: *chirp*

Dave: is that

Dave: is that a my little pony phone charm

Dave: rainbow whatever...

Dave: ...

Dave: fuck

Dave: shit we gotta go

?: ?:B

Dave: come on

Dave: shit shit shit

Dave: wheres toriel

Dave: ah fuck i should just hightail it out of here while shes out

Dave: but

Dave: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Dave: why the hell does she have this

Dave: she wont tell me nothing about anything

Dave: that should have been a huge dickload of ominous right there

Dave: nothing screams suspicious like turning cold and silent when your kid asks you reasonable ass fucking questions

Dave: goddamnit where is she

?: ):B

Dave: well be out of here in no time i just gotta ask toriel some questions

Dave: dw im not gonna let anything happen to you

...

after a whole dickload of searching i finally come across her in that room with a view of the creepy abandoned old ghost city

old home or some shit

damn i gotta pay more attention in lessons

their king couldnt name for shit

...

Dave: stay here little dude

?: ?:B

Dave: be right back

Toriel: Oh. Hello my child! ]:D

Toriel: Did you come to gaze upon the city too? Home used to be so full of life.

Toriel: You would have loved it in its prime. Hehe.

Dave: goat mom

Dave: i think im about to say something hella shitty

Dave: so

Dave: sorry in advance i guess

Toriel: What is wrong, my child?

Toriel: Was there something you did not quite understand during your last lesson?

Dave: yeah

Dave: no

Dave: i wanna know when i can leave

Toriel: Leave?

Dave: yeah

Dave: remember what i said when i first fell about why i came here in the first place

Dave: for my bro

Dave: and you went silent and i remember thinking that was fuckin weird

Dave: but like youre a goat monster who turned out to not be some kind of shitty animatronic or puppet or cosplayer or w/e

Dave: so i was all what do i know about whats weird and normal for you to be doing

Dave: could be like your way of greeting people

Dave: like instead of shaking hands you just go quiet when a guy asks you questions

Dave: kinda like youre doing now

Toriel: What...

Toriel: What was it that prompted this? I thought we were getting along quite well.

Toriel: You are not feeling unwell, are you? I left you a new pie in the kitchen. Perhaps we should go back home and eat it together. I will read to you by the fire, and you can rest.

Dave: no mom

Dave: fuck

Dave: toriel

Dave: i dont want any more pie or stories or cozy fuckin fireplace

Dave: i mean i do

Dave: but

Dave: goddamnit

Dave: i want you to tell me why my bros stuff is here

Dave: he was here but now hes not and i want you to tell me why you forgot to mention that

Dave: and where he went and where he is now

Toriel: I...

Toriel: Can we go home and talk about this?

Toriel: I do not want to do this here.

Dave: where is he

Toriel: I...I do not know.

Toriel: Every human who has come here has left eventually.

Toriel: And...

Dave: and what?

Toriel: Please...My child...

Toriel: This is too much to discuss here.

Toriel: I must ask you to be patient and return home.

Toriel: I will tell you everything.

Toriel: But...I can not let you leave.

Toriel: You will only be in danger out there.

Toriel: I have just been trying to keep you safe.

Dave: i dont get what youre saying

Dave: are you saying my bro left

Dave: whats out there what happened to him

Toriel: ...

Toriel: Please.

Toriel: Stay here with me where it is safe.

Toriel: Please...Don't make me have to stop you.

...

the strife menu appears

but this time it wasnt activated by a pissed off monster

or toriel

it was me

i draw my attack item

talking wont do any more good

[FIGHT]

with just one strike toriels health is down to half way even with this useless piece of shit sword

her attacks dont even try to hit me

she doesnt want to fight

and

neither do i

but...

[FIGH-

?: SQUEAK!

Dave: SHIT!

...

my sword clatters to the ground bouncing away into the corner of the room

presumably never to be used again

...

Narrator: That is a reasonable response.

Narrator: To almost chopping your adorable little friend, and your goat lusus in half.

Narrator: Did it really just take the little candy red grub jumping between Toriel and the blade for you to realize this was all wrong?

...

ignoring that pretentious heap of bullshit –

Narrator: Hey!

-i decide to grab the little grub and get the hell out of dodge

?: HIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

he wont stop hissing and growling and biting all the way back to toriels house and down into the cellar

in my first few days here id sneak down to the cellar because thats where curiosity would take me and toriel said some shit about it leading out to the rest of the underground

i guess

since theres nowhere else to head now

thats the place i got to abscond to

oh goddamnit what does this douche want

...

Flowey: Well, that was fun!

Flowey: But aren't you gonna finish her off?

Dave: fuck off

Flowey: You really did a number on her.

Flowey: She hasn't even tried to follow you or stop you, or anything!

Dave: i said fuck off dickbag

Flowey: Touchy.

Flowey: Are you really gonna leave it like this?

Flowey: Don'cha want to know a tiny little secret?

Dave: no

Flowey: You're pretty fond of that little phone charm, aren'cha?

Dave: ?

Flowey: You'd be pretty upset if a mischievous monster took the last thing you had to remind you of your dear, departed brother, while your back was turned, hm?

Dave: what?

Dave: shit its gone

Flowey: You're just gonna keep going?

Flowey: It could be crucial evidence in your pointless little search, don'cha think?

Flowey: And you're just gonna abandon it here. Like you abandoned Toriel.

Flowey: That's cold.

Flowey: Even if it doesn't help you, your bro must have liked it a lot.

Flowey: What a shame. Are you just going to leave it here to gather dust and cobwebs?

Flowey: What would your brother think of you! Hahahahaha!

Dave: like hell im leaving it

Dave: but i cant take this little guy back there

Dave: shes seen him now

Dave: and i sure as fuck arent leaving him here with you

Dave: fuck that

Flowey: ...Well. Once the door to the Ruins closes, you won't be able to get back in here.

Dave: goddamn hold it for me then

Flowey: Why should I do that?

Dave: because

Dave: you want me to go back obviously

Dave: for your own sick entertainment or whatever the dick sesame street level douchefuck flowers do for fun

Flowey: Fine.

Flowey: Just because it might be fun watching you search and search. And cry and cry.

Dave: wont cry

Flowey: Sure.

...

for the first time in gog knows how long im out of those goddamn ruins

tho its not like i actually wanted to leave but priorities are a hell of a thing and i already fucked up royally

toriel sure as all hell wont want anything more to do with me and i cant risk what shell do now shes seen the grub

its cold as balls out here everythings covered in snow and i can see my goddamn breath in front of me

damn

poor little guy shivering and everything

at least that flower looks to be keeping his end of the bargain all holding the door with his gross vines

i better walk a little ways and hide the grub in the trees over there so he cant get his puppet mits on him

goddamn lousy fuckin demon flowers

...

Dave: i know youre pretty pissed off right now but can you wait here for me

?: ?:B

Dave: i wont be long

?: HISSSS!

Dave: come on it will be like five minutes

Dave: ill even wrap you in my sweater so you dont freeze to death

Dave: always did prefer the hell out of this raglan cd shirt anyway

Dave: jegus its cold

Dave: there

Dave: stay in these trees and keep warm

Dave: be back in five

?: SQUEAK!

?: SQUEAK!

...

i feel like the biggest douche on the planet as i sidle my ass back into the ruins p sure if grubs could talk all that squeaking would amount to fuckin: "please dont leave me!"

be tragic really if i wasnt coming back

but i know i sure as hell am

 **End of intermission part 2.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hometale.**

Hours in the past.

A young child in a striped sweater stands at the mouth of a deep hole atop Mount Ebott. Moments ago, they were rescued from falling down by another boy, who clumsily managed to fall instead. Even so, they continue to stare into the hole in great exasperation.

Goddamnit! That could have been you!

Welp. Only one thing to do now-

Kanaya: Oh

Kanaya: I Did Not Know Anyone Else Would Be Up Here At This Time

Kanaya: Hello Are You Lost

You shake your head. You know exactly where you are, and what you want to do next, but it seems you are doomed to be interrupted. The troll in front of you appears to be acting suspicious. She seems to have been recently partaking in the consumption of some blueberry and grape beverage.

You hope that's blueberry and grape beverage.

Please just be blueberry and grape beverage.

She can't possibly have been snacking on the Royal Guard. You're 97% sure that is totally illegal. Her hands are still lost in the bushes behind her, as though she is Determined to hide something.

Hmm...

Human – Take a peek.

You try to look behind the troll, but she adjust her position slightly to block your field of vision. Totally suspicious.

Human – Be the troll.

You try to be the troll, but miss. This troll is too secretive for you to be her right now!

No. There is only one way to settle your curiosity!

STRIFE!

You summon the STRIFE menu, and hit ACT.

Two options appear: FLIRT and HUG.

Human – FLIRT with the troll.

You blow the troll a kiss, and wink mischievously. The troll seems amused. She wastes her entire turn laughing.

Well, now you can SPARE her, but not just yet! She still hasn't revealed her hands.

Human – FLIRT one more time.

You wiggle your hips. The troll laughs some more, bringing her blueberry and grape covered hands up to stifle the uncontrollable giggling. Bingo!

Two dead Royal Guards fall from the bushes. You are underwhelmed by this shocking revelation.

Kanaya: Whoops

?: ...

Kanaya: I Can Explain

?: -_-

Kanaya: Shit

Despite her apparent violent tendencies towards the high bloods of her species, the troll doesn't seem to want to fight you. You decide to SPARE her.

Kanaya: You Arent Going To Attack Me Or Turn Me In To The Authorities

You shake your head. Of course not! You can't stand the guards anyway. And this troll doesn't seem like a bad guy. Just a hungry rainbow drinker. Nothing to worry about whatsoever.

Kanaya: Oh

Kanaya: It Would Appear You Are Bleeding

Fuck.

Kanaya: Dont Worry

Kanaya: I Only Attack The Stuck Up Elites

Kanaya: Their Blood Is Good For Sampling And Just About Nothing Else

Kanaya: It Goes Against All Of My Principles To Hurt A Child

Kanaya: Is There Someone Up Here Looking Out For You

You shake your head.

Kanaya: Can I Take You Back To Your Lusus

You shake your head again. You don't have a lusus.

Kanaya: Well Then

Kanaya: Let Me Bring You Back To My Home

Kanaya: I Will Have That Cut Disinfected And Bandaged Up Then You Can Stay For Tea

Kanaya: If Youd Like

You look towards the hole, deciding you can probably leave what you were doing a little while longer. Nodding your head, you take the troll's less bloodstained hand. It really isn't an unusual thing to see bloodshed. The trolls are a violent race towards each other, and you have witnessed this behaviour for quite some time. You mostly go with the flow. If things get too hot to handle, you can usually negotiate yourself out of a bad situation.

Kanaya: Im Kanaya By The Way

Kanaya: Would I Be Right To Assume You Have Also Been Bestowed With A Name

Kanaya: Frisk Hm

Kanaya: That Is A Rather Interesting Name

Kanaya: I Guess Coming Across A Human At All Is Unusual These Days

Kanaya: Not To Be Rude Of Course

Kanaya: But You Are Quite A Rare Find

Frisk: -_-

Kanaya: Tell Me About It

Kanaya: Her Imperial Condescension Has Really Done A Number On All Of Us

Kanaya: I Just Used Her Name Sarcastically Fyi

Kanaya: I Really Have Little Patience For Her But Lets Continue This Discussion At The Hive

Kanaya: After I Rid Myself Of These Cadavers Of Course

You have a feeling it's going to be a long, and interesting day.

 **End of Hometale, part 1.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Level 2, part 2.**

It would appear our protagonist has made little progress in the absence of a narrator, or audience.

As you trudge through the underground winter wonderland, your stomach begins to beg for your attention. It has been at least two hours since you ate some monster candy, and at least eight hours since your lusus tried to force feed you sickeningly sweet cake. You suddenly regret rejecting his offer by smashing the cake with your awesome hammer.

But wait! Your inventory still contains the Butterscotch pie, and one half eaten monster candy. Opening your inventory, you find the last piece of candy stuck firmly to the headband you recently acquired.

Goddamnit Casey!

This is what you get for keeping Froggit's locked up in your inventory.

And there she goes, all hopping away. You think she's a she. You're almost certain of it.

Well, at least you still have the B Scotch pie. The pie Toriel made you. The Toriel you left all alone in the Ruins. Hmm...You still have your phone. Perhaps you should give her a call? See how she's doing?

Predictably, as the thought crosses your mind, the phone begins to ring. Damn, she must be psychic!

John: toriel-

Sollux: my god, what iin the ever loviing sweet aniime jesus were you thiinkiing!

Sollux: thii2 piizza 2uck2 a22!

John: erm...

Sollux: what nook2uckiing fuck put2 piineapple on a piizza?

John: well...i...

John: **i** happen to like pineapple pizza, very much.

Sollux: what?

Sollux: waiit, who ii2 thii2?

John: um

John: john.

Sollux: john?

John: hello. :)

Sollux: what the 2hii-

Sollux: how are you even talkiing two me? ii don't know any 'john'.

John: *shrug* i am literally just as confused as you.

John: you called me, dude.

?: (WHO ARE YOU SHOUTING AT?)

Sollux: 2OME A22HOLE ON THE PHONE!

John: hey!

?: (WHAT?)

Sollux: 2OME. A22HOLE. ON. THE. PHONE!

?: (OH.)

?: (HOW IS YOUR PIZZA?)

Sollux: IIT 2UCK2!

?: (WHAT?)

Sollux: IIT FUCKIING 2UCK2 A22!

?: (BUT, I THOUGHT YOU LIKED PINEAPPLE?)

Sollux: NOT ON FUCKIING PIIZZA!

John: um

John: you guys ok over there?

Sollux: ARE YOU 2TIILL HERE?

John: ...

John: ...

John: ...

John: pineapple pizza is the shit!

You hang up, unsure what that whole ordeal was about, but satisfied with your absolute ownage of that guy nonetheless. Fucking teenagers.

Jerry: *burp* Someone finally agrees with me. Pineapple pizza is the shit.

Ice Cap: Pineapple pizza IS shit.

Chilldrake: Guys! It's not cool to swear!

Oh God. Not more teenagers.

You notice one of the teen monsters is wearing quite the aesthetically pleasing hat. While they argue amongst themselves, you admire the garment with approval. Yes. That is one fine hat.

Ice Cap: Oh? Noticed my hat, have you?

John: yeah, it's pretty neat.

Ice Cap: Neat?!

Ice Cap: It happens to be the finest in headwear technology!

John: yeah, ok.

John: that sounds like a load of horse shit, but whatever.

Ice Cap: What did you just say?

Chilldrake: Ice Cap chill out, dude. We're supposed to be capturing the human, remember?

John: aw man not this again.

John: i'm gonna leave now.

Chilldrake: Oh, that's cold dude.

John: huh?

Chilldrake: Whatever you've experienced so far, is nothing compared to our furious strength of a team!

Chilldrake: We've practiced for like

Chilldrake: months.

Ice Cap: Yeah. Ever since our leader noticed our awesomeness, and fabulous fucking fashion sense-

Chilldrake: Cap!

Chilldrake: Anyway. Yeah. We're gonna take you down!

Jerry: *Belch* Yeah, so like, get prepared to totally be obliterated and stuff.

John: are you picking your nose?

John: ew dude. ew.

John: that is so gross.

Chilldrake: Still unconvinced?

John: i just really cba dealing with another 'strife' right now.

John: i'm so hungry.

John: and i have to go find my adorable little froggit friend, casey.

John: i never even got to teach her all about nic cage.

John: oh man i'm sure she'd love con air.

John: it's a classic.

John: if only i had a bunny to give her.

Ice Cap: Enough!

Ice Cap: Prepare to face the wrath

Ice Cap: of the Junior Royal Guard!

John: pffft that title is so lame.

Ice Cap: So is your hat.

Ice Cap: Oh wait. You don't have one.

Chilldrake: OHHHHHH!

Chilldrake: Wrecked!

The Strife menu appears, and you sigh in exasperation. You're too hungry for this. And you really do need to find dear sweet precious Casey before she freezes to death. Maybe you will bop these guys with your hammer for wasting your time. But they seem harmless enough.

You are still completely captivated by Ice Cap's hat. You are completely unable to take your eyes off the majestic piece of headwear-

John: ow!

John: fuck!

John: son of a-

John: that attack was like two seconds longer than all the other attacks i've faced. what gives?

Jerry: Hehehe.

Ice Cap: That's right human! Accept your fate!

Chilldrake: Dude that's my line!

Ice Cap: Huh?

Chilldrake: You totally just stole my line. So uncool.

Jerry: Omg whatever. Can we just finish this douche off, I'm getting a rash just standing next to him.

Jerry: I think I'm allergic to humans. *Achoo!*

Ice Cap: Don't sneeze near my hat!

Ice Cap: Anyway, that line was mine last time we rehearsed this!

Chilldrake: Yeah, because I had a cold that day.

John: ...

The three begin to argue amongst themselves, and you roll your eyes, taking the higher ground and sparing them before they can turn their aggression back in your direction. Their names weren't even yellow.

As you abscond, you decide to take a souvenir for your beloved Casey. It's no bunny, but it will have to do.

John: yoink!

You got Ice Cap's hat! Ice Cap is no more.

...The hat melts in your hand.

Well shit. That was pointless.

Oh well. You run up the path to your left, slipping and sliding on the ice, and let out a sigh of relief. The only thing here is a snowman. There is literally no way he can prevent you from digging into that sweet B Scotch pi-

Oh Goddamnit he came to life.

Snowman: Hello human. :) I am a Snowman.

John: no. fucking. shit.

Snowman: I am unable to travel from this place. :C

John: no...fucking...shit...

Snowman: Please human. If you would be so kind

Snowman: Could you take a piece of me with you on your journey?

Snowman: I want to experience the wonders of this endless cavern.

John: um...

Snowman: Please?

John: ok sure, whatever.

John: but you know it's probably going to melt the moment it's in my inventory, and fuck up these old artefacts i found, right?

Snowman: Thank you, human.

John: *sigh*

You got the snowman piece.

Surprisingly, it does not melt. Huh...Looks like you can eat it. It heals 45 HP.

You don't even **have** 45 HP.

John: ...so

Snowman: So. :)

John: so...

Snowman: :D

John: ...

Snowman: :/

John: you want some pie?

Snowman: Human

Snowman: My mouth literally doesn't even move.

John: oh.

John: ...

John: huh...

John: you like nic cage?

Snowman: What?

John: nevermind.

John: wait...you hear that?

Snowman: Yes.

Snowman: It sounds like something very loud, and very angry getting closer and closer, from quite a distance away.

John: yeah, it sounds exactly like that.

Karkat: ( - AND THAT GOOFY ASS CROTCH STAIN ON THE FACE OF ALL LIVING THINGS THINKS HE CAN JUST SWOOP IN AND PACIFY ME WITH A COOL PAIR OF SHADES.)

Karkat: (LIKE, OK. IT WORKED FOR ABOUT A SECOND.)

Karkat: (A MOMENTARY LAPSE IN MY ALREADY KIND OF QUESTIONABLE SANITY? OR SOME FUCK SHIT LIKE THAT.)

Karkat: (BUT FUCK YOU.)

Karkat: (SERIOUSLY. WHAT A PRETENTIOUS HEAP OF

Karkat: INSUFFERABLE PINK FART SLIME!

Karkat: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I FUCKING *HATE* YOU?

Karkat: CAN YOU EVEN BEGIN TO FATHOM THE AMOUNT OF HOSTILITY I HARBOUR TOWARDS YOUR VERY EXISTENCE?

Karkat: WHAT AM I SAYING

Karkat: OF COURSE YOU DON'T

Karkat: YOU HAVE THE DRIED UP INTELLIGENCE SPONGE OF AN ESPECIALLY STUPID AMOEBA.

John: yo. :D

Karkat: WHAT EVEN MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD-

Karkat: WHAT?

Karkat: DID YOU JUST 'YO' ME?

John: yep.

John: hey, how's it going?

Karkat: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Karkat: ARE YOU **ACTUALLY** BRAIN DEAD?

Karkat: I'M **TRYING** TO START A FIGHT WITH YOU, YOU FESTERING SACK OF SHAME GLOBES!

John: ew

John: i know what you're trying to do.

John: but i'm not going to fight you!

Karkat: WHY NOT?

John: i dunno.

John: no reason, i just don't want to.

Karkat: WELL

Karkat: TOO BAD?

Karkat: BECAUSE I DO!

John: pffhahaha

Karkat: STOP LAUGHING, YOU CONDESCENDING PIECE OF SHIT!

John: sorry, it's just so funny.

Karkat: FUCK YOU!

John: you keep saying how you're gonna pummel me, but you haven't even attacked me once.

John: come on bro.

Karkat: YOU...

Karkat: WANT ME TO ATTACK YOU?

John: eh

John: not really but if you say you're gonna do something over and over, and then don't do it, it gets kinda hard to believe you were ever actually serious. you know?

Karkat: OH.

Karkat: DON'T WORRY.

Karkat: I AM ABOUT TO UNLEASH AN EIGHT GALLON STORAGE CONTAINER FULL OF RAGE FUELED ASS WHOOP ON YOUR PUNY, PINK, WATER BASED POSTERIOR, UNTIL YOU YEARN TO CRAWL BACK INTO THE BILE SPEWING LOAD GAPER YOU HAD THE SHAMELESS GALL TO SLITHER OUT OF!

John: lol

John: 'posterior'.

John: hah, butts.

-Notice-

[The troll is so pissed off right now, we had to cut to this lovely scene of cherry blossoms, caressing the body of a very, very handsome robot. Just lovely. That metallic frame. The gentle wind, spreading the blossoms across his rectangular posterior...Such majesty. If only this scene were rendered in a carefully detailed, quality piece of artwork, rather than described in words that do not lend an inch of justice to its beauty. Alas, we can only strive to imagine.]

Narrator: Sorry. I left briefly to use the bathroom, and someone got into my office, yet again. I really need to put a lock on this thing. Anyway. Let's check back in with them, shall we?

Karkat: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

(It continues for five pages.)

John – Sit down and consume pie while the troll has a mental breakdown.

You shove a handful of pie into the troll's open mouth, as your lusus has done to you on many occasions, before sitting down to eat.

This recipe is familiar...

 **End of level 2, part 2.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Intermission, part 3.**

Years in the past, but not many.

aw shit its hard to not get fuckin sentimental up in here

the house feels so empty now i guess toriel still hasnt come back from whatever shes been doing since i slashed the shit out of her with my sword in a totally uncool and uncalled for way

man i wish i could apologize

but i guess this is all for the best

seeing her again would just be awkward as fuck

ima make a stop real quick tho

like hella quick cant leave the little guy waiting too long

so i grab the pie and apple juice and all his favourite toys from the room and shove those sons of bitches in my inventory then i pause a little while at the door

even if this place was too hells of wicked awesome to be true im still gonna miss it

and goat mom

but just think of all the adventures me and the little grub will have

exploring the hell out of this place digging up fossils for strictly ironic purposes throwing down some sick rhymes and just being about the most awesome fuckers to ever tumble into muppet wonderland

shit be tight as fuck

and i just thought of the perfect name for the little guy

took goddamn long enough

gonna spring it on him like

hey dude

i got a surprise for you

a shiny new name

then alls we got to do is find you a tiny pair of kick ass shades

yes

hell yes

hell

fucking

yes!

but all that bullshit has to wait a while

only one clue to my bros whereabouts down here and i cant lose it

i turn my back on my room for the last time and go back to where i last saw that phone charm

looks like toriel bailed somewhere

and the charms gone too

figures

time to shake down every froggit and whimsun and vegetoid and moldsmol and loox for info

most of them arent very helpful

yeah go figure a fucking gain

shit how long has it been

i really got to be getting back to the grub

was cold as balls where i left him

welp

guess its some froggits chew toy now

wait

i take a double take at that creepy ass spider room with the gross arachnid infested donuts and low and behold there it fuckin is

just chilling on the indifferent ground like

sup

like that neat little trick where i disappear and turn up in the most inconvenient of places?

haha sucker

made you come all this fuckin way

cause im a goddamn motherfucking tool who likes to be awkward as hell

great fucking job!

like we both know some douchebag monster brought you here but way to be inconvenient

damn

with those shenanigans out of the way and the mlp phone charm secured in my inventory theres no way in hell anything else is gonna get in the way of me returning to that underground wintery bullshit and having hella adventures with my newly named grub while searching for my bro!

...

Dave: wait what the fuck

...

one of those spiders scribbled something on the walls that was so not there before

uh ok

:o)

kinda creepy

as i contemplate just on what level of fucked up this thing reaches on the nope-o-meter a shadow passes over the drawing and i turn aro-̵̠͕̯ͫ̈́̎ͮ͢͞

̷ͮ̿ͬ̉ͅ  
̰͉͔̮͕ͮ͆̾̄́͂̃ͯ̕Ḫ̷̶͎̩͈̤̗̖ͪ̑̈́̆ͯ͟ͅǒ̝͗ͫͧ͊ͪ̆̓N̗̖̖͇͓̟̟̋͛ͭ̈́ͧ̇ͯ͘͡k͈̝̠̠̠̖͕̳̿ͯ͋̑̆ ̠͍̤̦͓̜̳̟̓̅̆ͯ͊̐͒͛  
̶͇͔̒̂͂ͨ̒̄̈  
͖͚̭̑̚:͉̤̼̘͉̪̣ͤ̀̋͟ͅo͖̺̟͓͚ͩ̓̃̈̿͡)̪̲ͤ̏̈́̄̂ͪ̕͠͠ ̶͚̖͍ͫ̊ͪ̇  
̛̲̅̉ͯ̕


	8. Chapter 8

**Level 2, part 3.**

John: and then nic cage reunited with his wife and daughter and it was the most awesome scene in movie history, and literally nothing topped that ever after.

John: and that is why i named the froggit casey.

Karkat: ...

Karkat: DIDN'T YOU RUN INTO OTHER MONSTERS IN THERE?

John: yeah.

John: lots of them!

John: there were whimsuns too

John: and vegetoids

John: and moldsmols

John: and looxs

John: and toriel! she was great.

John: and a little asshole flower who pelted my cute little blue heart soul with 'friendliness' pellets. he was less great.

Karkat: NONE WHO WERE LIKE

Karkat: UGH, FORGET IT.

Karkat: HOW DID YOU EVEN GET OUT OF THERE?

John: um...

John: i just walked out.

Karkat: HOW?

John: with my legs, and my brain?

Karkat: DON'T BE A SMARTASS, THAT DOOR HAS ALWAYS BEEN LOCKED.

John: really?

Karkat: YES.

John: huh

John: these shades look like they belonged to a human, anyway.

Karkat: NO.

Karkat: JUST, NO, YOU IGNORANT BUCKET OF RAPIDLY DECOMPOSING GREY MATTER!

John: ew...omg, ew!

Karkat: THESE SHADES BELONG TO DAVE.

John: right, so he was probably a human.

John: when was the last time you saw the guy, anyway?

Karkat: ABOUT TWELVE YEARS AGO.

John: woah.

Karkat: WHAT?

John: i assumed you were like ten.

Karkat: FUCK YOU!

John: you're really short, dude.

Karkat: ARE ALL HUMANS THIS OBNOXIOUS?

John: i dunno, probably not.

Karkat: I'M 12, YOU FUCK.

Karkat: FOR ANOTHER COUPLE OF MONTHS ANYWAY, AND IT'S SUCH A FUCKING RELIEF YOU WON'T BE AROUND TO WITNESS MY ASCENT INTO TEENAGE-HOOD.

Karkat: TEENAGER-HOOD?

Karkat: OH MY FUCK, THAT SOUNDS SO LAME.

Karkat: THE BIG ONE THREE. YOU GET THE POINT.

John: meh.

John: i reached that 'milestone' today

John: nothing to brag about so far, dude.

John: unless having your little blue heart soul pelted by a demon flower counts as some kind of fucked up rite of passage?

Karkat: I'M PRETTY SURE IT DOESN'T.

Karkat: MONSTERS ARE JUST GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS BECAUSE YOU'RE A HUMAN.

John: man

John: why are you all so racist.

Karkat: I'M NOT!

John: orly?

Karkat: I JUST...

Karkat: I HAVE MY OWN REASONS, OK?

John: ok.

John: you just want to kill me because i'm human

John: but in a totally non racist way.

John: got it.

Karkat: EXACTLY

Karkat: WAIT

Karkat: OH, FUCK.

Karkat: NO

Karkat: IT'S

Karkat: FOR PAPYRUS.

John: ?

Karkat: HE'S BEEN TRYING TO JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD FOR WHO THE SHIT KNOWS HOW LONG.

Karkat: BUT THE CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD KEEPS MOCKING HIM.

John: maybe he's not very good.

Karkat: MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHUT YOUR SEED FLAP, AND KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF WHILE I SERVE YOU UP A PLATE FULL OF EMOTIONAL BACKSTORY AND EXPOSITION!

John: alright, sheesh!

Karkat: PAPYRUS IS A BONE HEAD.

Karkat: AND A TERRIBLE COOK.

Karkat: AND AN OBLIVIOUS SHIT WEASEL.

John: wow.

Karkat: BUT HE DOESN'T GIVE UP.

Karkat: EVEN WHEN SOMEONE WITH A FUNCTIONING THINK PAN WOULD KNOW WHEN TO CUT THEIR LOSSES.

Karkat: SO, I DECIDED TO CREATE MY OWN ROYAL GUARD. THEY'RE...STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS, BUT, THEY'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.

John: oh god, you're behind those monkeys?!

Karkat: STFU!

Karkat: LIKE I SAID, THEY'RE INEXPERIENCED.

Karkat: BUT ONCE THEY'RE TRAINED UP, THEY'LL BE READY TO JOIN PAPYRUS, AND SHOW THAT BITCH WHAT'S UP.

John: yeah good luck with that.

Karkat: BUT PAPYRUS

Karkat: HASN'T SHOWN MUCH INTEREST SO FAR.

Karkat: HE'S STILL DESPERATE FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S APPROVAL.

Karkat: SO I...

Karkat: I...

Karkat: SHIT...

John: ?

Karkat: GIVE ME A MINUTE.

John: where are you going?

Karkat: I'M GOING TO GO HAVE A DEEP AND MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION WITH THIS BUSH ON THE SUBJECT OF FUCKING MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

John: oh, ok.

John – Be the troll.

You be the monster, because that is clearly what you are, and anyone who thinks differently is a sponge dead ass cabinet. Once you are sure you are far enough away from the human, you pull out your phone and call Papyrus.

Karkat: HEY.

Papyrus: OH! IF IT ISN'T MY FRIEND, WHO I TRUST!

Karkat: YEAH, WHATEVER.

Karkat: DO YOU HAVE TO FUCKING SHOUT?

Papyrus: WELL, I AM JUST SO EXCITED! THERE IS A HUMAN RUNNING AROUND SNOWDIN, IS THERE NOT?

Karkat: YEAH...ABOUT THAT-

Papyrus: I AM ON MY WAY TO YOUR LOCATION RIGHT NOW, AS WE SPEAK!

Papyrus: I HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH MY PUZZLE, YOU SEE. WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD HOLD THE HUMAN UP BY THAT FRIENDLY SNOWMAN, I WAS SO OVERCOME WITH JOY THAT I SET THE TRAP RIGHT AWAY...

Papyrus: AND I'VE SINCE BEEN FIGURING OUT HOW TO SOLVE IT, SO I CAN GET OVER THERE!

Karkat: ...

Papyrus: IT IS A VERY DIFFICULT PUZZLE, BUT I AM DETERMINED TO BEAT IT!

Karkat: ...

Papyrus: NO MATTER HOW DASTARDLY AND DANGEROUS IT MAY BE!

Karkat: WAIT- DANGEROUS?

Karkat: PAPYRUS WHAT THE FU-

Papyrus: ONLY ONE WORD TO UNSCRAMBLE NOW!

Karkat: ...

Karkat: ARE YOU FUCKING PLAYING JUNIOR JUMBLE?!

Papyrus: AFFIRMATIVE!

Karkat: GODDAMNIT!

Karkat: OK

Karkat: WELL

Karkat: I GUESS THAT DOESN'T MATTER RIGHT NOW.

Karkat: THAT HUMAN-

Papyrus: OH YES! THE ONE YOU ARE LOYALLY DISTRACTING FOR ME!

Karkat: YEAH

Karkat: THAT ONE.

Karkat: HE...

Karkat: HE GOT AWAY.

Karkat: I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS NOW.

Papyrus: WELL, THAT'S OK! I WILL HUNT HIM DOWN, WITH MY IMPECCABLE SKILLS! AND SPRING ON HIM AN EVEN TOUGHER PUZZLE. ONE NOT EVEN I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL BE ABLE TO SOLVE! NYEH HEH HEH!

Well, that went just about as expected.

Bush: Hi! : )

Karkat: ...

Karkat: *SIGH* ...HI.

Karkat – Return to human unsuspiciously.

John: oh hey.

Karkat: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING.

John: hm?

Karkat: I'M HEADING HOME NOW.

Karkat: SO I WON'T BE HERE TO DEFEND YOUR USELESS EVACUATION SHOOT WHEN YOU'RE INEVITABLY ATTACKED.

John: you're leaving?

Karkat: YEAH

Karkat: AS OPPOSED TO WHAT LITTLE YOUR DEFLATED MIND LOAF CAN COMPREHEND, I'M A FUCKING IMPORTANT GUY WITH A SHIT TON OF STUFF TO DO.

John: oh...

John: well, ok.

John: i really should be on my way too.

John: i don't know why everyone has such a bone to pick with me down here, but i don't really want to stick around to find out.

Karkat: HE'S CAPABLE OF LEARNING.

Karkat: WOW.

Karkat: SLOW CLAP FOR THE IDIOT.

John: yeah yeah, weren't you going?

Karkat: RIGHT.

Karkat: I GUESS I SHOULD THANK YOU FOR THE SHADES.

John: literally no problem.

Karkat: AND THAT PIE WAS

Karkat: NICE.

Karkat: BYE.

John: later.

You are now free to spare the troll.

John – Reflect on making yet another friend.

Between Toriel, Casey and now this troll, you might just find you won't want to leave this place after all. If only everything wasn't out to kill you. As nice as this place is, you feel it is about time you should get going. You don't want something ridiculous to happen and trap you here for an extended amount of time.

Also, you should probably go find Casey.

 **End of level 2, part 3.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Intermission 2.**

Two girls stand in a tall cavern. This joke has been run into the ground, but we're going to go ahead and use it again one last time anyway. Lucky this bed of golden flowers is here; it really broke their fall – Oh. Oh wait. Oh fuck. One of you is actually seriously injured, isn't she?

Shit!

Ok, we can fix this.

Don't panic.

Damnit.

In the meantime, let's...

Cut back to John.

Go back!

Quick!

Fucking go back to Snowdin!

 **Level 2, part 3, part 2.**

[Absolutely NO moving!]

Seriously? No moving at all? Not even to scratch your nose? Which you just realized itches a hell of a lot right now. Oh, crap, you really need to scratch that itch.

John – Resist temptation to scratch that hella persistent itch.

You fail to resist the great urge to scratch your nose, and scratch away at leisure. Ah, that feels so good! So. Fucking. Good!

Doggo: Did something move?

Oh fuck.

Doggo: I can only see moving things.

Doggo: If something did move...For example, a human.

Doggo: I'll make sure it never moves again!

Just great. Another racist.

Why is everything down here so racist?

However, it appears this monster can only see things when they are moving. As the strife menu materializes into existence, you watch him slice eagerly at thin air with his weapon.

John – Stand completely still.

You stand still during his turn. He is unable to find you.

Something slides out of the bushes behind you, and, moving as little as possible, you pick it up. It is a whoopee cushion.

What the shit?

Oh balls, the dog appears to have spotted your brief movement. Better think of a diversion, and fast!

You throw the whoopee cushion, and the dog scampers after it, biting hard into its rubbery surface...

Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart...

...

...

...

The dog is absolutely perplexed. John, you should probably take this opportunity to abscond while he stands in complete dumbfounded silence, questioning every single life choice he has ever made.

You give the confused dog a little pat on the head as a condolence as you leave. This only serves to perturb him more.

Doggo: What?

Doggo: What just pet me?!

Doggo: S-s-something that wasn't moving just pet me!

Doggo: I'm...I need some dog treats...

Doggo: Holy-

Doggo: Ok...I'm calm. I'm calm...

It appears the dog is now having an existential crisis. Nice going John. Predictably, you are too busy right now to give him a full on counselling session. He'll be fine. You're sure of it...

Welp. Onward!

You resume trecking through the frozen forest. At this rate, you might be home sooner than you thought.

Sans: heya.

Oh, Goddamnit!

Sans: wanna buy some fried snow?

John: fried snow?

John: isn't that like

John: just water?

Sans: hehe, nothing gets past you buddo!

Sans: listen, i've been meaning to ask you a favour.

John: oh god.

Sans: my brother, papyrus. it would really make his day to see a human.

Sans: what do you say? wanna play along?

John: does 'playing along' include me being captured and my poor, dear sweet, sweet precious blue heart soul being pummelled by gay ass friendliness pellets?

John: because if so then i think that may be something i really don't want to do.

Sans: hey, lighten up bucko!

Sans: you'll be fine.

Sans: it might even be...

Sans: humerus.

John: wow.

Sans: my brother isn't dangerous, and you'll have me keeping an eye socket out for ya.

John: ...

Sans: hey, how'd that whoopee cushion work out for you?

John: you helped me back there?

Sans: yup.

John: hm...

John: ok, whatever, fuck it.

John: it might be fun.

John: i could tell him about nic cage.

John: or show him my awesome ghostbusters shirt.

John: have you seen ghostbusters?

John: i was never able to find a copy, but the merchandise is sweet as fuck.

John: even got a kickass ghostbusters video game.

John: which apparently was rarer than the actual movie itself.

John: but whatever.

John: do you get movies down here?

John: or games?

John: all the ones i like are ancient, but meh.

Sans: ...

John: all the movie titles now are longer than the movies themselves.

John: and they're all about troll romance and stuff.

John: which is pretty weird.

John: so many buckets.

John: and they give away the whole plot, so you might as well be reading a book.

John: they re-mastered an old dreamworks movie recently and the title made me go what the actual fuck?

John: it was like

John: 'in which our protagonist finally breaks free from the confines of monotonous, conformist day to day life, and regular, mundane existence. Then finds himself in the midst of a forbidden romantic inter-species relationship! This leads him to discover the heinous secrets the forbidden ones have been hiding from him. They have been stealing his precious life force all along! He is left with no choice but to take action against their entire, treacherous race to win back what is rightfully his. But his victory almost comes at a cost to the entire world...' that's half of the abridged title. The one they posted went on for three pages, and went into gross detail about the 'forbidden love between species.'

Sans: ...

Sans: ok...

Sans: well...

Sans: oh, hey, i think i hear my brother over there.

Sans: why don't you go tell him all that fascinating stuff you just told me.

Sans: i'm sure he'll find it...

Sans: iliuminating.

John: (oh my fucking god, are you fucking serious with that one?)

You turn away from Sans for a second to glance curiously in the direction of the frustrated skeleton noises nearby, and when you turn back he's vanished!

Goddamnit! Well, you might as well go investigate what Papyrus is up to.

Papyrus: OH, CONFOUND IT!

Papyrus: CURSE YOU JUNIOR JUMBLE, AND YOUR EVIL GENIUS!

Papyrus: I WILL BEST YOU! YOU CAN NOT HOPE TO DEFEAT, THE GREAT PAPYRUS!

John: um...hi.

John: i couldn't help noticing you were shouting a lot.

Papyrus: OH.

Papyrus: HELLO, STRANGE MONSTER I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!

Papyrus: HERE TO ADMIRE MY PUZZLE SOLVING SKILLS IN ACTION?

John: ...

John: yeah, sure.

John: let's say that is definitely the thing i'm doing.

Papyrus: OHO!

Papyrus: WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY IT FOR YOURSELF?

Papyrus: I HAVE GENEROUSLY COMPLETED THE FIRST THREE. YOU SEE, MY GREATNESS KNOWS NO BOUNDS!

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH!

Take a look at the puzzle?

You decide to take a look:

BONE (EBNO)

PAPYRUS (SRAYPUP)

SPAGHETTI (GESTAPHIT)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ (ECKHPTU)

This puzzle doesn't look so hard! And you did promise Sans you would humour his brother. You are in a rush to get home, but this will only take a moment. You're quite certain. Plus, puzzles can be fun.

John: ok. i will take a crack at it.

John: i am totally acers at puzzles.

...

Two hours later.

John: hrrrrrmmmm...

Papyrus: HMMM...

John: hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Papyrus: HHHHHHMMMMMMMMM...

Doggo: ...

Lesserdog: ...

Greater Dog: ...

Dogamy: ...

Dogaressa: ...

John: :O

John: hmmmm...

Sans: hey guys what's up?

Papyrus: SHHHHHHHH!

Sans: ...

Sans: it's ketchup.

John: oh come ON!

Papyrus: DAMNIT SANS!

John: i almost had it!

John: you saw i almost had it, right?

Lesserdog: *nod.* :P

Sans: hi human, making friends?

Papyrus: ...

Doggo: ...

Lesserdog: ...

Greater Dog: ...

Dogamy: ...

Dogaressa: ...

John: erm...

Papyrus: AH! THE HUMAN!

John – Abscond!

You run for your life, pursued by five angry dogs and a skeleton. Wow, that's a sentence I bet you never thought you'd ever hear get said. But damned if it didn't just get said anyway. They remain hot on your tail, as you hurtle through the trees Scooby Doo style. Man, you wish you had some decent chase music.

Instead you are forced to run for almost an entire half hour with only the sound of snarling canines, and smartass skeletal remarks. Once or twice, your poor little dear sweet heart soul is subjected to violent attacks from the dog's weapons, while Papyrus occupies himself with setting up traps and puzzles. Unfortunately for him, you're able to avoid the traps before they're set.

Sigh, those traps are useless now. You're absolutely sure they won't pose any relevance later on.

Eventually, you drag your exhausted ass across a precarious looking bridge, and to the outskirts of a quaint little town. You think you lost them at that last puzzle. Maybe you should hide out in one of these fine establishments and rest up...If you can make it that far. You have never been so tired in your entire life.

But wait, what is that? Oh, Hell yes, a Determination point! That should heal you right up, and you'll be able to go right on your way. You would have liked to check out this sweet town, but you're positive you have no choice but to speed ahead while Papyrus has the dogs accidentally ensnared in his personal spin on noughts and crosses.

John – Receive Determination.

You crawl over to the Determination point. There's another box beside it, but you should really check that out after you get yourself healed up. Something is jammed between the box and the lid, preventing it from closing properly. Something shiny...Is that a knitting needle? Hmm...

Against your better judgement, and despite all logic and _basic fucking common sense_ , you lift the lid the rest of the way, and find two identical knitting needles.

You got the Thorns of Oglogoth!

Great. Now you should grab some of that Determination before you pass out-

Oh, Goddamnit!

 **End of Level 2, part 3. (for real this time.)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Intermission 2. (fo reals this time yo ;) *wonk*)**

 **whhops wink***

 **whoopd***

 **whoopi***

 **goldberg***

 **nailed it like a motherfuckin genius^***

Years, and years, and years in the past.

We return to the two young ladies in the tall cavern. They're...now completely surrounded by pumpkins for some reason. Ok. Weird. But whatever.

More importantly, the older girl seems to be healed up a little bit. Her sister appears to have used a portal gun of sorts to summon her a first aid kit. Good. Now we may proceed.

Let us name the younger sister!

XXXX XXXXXXX

You cannot name the younger sister at this time. Her adventure is off limits for now. Why don't we try naming the older sister, now she is not about to die.

QUEEN OF TENTACLES.

Seriously?

Despite this name being completely ridiculous and nonsensical, she seems to think it has a nice ring to it. But, no. We're not going with that.

ROSE LALONDE.

Much better. A much more acceptable name for such a dignified young lady.

Both girls proceed cautiously into the next chamber, their weapons out, their oddly, yet beautifully coloured eyes focused on their surroundings.

This is how you keep your guard up, John!

Who is this John?

Don't worry about it. He won't be born for quite some time.

Rose: Where is this place?

?: not sure

?: i think

?: it is some kind of totes abandoned cave

?: they wont find us down here roro

Rose: I hope you're right.

Rose: But this place gives me the creeps.

?: chillaz

?: chillax*

?: jsut enjoy the scenery

?: take it all in and be calm yo tits

?: like this

?: (for ref my face is totally playing poker rn)

?: (fuckin relaxed as shit)

Rose: I would enjoy the scenery more if I could actually see it.

Rose: It is quite dark.

?: cant you shed some light on the situation ;)

Rose: Hm...I could light my wand. Can you cover us with the defense?

?: ys

Rose: Ok, here goes.

The girls proceed to tread carefully through the deserted cavern. It is so dark and foreboding, and riddled with cobwebs. The younger sister's scarf snags on one as they walk, but she barely even notices.

Although this place appears completely abandoned, neither can shake the feeling of being watched by someone, or something hiding in the shadows.

Rose: One thing is for certain about this place.

Rose: We're definitely not alone.

Rose: But whatever it is occupying this space with us, I have no idea if it's hostile or just terrified out of its mind.

Rose: It feels unsettling and familiar, though.

?: does it

Rose: You probably won't remember.

?: no im p much getting the déjà vus too

?: but dunno why

Rose: Right, you have an affinity for magic too. We are sisters, after all. And you were born at the time, so it stands to reason you might recognize this feeling as well. Even if you can't quite put your finger on what it means.

?: lol is it story time again

Rose: Yes.

?: hells the fuck yeah

Rose: Hells the fuck yeah indeed. Now, where was I?

?: spooky magic déjà vu

Rose: Ok. I can work with that as a starter...

Rose: When I was two years old. Before you were even born, a child went missing from our village. Of course, I have little to no recollection of this happening, but for a time, people were up in arms over something my tiny infant brain could not begin to comprehend.

Rose: A couple of years later, though, and during one of my first crystal clear memories, they returned.

Rose: But they were dead.

?: :O

Rose: A hideous monster showed up in the village, holding their dead body. The adults threw everything they had at the brute, but it was too strong. It stood there and bared its ferocious fangs, menacingly, and showed no signs of retaliation, even when wounded beyond any degree a mortal being could bare. It was taunting us. It knew it could wipe us all out in an instant, but it chose not to. Perhaps it was waiting for the right time.

Rose: I wanted to run back to the house and hide. But, for documentation purposes, I stayed to watch the beast being slain. Not everyone has the luxury of sleeping through such a horrific event, like you.

?: lol

Rose: Granted you were a baby, so you are excused.

?: ty

Rose: Nothing our people did had any lasting effect at all on the monster. And it began to escape! Taking the child's body with it.

Rose: There was nothing else for it. They had to rely on help from...her.

Rose: And, for some bizarre reason, not only did she sympathize with our plight. But she came in person to hunt the creature down. Nobody knew why that was.

Rose: We were just a small settlement, among the humble number of settlements she had reduced our species to. We had no reason to believe she would care about our fate. But she came and chased the demon away, and made sure it never came back.

?: wow

?: ) ( er Imperious Condescension herself

?: that her?

Rose: Yes. Exactly that her.

Rose: But I'm afraid I've gone off track.

Rose: The point is. That same energy the monster gave off, I feel it down here. We had better keep our guard up.

?: dw roro

?: got my guard up as shit

?: my eyes are fuckin peeled

?: if a monster attacks us imma drop a jack o lantern on its ass

?: are jack o lanterns still a relevant thing to do with pumpkins in 2032

?: goddamn condesce wrecking all our shit and making pumpkins obsolete

Rose: Yes.

Rose: Well.

Rose: I would imagine a monster that powerful would take more than a gourd to the noggin. Funny though that visual image may be.

?: l m fucking a o

Rose: I suspect that was the 'boss' monster, and the ones that may or may not be hiding down here are his underlings. We should be ok as long as we're careful.

Rose: Maybe, once we get somewhere we can rest for a while, I will begin to document our progress. It may serve as useful information once we are back on the surface.

?: i dunno i kinda like it down here

?: apart from all the monsters probably hiding and waiting to shank us when our backs are turned

?: still got my guard ways up btw

?: but rn it seems safer down here than up there

Rose: That is true, but think of the information we could glean from this place.

Rose: This abandoned city is just begging to be investigated. These old puzzles...I am curious to know what happened here. And why it is so desolate.

Rose: Most importantly, it may lead us to a discovery pertaining to the nature and origins of the beast who attacked our village-

Toriel: Oh...Hello?

Rose: (Oh fuck.)

Toriel: It has been...a while since...

Toriel: I am not sure what to...

Toriel: ...Hello. You have fallen down, have you not?

Toriel: You poor children.

Toriel: I have just finished making a butterscotch pie. Would you like to join me?

?: sweet!

Rose: (What happened to being cautious?)

Rose: (I am picking up some serious Hanzel and Gretel vibes here.)

Rose: (Besides...That energy is coming from her. Granted, less extreme.)

?: (yeah but roro)

?: (i am sensing hella trustworthies here)

?: (plus she made pie)

?: (and youre injured as fuck we should probs rest)

?: (assess our shit)

?: (also pie)

?: (pie ftw roro)

Rose: ...

Rose: (Alright, fine. We'll stay for pie.)

?: (yessssssssssssssssss)

 **End of Intermission 2, part 1.**

(As of now I've caught up with the chapters already written up, so uploads may slow down a little until I get ahead again. I'll try to keep posting between once a week/every ten days, but I am very lazy. We've decided to write the entire fanfic on here, and begin to post the illustrated version on Tumblr when we get far enough into it that uploads won't be mega slow. (So probably around when John gets to Hotland.) I really really hope this is going ok so far, and that those of you enjoying it continue to do so. ^w^ Thank you guys so much for the reviews, I really appreciate it.)


	11. Chapter 11

**Level 2, part 4.**

Innkeeper: Welcome to Snowed Inn, Snowdin's first (and only) choice for tourists passing through! Unfortunately, there are no available rooms at the moment, as both are currently occupied by slumbering guests. Maybe you should come back later? You are perfectly welcome to stay any other time, as long as you have 80G to spare.

Innkeeper: What's that? You wish to hear about the other guests?

Innkeeper: Well, ok then. That loud, buzzing sound you hear upstairs and to the right happens to be the snoring of a small family. Nobody is completely sure what their deal is. They like to stay here from time to time. They're noisy sleepers, but otherwise harmless.

Innkeeper: The OTHER guest, on the other hand, is rather interesting. He was carried into the inn by a concerned bystander who found him sleeping outside.

Innkeeper: Outside? Whoever heard of someone sleeping outside in the middle of Snowdin! He doesn't even have any fur, the poor dear. But, outside was where he was found, fast asleep and covered in snow. The concerned bystander paid for his stay and left.

Innkeeper: Curious.

Innkeeper: Oh! Here he comes now! Shoo shoo! And pretend we weren't just talking about him.

Innkeeper: In fact, maybe we should be him?

Reader – Be John.

You, the reader, be John, and I, the narrator, resume the narrative that sweet, kindly bunny lady was doing a stellar job of handling. You, John, and you, the reader, wish we could just get on with the story already.

You are now John, and you find yourself baffled by the ridiculous conversation going on in your own head. But, you are more confused, and a little concerned, about your current whereabouts.

What is this place? The last you remember is passing out in the snow. Speaking of, you find your injuries are healed, well above your maximum HP. You didn't even know that was possible.

As you descend the staircase, you try to remember the dream you were just having. It was an odd dream, and made very little sense. What a strange accent that guy spoke in.

Innkeeper: Oh, up so soon?

Innkeeper: You look like you had a refreshing night's sleep.

John: oh holy crap, you're a talking bunny.

Baby bunny: Mom, what's a holy crap?

Innkeeper: Please don't swear, dear.

John: omg you are a tiny bunny, just like the one nic cage gave to his daughter casey in las vegas.

John: so fucking- i mean, so cute!

John: i thought you were like a plush bunny or something.

John: now that i think about it, that would have made you more like the bunny nic cage gave to casey, on account of that bunny not being able to talk, and not being an actual alive bunny.

Innkeeper: Um...

Innkeeper: We are not programmed to know how to respond to that.

John: oh.

John: well...

John: um...

John: what is this place?

John: some kind of hotel?

Innkeeper: Yes! This is Snowed inn...I would welcome you, but you've been here for some time.

John: really? how long?

Innkeeper: Yep. You were sleeping for about sixteen hours.

John: shit. my lusus is going to be so pissed.

John: er...mad.

Innkeeper: Your lusus?

John: yeah like

John: the adult male they assigned to raising me when i was born.

Innkeeper: Oh. You mean your father?

John: i dunno.

John: i guess he would have been in the past sorta?

John: maybe.

John: but i really should get going.

John: how many gold is it?

Innkeeper: Oh. Don't worry. A concerned bystander covered your bill.

John: they did?

John: do you know who it was? i should probably pay them back.

Innkeeper: It was one of the skeleton brothers.

Innkeeper: The short one, who tells the most amusing puns.

John: oh

John: great...

John: well.

John: see you!

Innkeeper: Goodbye. Remember to stop by again soon, ok?

John: ok, i probably won't do that, but alright, later.

You exit the inn, and instinctively make a beeline for the little yellow Determination dispenser. Although you have more than enough HP. It can't hurt to stock up on Determination, though. You feel as though something important will happen if you get enough. That will have to be pondered upon some other time, however, because the building next door to the inn has caught your eye. It is a shop. Maybe you could also stock up on healing items – you mean food.

John – enter shop.

Shopkeeper: Hello there traveler!

Shopkeeper: Well, don't you look exotic. Would you care to browse our shelves?

You take a look around at the items for sale, and marvel at their strangeness:

BISICLE. CINNAMON BUNNY. CLEVER DISGUISE.

You stock up on all the goods. All of them, and buy yourself a clever disguise while you're at it. This way, no monsters will be tempted to fight you. You don the ridiculous glasses, mustache, hat and pipe, and leave the shop feeling especially proud of yourself. Not even the Great Papyrus himself will see through this clever ruse!

Snowdin, you find, is a quaint little village, and everyone seems especially friendly. Perhaps because they cannot tell you are a human. A large, decorated tree stands in the middle of the village. Beneath it are many boxes wrapped in colourful paper and ribbons.

Oh! You've heard of this before! It's called a...a...

Blast! The name escapes you.

Some monsters are gathered around the tree, or so you thought. On closer inspection, you find they are gathered around a small man draped in colourful bed sheets, and wearing an oversized red hat with a white pom pom on the end. A formal looking black sash across his chest reads: Mayor, and instead of skin, or fur, his body is covered in a hard, shiny black shell.

He is absolutely fucking adorable!

Oh! Oh look! He is building a little fort with the colourful boxes! Aww!

All the monsters seem in agreement with you. A small, armless monster in a striped sweater in particular, seems rather taken by the adorable little guy.

John: who is this guy?

Monster Kid: Woah. You're kidding, right?

Monster Kid: That's the Mayor.

Monster Kid: Everyone knows the Mayor!

Monster Kid: The Mayor is great!

John: so he is the guy in charge down here?

John: i wonder if he knows all his citizens are so racist.

Monster Kid: WOAH!

John: what?

Monster Kid: You.

John: me.

Monster Kid: You're a kid, aren't you?

John: um yeah, i dunno. probably not any more. today happens to be my birthday.

Monster Kid: Haha! You can't fool me. That striped sweater.

Monster Kid: That means you're a kid, for sure.

John: yes.

John: the clothing i choose to wear – or in this case am made to wear by an overbearing, cake obsessed lusus – is more an indication of the stage of life i am presently experiencing, than my actual age.

John: good observation numbnuts.

Monster Kid: Haha!

Monster Kid: You're funny. We should be friends.

John: yeah, we'll see. which way is out of town?

Monster Kid: Oh! Are you going to see Undyne?!

John: yes

John: yes i am.

Monster Kid: Cool!

Monster Kid: It's that way.

John: thank you

Monster Kid: See you later, then!

You make your way to the edge of town, past a tavern, and a librarby, and some houses. Jebus is it fucking cold. If you weren't wearing your sweater right now, you and your adorable little blue heart soul would certainly be reduced to icicles.

Papyrus: HALT, TRAVELER!

John: dammit

Papyrus: YOU MAY NOT PROCEED.

Papyrus: THE WAY AHEAD IS RIFE WITH DANGER, THE LIKES NOT EVEN MY MOST EXTRAVAGANT PUZZLES COULD EVEN DARE TO DREAM OF!

Papyrus: IF YOU CHOOSE TO LEAVE SNOWDIN AT THIS TIME, I AM AFRAID YOU WILL BE SWEPT AWAY BY THE RIVER TEMS, WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE CROPPED UP OVER NIGHT.

John: river what now?

Papyrus: IT WOULD SEEM THE TEMMIE VILLAGE HAS BREACHED ITS BORDERS UPON THE EXCITEMENT CAUSED BY THE SUDDEN AND UNEXPECTED ARRIVAL OF A HUMAN INTO OUR MIDST.

Papyrus: AFTER I LOST SIGHT OF THE HUMAN YESTERDAY, DUE TO A RARE LAPSE IN MY USUAL GREATNESS, HE WAS EXPECTED TO ARRIVE IN THEIR TERRITORY.

Papyrus: WHEN HE DID NOT, THEY PILED OUT OF THEIR VILLAGE BY THE HUNDREDS AND FLOODED WATERFALL!

Papyrus: I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO CONTACT UNDYNE, AND I MUST SAY, I WOULD BE WORRIED, IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT SHE IS NIGH INDESTRUCTIBLE.

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH!

John: wow

John: none of that even kinda made sense.

John: do you have any idea where that handsome human may have got to?

Papyrus: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.

Papyrus: WHICH IS PUZZLING TO SAY THE LEAST.

Papyrus: AND SANS IS NO HELP AT ALL! HE'S ACTING EVEN LAZIER THAN USUAL!

Papyrus: NICE GLASSES, BY THE WAY.

John: (hehehehehe)

Papyrus: WHERE WERE YOU HEADING IN SUCH A HURRY?

John: i was going to see undyne.

Papyrus: OH!

Papyrus: INTERESTED IN JOINING THE ROYAL GUARD, TOO, ARE YOU?

John: yeah, sure.

Papyrus: THEN WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS!

Papyrus: COME! I WILL TAKE YOU UNDER MY WING AS MY DISCIPLE IN LEARNING. UNDYNE WILL BE SO PLEASED! ANOTHER YOUNG PROTÉGÉ THE ART OF HUMAN HUNTING!

John: why are you touching me?

Papyrus: OF COURSE.

Papyrus: YOU CANNOT HOPE TO BE AS STRONG, OR SUCCESSFUL, OR HANDSOME AS I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS!

John: aren't you like, not actually a member of the royal guard yet?

Papyrus: BUT WITH THAT DASHING MUSTACHE, AND ELEGANT PIPE, YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY!

John: where are we going?

Papyrus: ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO YOUR NEW FRIENDS AND RIVALS!

Papyrus: THEY USUALLY HANG OUT IN THAT GREASE TRAP, GRILLBYS.

Papyrus: I USUALLY STAY AWAY FROM THAT PLACE, BUT, FOR YOU, I WILL PUT ASIDE MY GRIEVANCES.

John: i can't tell if that was a response to my question, or if you were going to say that next anyway.

Papyrus guides you into the tavern you passed earlier, visibly disgusted by the atmosphere. This is no place for the highly distinguished skeleton! But, alas, this is where the actual members of the Royal Guard hang out, when they are not busy beating the shit out of unsuspecting humans.

The tavern is filled with the chattering of monsters at various stages of inebriation. Papyrus makes a beeline for the table of dogs. The same dogs you met yesterday. Thank heavens for your brilliant disguise! They will never suspect you are the cunning little human who slipped through their paws! Nyeh heh heh heh-

Dogaressa: Papyrus, what are you doing with the human?

Oh son of a fuck!

Papyrus: THE HUMAN?! WHERE?

Dogaressa: Right there, behind you.

Papyrus: BUT, THE ONLY ONE STANDING BEHIND ME IS THIS DASHING, MUSTACHED FELLOW.

Papyrus: THE HUMAN DOESN'T HAVE A MUSTACHE.

Papyrus: AND HE ONLY WEARS ONE PAIR OF GLASSES. THIS GUY RIGHT HERE IS WEARING TWO.

Dogaressa: That is clearly the human wearing a terrible disguise!

Dogaressa: Dogamy dear, tell him!

Dogamy: Hmm...

Dogamy: Did the human have a pipe?

Dogaressa: Are you kidding me?

Dogaressa: Are you being for real right now?

Dogaressa: Use. Your. Nose!

Dogamy: Oh sure, he SMELLS suspicious, but look at that hat!

Dogaressa: ...

Dogaressa: Doggo?

Doggo: How should I know? I can't see him.

Dogaressa: Ok, fair point.

Dogaressa: Lesser- OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Dogaressa: ARE YOU LETTING HIM PET YOU?

Lesserdog: :P

John: good dog. best friend!

The more you pet Lesserdog, the more excited he becomes. The big guy bounds towards you as well and begins roughly demanding attention. The petting won't stop! You are fuck deep in fluffy heaven and you do not intend to stop any time soon.

As you pet, Greater Dog becomes more boisterous. He wants to play, damnit! But there is no room for fetch in here. You'll have to go outside. Lesserdog also demands a more spacious area. His neck has begun to extend.

You also should probably get away from Dogaressa before she blows your cover.

While you get up to leave, however, Greater Dog becomes impatient and paws clumsily at your face, knocking off your clever disguise.

Papyrus: OH MY GOD! IT'S THE HUMAN!

John: aw shit.

Dogaressa: Oh my. Would you look at that. It's the human. Whoever would have guessed?

John – Abscond!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

You scamper out of the tavern as fast as you can. Your legs still ache from your long run yesterday. This is the worst possible situation you could possibly be in right now! You barely make it past the decorated tree before the strife menu springs to life and your dear sweet precious, sweet sweet adorable blue heart soul is on display for all to attack.

There are so many monsters crammed into the menu, you are sure that just one attack will completely fill the box to the brim with 'friendliness' pellets. You are so boned! And Goddamnit no, that was not a pun!

Dogaressa: Ow! Papyrus, you're on my foot!

Papyrus: DOGGO IS ELBOWING ME IN THE RIBS!

Dogamy: Can you move over? I can't double attack with my wife from here.

Greater Dog: Bark! Bark!

Lesserdog: XP

Papyrus: ALLOW ME TO TAKE ON THE HUMAN, ALONE.

Papyrus: I WILL PROVE TO UNDYNE THAT I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS CAN – OW! MY CHEEK BONE!

Sans: heya guys. what's going on in here?

Papyrus: SANS! GET OUT OF THE STRIFE MENU!

Papyrus: IT IS CROWDED ENOUGH AS IT IS!

Sans: huh.

Sans: why does the strife menu actually exist on this plane of reality, anyway?

Papyrus: WHAT?

Sans: like, why don't you just attack the human?

John: hey! i thought you were on my side!

Sans: sorry kid. guess we're all stuck in a marrow situation.

John: marrow?

Sans: narrow. i kinda used a lot of my good ones yesterday.

John: ...

Doggo: Why is it that all I can see is Greater Dog's great buttocks waving back and forth in front of my face?

Ok, now this is getting fucking ridiculous! If this menu gets any more crowded, someone will be ejected straight the fuck out of it and into the decorated tree! Hopefully that won't happen. It would seriously inconvenience the adorable little Mayor.

Predictably, that little armless monster curiously wanders into the bustling crowd.

Monster Kid: Woah, hey. What's going on?

Greater Dog is propelled straight out of the menu and into the tree, making a tremendous mess.

God. DAMNIT!

Decorations clatter to the ground, and the large pile of colourfully wrapped boxes begins to sway.

Shit! Mayor, watch out!

The Mayor is about to be crushed by a mountain of boxes!

You leap to the rescue, pushing him out of the way just in time. One of the boxes bonks you on the head, and you lose one HP. But you don't really care. You still have nine more than the maximum.

Oh, son of a bitch! The rest of the boxes quickly dissolve your health boost. Now, if you want extra HP, you're going to have to fork out money to sleep at the inn.

Oh well. At least the Mayor is safe. Dear sweet precious Mayor. The monsters behind you seem to have deactivated the troublesome strife menu, and returned your little blue heart soul to its rightful place.

It looks like the Mayor wants something. Hm? What's that? He has a gift for you. It is a can of some sort. You are not sure what mystery food the can contains, as the label has been peeled off, but you thank him awkwardly anyway. And during this adorable exchange, the other inhabitants of Snowdin gather around, but no one seems to want to attack you. Not even the Royal Guard. On the contrary. Gratitude is in order!

You saved the Mayor, and Snowdin is eternally grateful. You may have just broken the record for sparing an entire town in one go. Go you!

 **End of level 2, part 4.**


	12. Chapter 12

(It has been brought to my attention that using ridiculous fonts is super inconvenient. XD I apologize, I got carried away. It is fixed now, though.)

 **Intermission 2, part 2.**

 _"As promised, I have decided to record our journey through this intriguing underground cavern. My sister and I arrived in this snowy town just a couple of hours ago, and I have found this library quite informative to say the least._

 _But first things first._

 _I will start at the beginning, as is customary for any story that wants to make a lick of sense. Indeed, why would anyone begin a story in the middle, or, hypothetically speaking, near the very end, with the very last hero taking center stage? I prefer to keep things linear, so I will. I will also keep this re-telling as brief as possible, so as not to bog down any audience I am able to acquire with walls of exposition._

 _So, to begin, all relevant details pertaining to our current situation most likely stem from the culling of our lusus. My sister and I are quite possibly some of the last magic users left alive following the mass near extinction of our species. Other members of our quaint settlement have always distrusted us, for reasons I am only now beginning to piece together in this fascinating well of information._

 _Our lusus always kept us protected from any would be attackers. She was always so badass, in a sort of passive-aggressive, always trying to one-up me sort of way. But I gave back as much as I got. My sister, on the other hand, always found her antics to be humorous, saying, and I quote: "lmfao roro you need to chill your ass down and get with the ironies"_

 _Oh, I am perfectly with the 'ironies'. What I am not with, is finding a picture I drew when I was three, of a cat who frequented our village for scraps, and having it framed in gold, encrusted with diamonds, and perma glued to the back of the toilet for all to see before taking a dump._

 _But, when all is said and done, I do miss her. Very much. And the circumstances surrounding her death were extremely dubious. At first glance, one would think it was a member of our village who killed her. But the whole thing reeked of the Condesce. Or, at the very least, her high blood goons._

 _I have been furious for so long, wondering why she would do this. Why attack an innocent lusus, who was only serving the purpose you assigned her to? But now, I think I know why. It had something to do with this cavern, and the reason these monsters are trapped down here in the first place._

 _A long time ago, before the Condesce showed up, it was monsters who lived alongside us, rather than trolls. According to documentation, the monsters were sealed below ground by a spell performed by seven skilled magicians. If seven could do that to an entire race, imagine what two could do to one being. The Condesce wanted all magic users destroyed to prevent an uprising, and she wanted it done subtly, to avoid invoking any blame later._

 _Ironically, this is what I believe happened back then as well. The Condesce has her ways of manipulating others to do her bidding, and one such means is by use of a certain tiara. In all of the drawings of these seven fabled magicians I can find, there is something troubling, and familiar about their head gear. Relationships between humans and monsters were hostile, and so I believe she lent them the 'helpful' head gear to gain their trust. It is much easier to conquer a planet of alien creatures if they like you._

 _This is all speculation of course, and regardless of what transpired back then, the monsters are clearly under the impression that humans were responsible for their imprisonment. The majority of monsters we have encountered thus far have used violence against us, and I regret to report we have had to kill a number of them._

 _Let me stress this now, before I go on. This is for any humans who may fall down in future. These monsters are not evil. If you can find a way to spare them, please do. If you have made it this far, then you have no doubt encountered the Caretaker of the Ruins. And if that is so, you should already know that not all monsters are inherently hostile. I had my forebodings about her initially, as she gave off an air similar to that of a beast who attacked our village years ago. Now, of course, I have doubts about the nature of that beast as well._

 _The only point at which I felt any potential threat from her was when we decided to leave. Fortunately we were able to avoid a fight, but I now know why she was so reluctant to let us go._

 _For any monsters who may stumble upon this tome, please know, although I am sure humans are not blameless in your situation, I am almost certain a troll was largely responsible. If you seek revenge against her, join the fucking club._

 _I guess, by the time anyone reads this, it will be too late._

 _Once we escaped the Ruins, or, more accurately, were let go, we arrived in a snow covered forest. Here we were met by trained elites; monsters who called themselves the Royal Guard. We were forced to kill almost every one we came across. Similarly to the Ruins, I sensed the presence of other monsters as well, but nobody came forward for a fight. I am relieved that they didn't._

 _Along the way, my sister insisted on stopping to build a snowman. I can't really blame her. Neither of us have seen snow before. It is rather peculiar, if a little cold for my liking. Today was one of those days I am especially thankful our lusus taught us to knit. These sweaters are a life saver!_

 _Anyway, that thrilling detour aside, when we arrived in this town, it was largely deserted, just like everywhere else. I would go into detail about our experiences exploring the town thus far, but I am running out of time. I heard talk that they are sending a 'hero' to destroy us. A hero by the name of Gerson. I am quite confident in my skills in combat by this point, and I am positive I shall be back to record the battle. But, if by some slim margin of chance I fail_

 _I think I hear him coming now. I don't have time to finish what I was going to say. Farewell for now._

 _RL-"_

Well, that was depressing.

John- Close book and contemplate what you just read.

It looks like you have stumbled upon the owner of those knitting needle wands you recently acquired. Quite possibly the headband as well. Wow, what an...outspoken individual. However, the detail that really surprises you is the stuff about the Condesce.

Really John, really? How in the ever loving fuck can that surprise you at all? That sea bitch has been fucking shit up since before you were born. It should come as no surprise that she'd be capable of trapping these poor, dear sweet innocent monsters below ground. Fucking fish troll.

You have a mind to march out of here right now and thrust this book into the nearest monster's hands...or paws...or tentacles...or whatever slime monsters have. It is so dusty; you doubt anyone has picked it up since RL kindly filled it with crudely timed exposition dump.

You won't bring it to the monster's attention, though, since you kinda became hate friends with a troll down here and wouldn't want to see any harm come to his little heart soul, whatever colour it may be.

Yes, you are quite certain that the true nature of the circumstances leading to the monster's imprisonment will never be brought up again. Ever. So let's move on, shall we?

RL's mention of the 'Caretaker of the Ruins' also catches you off guard. This book has definitely been here for quite some time. She couldn't possibly have been talking about Toriel...right?

Hm...Just how old IS Toriel?

With that in mind, you should probably call her. See how she's doing. Since you abandoned her.

You pause for a moment and sit in silence. Waiting. Usually, whenever you think about contacting Toriel, your phone decides to start ringing. But, nope. Not this time. What a nice change.

Well, not everything can be a shitty running gag, can it?

John- Exit librarby to contact Toriel. Uninterrupted.

Librarian: Bye now! Come again soon!

John: see ya.

John: i'll probably be back, since i'm stuck here for a while.

John: and it is nice to see books that aren't just crappy troll romance novels.

John: so. many. buckets.

Librarian: We do have books on cleaning products as well, if you are interested.

John: i am not sure what that has to do with buckets, but ok. my lusus did all the cleaning though.

John: and cooking.

John: so many cakes.

John: like yesterday, there were probably at least three cakes in my bedroom.

John: they're probably going to go to waste now.

John: not that they wouldn't have anyway, but now they're probably being joined by a fuckload more.

John: i think my lusus has a baking problem.

Librarian: We also have books on baking. :)

John: oh hell no.

John: if i see another cake, i'm doing an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle.

You exit the librarby, taking time to appreciate just how nice the monsters actually are. It is such a nice change, having no one trying to kill you.

Damnit, I, and I can probably speak for the poor readers as well, wanted more conflict than this! Sparing an entire town in one go should be illegal. Even if it was to save the adorable little Mayor.

Anyway, enough fucking around. Call Toriel before you are-

Papyrus: OH! HELLO HUMAN!

Adsfl:gh

Papyrus: ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING OF GREAT IMPORTANCE?

John: probably not.

John: just calling my almost adoptive goat lusus

John: who i abandoned for adventure.

John: and keep getting shit about it from some annoying voice in my head that never shuts up.

Papyrus: SPLENDID!

Papyrus: I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR TRYING TO CAPTURE YOU.

Papyrus: INDEED, I WAS NOT AWARE HUMANS WERE CAPABLE OF SUCH COMPASSION.

Papyrus: I WILL HAVE TO HAVE A WORD WITH UNDYNE, ONCE THE TEMMIE SITUATION IS CLEARED UP.

John: how long will that take, again?

Papyrus: I'M NOT SURE. PERHAPS A MONTH.

John: fuck.

Papyrus: DO NOT FROWN, HUMAN! FOR I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL BE YOUR FRIEND!

John: well, you're probably less awful than my shitty froggit friend. she just up and hopped away the first chance she got.

John: i don't think she liked me very much.

John: you are actually pretty cool in comparison.

Papyrus: OH...

John: ?

Papyrus: OH MY.

Papyrus: I WAS NOT AWARE YOU HAD ANY...

Papyrus: FEELINGS LIKE THAT.

John: wut?

Papyrus: OH DEAR. I MAY HAVE COME ACROSS AS TOO AWESOME.

John: um...

Papyrus: WELL, ALRIGHT...

Papyrus: I WILL GIVE IT A GO.

Papyrus: IT IS THE LEAST I CAN DO

Papyrus: FOR MY DEAR, NEW FRIEND!

John: wait

John: is this going where i think this is going?

John: please don't be going where i think it's going. please don't be going where i think it's going. please don't be going where i think it's going-

Papyrus: I WILL DO MY BEST.

Papyrus: YES.

Papyrus: LET'S DO IT!

Papyrus: LET'S GO ON A DATE!

 **End of-...Wait, what?**

 **The fuck just happened?!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Level – wait**

 **What is this?**

 **Does this even count as part of level 2?**

 **Have we reached 3 already?**

This Goddamn fanfic.

This kind of shit is the reason my wife left me and I started drinking again.

Nothing can ever be fucking straight forward.

Ok. That's it! I'm not narrating this bullshit.

Someone else can take over. See if I care.

Get my manager on the phone, I didn't sign up for this!

And get that fucking camera out of my face!

...

...

...

Papyrus: (WHY ARE WE JUST STANDING STILL?)

John: (i don't think we're supposed to move right now.)

Papyrus: (OH...)

...

...

...

Alright, where were we?

This is your guy Hearts Boxcars, narrating for duty, since that wisecrap turned diva.

This is why you's don't work with amateurs.

Hey Slick! Don't stab the equipment, apparently we's have to pay for everything we break.

Anyways.

The two love birds return to the house of the skeleton motherfucker, what's-his-face.

(That's your cue to move your arses.)

Papyrus: OH!

John: oh, ok cool.

They's enter the house and the human looking fella takes a look around.

Human looking fella – rummage through some shit.

You find some loose change on the couch and pocket that shit, because all's fair game when you's find it.

John: no, i am pretty sure that's stealing.

John: and what kind of role model would that make me to dear sweet precious casey?

Fine, you be a piss baby and hand over the money to Skeletor like a chump. Because that's what chumps do. You chumping loser!

John: hey look at me tuning you out, and basically not giving a fuck!

Fucking pansy ass motherfucker.

Can we get to the smooching already?

Or, you could continue to rummage around with no intention a stealin' nothing, like a boring fuck.

John: um...why is this rock covered with sprinkles?

Papyrus: THAT IS MY BROTHER'S PET ROCK!

Papyrus: HE FORGOT TO FEED IT YESTERDAY.

Papyrus: AND TODAY, FOR THAT MATTER, WHICH IS TROUBLING TO SAY THE LEAST.

Papyrus: BUT THAT IS WHY HE IS LUCKY TO HAVE A COOL GUY LIKE ME AROUND, TO DO IT FOR HIM WHEN HE'S TOO MUCH OF A LAZY BONES.

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH!

John: wow.

John: i would say that's probably the dumbest thing i've ever heard, but i have never had a pet. so what do i know?

John: oh sweet! you get tv down here?

John: what movies do you have?

You turn on the TV and...

Hm...

Now THIS is the kinda thing I'm talking about! Look at that bee and that human gal smooching it up! Hot damn!

Papyrus: WHAT?!

Papyrus: THIS SHOW IS USUALLY BETTER THAN THIS!

Papyrus: THIS MUST JUST BE A BAD EPISODE. DON'T JUDGE!

John: uh...huh...

John: you know, the thing i appreciate about those old dreamworks movies is, no buckets.

John: although, bees are gross, so that's a moot point on this one.

John: also, this is just widely accepted as a shitty movie all around.

Papyrus: AGREED.

Papyrus: LET US SHUT IT OFF AND NOT REFERENCE IT AGAIN.

Oh, fuck the both of you!

Go into the kitchen, then.

Papyrus: MY BROTHER USUALLY GOES OUT TO EAT.

Papyrus: BUT, YESTERDAY HE TRIED BAKING SOMETHING.

Papyrus: IT WAS LIKE...A QUICHE. BUT MADE WITH A SUGARY, NON EGG SUBSTANCE.

Papyrus: I WONDER WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO HIM, RECENTLY.

Papyrus: HMM...

Papyrus: SO, ARE YOU READY TO GO UPSTAIRS

Papyrus: AND DO WHATEVER PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY DATE?

John: wait, that date stuff wasn't a joke?

John: but i'm not a homosexual!

Papyrus: THAT'S OK.

Papyrus: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS, ANYWAY!

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH!

Finally!

You's both go upstairs and do whatever it is pink sissy piss pants and skeleton fuckwads do when they's date.

This had better be good! They ain't paying me enough for this narration gig as it is.

Wait, Droog, what do you mean they ain't paying us at all, and we's lucky to even be featured here, since the Midnight Crew isn't in this fanfic?

Bullshit!

And for petes sake, Deuce, take that knife AWAY from Slick!

John: well...this certainly is a bedroom. can i leave?

Papyrus: NONSENSE!

Papyrus: WE ARE ONLY JUST GETTING STARTED!

Papyrus: OBSERVE MY BUCKET FULL OF BONES!

John: oh my god.

Papyrus: THOSE ARE ALL THE ATTACKS I WOULD HAVE USED ON YOU, HAD YOU NOT BRAVELY RESCUED OUR MAYOR!

John: i thought this fanfic was rated t.

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH.

John: wait

John: you have a computer?

John: i don't think i've ever seen one!

John: the condesce doesn't really like us contacting other settlements.

John: makes you wonder, you know? is mine the last one?

Papyrus: AWW...

Papyrus: WELL! FEEL FREE TO USE MINE ANY TIME!

Papyrus: I'M QUITE POPULAR ONLINE!

Papyrus: ALTHOUGH, A JEALOUS TROLL HAS RECENTLY BESIEGED MY ONLINE PERSONA.

Papyrus: THEY KEEP SENDING ME VIRUSES IN MULTICOLOURED CODE. AND EVERY TIME I FALL FOR THEM, IT PLAYS TERRIBLE MOVIES I CAN'T STOP UNTIL THEY'VE FINISHED!

Papyrus: I NOW KNOW ALL THE LYRICS TO A SONG CALLED 'ALL STAR'.

Papyrus: IT IS BECOMING A PROBLEM.

John: ow wow. i need to take notes.

John: there's not many choice pranking opportunities on the surface.

John: one time i filled all my lusus' hats with shaving cream.

John: he almost fucking blew a fuse.

John: it was priceless!

Papyrus: HMM...

Papyrus: IS THIS 'LUSUS' FELLOW A DIABOLICAL EVIL MASTERMIND?

John: yeah, sure.

John: if it's diabolical to spend so much time baking shitty cakes.

John: well, they're not that shitty. kind of delicious actually.

John: but the guy needs to learn when enough is enough.

Papyrus: OH!

Papyrus: A CHEF, IS HE?

Papyrus: ANOTHER GENIUS IN THE ART OF CULINARY PROWESS.

John: uh...

Papyrus: PERHAPS HE WILL BE THE ONE TO RIVAL THE GREAT PAPYRUS!

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH!

John: oh god.

Papyrus: I MUST PROVE MYSELF WORTHY!

John: can we just date?

Papyrus: OH, OF COURSE! YOU ARE MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME!

John: yes.

John: yes, you are completely right.

Papyrus: THEN I MUST NOT DISAPPOINT!

Papyrus: I WILL PREPARE FOR YOU

Papyrus: A PRESENT!

Papyrus absconds. Probably glad to be rid of your fucking chump ass. Anyone would think this was your first date.

Oh no, don't tell me.

It is?

Well, ain't that the saddest thing you ever heard.

Fuckin' pansy.

You snoop around a bit more. The guy's got a fucking race car bed. Maybe he's not a complete and total dork. Eh, maybe. He also dresses like a failed superhero.

It's a match made in fucking heaven.

Don't blow it, kid.

Papyrus returns and-

Oh HELL no, what is he wearing?

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH!

Papyrus: BEHOLD! I AM ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU, HUMAN!

Papyrus: YOU SEE, I ANTICIPATED THIS DATE MIGHT GO DOWN, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. SO I HAVE BEEN STUDYING!

John: studying?

Papyrus: YES!

Papyrus: YOU SEE, IN ORDER FOR A SUCCESSFUL DATE, YOU MUST WEAR THE APPROPRIATE CLOTHING.

Papyrus: YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD BEST ME, WITH THAT DASHING EYE WEAR. BUT YOU THOUGHT WRONG!

John: is...this still a date? Or is it a competition now?

Papyrus: CAN'T IT BE

Papyrus: BOTH?

John: ok, but technically i was wearing this dashing eye wear first. also you're dressed more for a game of basket ball than a date. so i think i won on the clothing front.

Papyrus: DRAT!

Papyrus: YOUR DATING POWER IS INTIMIDATING.

Papyrus: HOWEVER!

Papyrus: I STILL HOLD THE UPPER HAND!

Papyrus: FOR YOU SEE, I HAVE HIDDEN IN THIS OUTFIT, A PRESENT!

Papyrus: A PRESENT, JUST FOR YOU!

John: ...

John: is that tomato sauce running down your face?

Papyrus: WHAT?

Papyrus: WAIT!

Papyrus: CURSES!

Papyrus: OK. SO YOU MAY HAVE FOUND YOUR PRESENT

Papyrus: BUT, CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT IS?

John: hopy shit is that your brain?!

Papyrus: YES!

Papyrus: WAIT, NO!

Papyrus: IT IS SPAGHETTI!

Papyrus: BUT, NOT JUST ANY SPAGHETTI.

Papyrus: YOUR DIABOLICAL LUSUS MAY BE WELL LEARNED IN THE KITCHEN, BUT I GUARANTEE HE NEVER HAD A TEACHER LIKE MINE.

Papyrus: HE COULD NEVER HOPE TO DEFEAT THE GREAT PAPYRUS!

Papyrus: ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE WHY, WHEN IT COMES TO COOKING, I AM SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS!

Take a bite, runt?

It does look appetizing, when you stop imagining it as gross monster brains. You take a bite, and your face scrunches up automatic like. What an...interesting array of textures and flavours.

John: ...

John: wow...

John: that...

John: sure is some spaghetti...

Papyrus: WHAT A PASSIONATE EXPRESSION!

Papyrus: YOU MUST REALLY LOVE MY COOKING.

Papyrus: AND BY EXTENSION

Papyrus: ME!

John: uh...

Papyrus: OH.

Papyrus: OH NO.

John: ?

Papyrus: HUMAN, I...

Papyrus: I MAY HAVE LED YOU ON.

Papyrus: YOU SEE, WHEN YOU SAID I WAS COOL, I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

Papyrus: I THOUGHT IF WE DATED, I COULD LEARN TO RECIPROCATE.

Papyrus: BUT, I FAILED. I JUST DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU.

Papyrus: I AM SORRY.

Papyrus: HOW COULD I HURT MY NEW FRIEND IN SUCH A WAY?

Papyrus: NYOO HOO HOO!

Papyrus: IF YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME, I HOPE WE CAN REMAIN FRIENDS.

Papyrus: AND MAYBE, SOME DAY, I CAN HELP YOU SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST.

John: ...

Papyrus: AND HERE. I WILL GIVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER.

Papyrus: THAT WAY YOU CAN CALL ME IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING.

John: ...

Papyrus leads you back outside and leaves you feeling dumbfounded on the doorstep.

You and me both, kid.

That was it?!

Not even any Goddamn smooching.

John: ...

John: ...

John: ...

John: but, i'm not a homosexual.

 **End of date.**


	14. Chapter 14

**We're still not sure what level we're on because we can't keep our shit together.**

 **(Also our narrator agreed to stop being a jackass and returned.)**

Several months in the past.

Snowdrake dad: I don't think I was cut out to have children.

Snowdrake dad: I'm a terrible fathah.

Snowdrake dad: The kid's always hated me.

Snowdrake mum: Of course he doesn't hate you!

Snowdrake mum: You know how he is.

Snowdrake dad: ...

Snowdrake dad: Please. Don't leave us.

Snowdrake dad: I won't tell any more jokes.

Snowdrake mum: Hahah.

Snowdrake dad: Please!

Snowdrake mum: I love your jokes. Never stop.

Snowdrake mum: Hey! Don't cry.

Snowdrake dad: What am I supposed to tell him?

Snowdrake dad: He still needs you. **I** still need you.

Snowdrake mum: Tell him

Snowdrake mum: Sometimes people have to go away, but that doesn't mean they don't love you any more.

Snowdrake mum: Tell him, if I could stay, I would never, never never never leave him.

Snowdrake mum: Tell him...to be good.

Snowdrake mum: And tell him...I am so...so proud of him.

Snowdrake mum: The happiest day of my life...was the day he showed up on our doorstep.

Snowdrake dad: ...K...Ok...

Snowdrake mum: You're going...to do so well...

Snowdrake mum: Both of you...

Snowdrake mum: And one day...I'll see you both again...I'll hold you in my wings...

Snowdrake mum: And I'll tell you...how I watched over you every day...

Snowdrake mum: Every birthday...Every Santa day...Every milestone in his life, big, or small...

Snowdrake mum: And...how much...I missed you...

Snowdrake mum: ...How much...I wanted to see him grow up...

...

...

K̴̛̾̆ͤ̏̋̀҉̦̩͖̗̤͕a̻͚̖͈̙͊͒͋̄ͨ͒ͥ̊ͅr̛͖͉͍̿̑̉ͥ̓ͣͥ̆͢.̴̖̫ͣ̆̑̒̈́ͪ̿̀.͖̥͕̗̗͙͐͋̔͌ͨ̈́̎.̧̪͈̫̳̖̱̜͆̾͂͑͒ͪ̂̈́̕k̸̹̟͗̈ͯ͐͊̕͜ả̆ͨͨ̀͏͈̙̹͢t̸ͣ̊̆ͯ͐҉͈̟̖̩.̺̦̹͉̺̄͋̊ͣͦ̽̾ͣ̀͢͡.͛̅̚͝҉͎̘̯.͚͖̇

...

...

Back in the present. We catch up with John, standing on Sans and Papyrus's doorstep like a dumb shit. Goddamnit John.

You are not entirely sure where to go now. Perhaps back to the inn? You guess, by the time you are able to leave Snowdin and find your way back to the surface, your lusus will have completely filled your bedroom with cakes in anticipation of your return. That guy can be pretty dumb sometimes, but you guess you find him somewhat endearing.

Anyway, better move before-

Sans: oh, heya kiddo.

Sans: what are you doing standing around on doorsteps?

Sans: have you been hanging out with my brother?

John: um...yes.

Sans: heheh. isn't he cool?

John: he's

John: something.

John: when you talk to him, can you tell him i'm not gay.

Sans: hey, what's there to be not cheerful about?

Sans: other than the fact that you're trapped here for who knows how long.

John: er...

Sans: lighten up buddo. it doesn't take that much getting used to.

John: i guess.

John: and hey! i could be like

John: the guy who's going on all sorts of wacky adventures to get back to his family!

John: and then at the end, there will be this whole epic and emotional reunion. and everyone will cry and hug, and gifts will be given, and music will play, probably.

John: is there a way to get music to play?

Sans: ...sure.

Sans: listen, i was just heading to grillby's for my third lunch.

Sans: wanna join me?

John: eh. sure.

John: i could go for some food that isn't probably plastic spaghetti. or cake.

Sans: this way. i know a shortcut.

Sans promptly turns in the wrong direction, and you give him your best what the fuck expression. But you follow him anyway. Because why the hell not.

You blink, because it is something most creatures with eyes need to do on a regular basis. And also because it is relevant to the plot at this moment. And when you open your eyes...

John: holy shit.

Sans: i told you it was a short cut.

John: how the fuck?

The inebriated monsters greet you warmly. You are now their hero for saving the adorable little Mayor. What would they do without the Mayor? They wonder. Or they would wonder if they were even able to dream about anything terrible happening to him.

You sit down at the bar with Sans, and-

Ffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrttttttttt

Sans: careful.

Sans: sometimes weirdos like to put whoopee cushions on the seats.

John: half of me is kicking myself for not seeing that coming. but the other half is kinda impressed. as a fellow king of pranks, i tip my hat to you...er...if i had a hat.

John: i have a headband though.

John: i think it belonged to some human girl who writes in long, complicated sentences.

John: oh, talking of weird clothing accessories and people who talk a bunch, what's with your brother's um...getup.

John: why is he dressed like some kind of failed superhero/weird boxer guy with boots?

Sans: huh.

Sans: i have no idea.

Sans: you gotta admit though, his getup is pretty cool.

John: yeah, it does suit him.

Sans: hey grillby, double order of burgers.

Grillby: ...

Sans: the burgers here are to die for. i've been in here at least 30 times in the past two days.

John: how does a skeleton eat, exactly?

Sans: i would explain in great detail, but i just don't have the stomach for it.

John: wow.

You enjoy a calm, delicious meal, brought to you by the flaming hot bartender. I mean really. That guy is fucking smoking. His head is literally a flame. Damn.

This is nice. If this is the kind of thing the next month has in store for you, you don't think you'll mind very much.

Sans: good, huh?

Sans: listen, i was wondering if i could ask you something.

John: are you going to ask me to pay?

John: because i could probably give you like, half.

Sans: nah, i'll just get grillby to put it on my tab.

Sans: i was wondering

Sans: have you ever felt

Sans: like you're in the wrong timeline?

John: wrong...timeline?

John: what...?

Sans: heheh, don't sweat it kid.

Sans: i'm just playing with you.

John: ...

Sans: welp.

Sans: see you later.

John: what the fuck was that about?

Maybe you should follow him. You jump up from your seat at the bar, and hurry outside after the skeleton. But, he is nowhere to be seen.

How the fuck did he move so fast?

Goddamnit.

But, hey look, another familiar face. The troll you befriended seems to be just finishing up in helping the Mayor to restore his colourful box pile beneath the newly rebuilt tree.

He spots you, and as you expected, he is less than happy.

Karkat: HEY NOOKWHIFF! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?

John: oh hey, it's you!

John: you wouldn't believe all the shit i've just been through.

John: i think i may have accidentally confessed my love to one skeleton

John: and caused another to have an existential crisis, or something.

Karkat: FASCINATING.

Karkat: LET ME PRETEND LIKE I GIVE AN INFINITESIMAL FRAGMENT OF A SHIT FOR A SECOND.

Karkat: THERE. HOW WAS THAT?

John: that was beautiful.

Karkat: THANK YOU.

Karkat: WHY HAVEN'T YOU HAULED YOUR SOGGY ASS OUT OF HERE YET?

John: i decided to stay for your birthday.

Karkat: WHAT?

Karkat: WAIT

Karkat: REALLY?

John: hehe, no. i'm stuck here for like a month.

John: but, it's totally cool, because everyone here loves me now.

Karkat: OH.

Karkat: WHY ARE YOU STUCK HERE?

John: some kind of tem overflow, or some shit like that.

John: i dunno. do you have any idea what that means?

Karkat: HELL NO.

Karkat: I'VE NEVER LEFT SNOWDIN. SO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF FUCK SHIT IS OUT THERE.

John: really? never?

Karkat: NO.

John: huh...

John: so, do you know what the deal with those skeletons is, then?

Karkat: THEIR DEAL?

John: yeah, like why the younger one dresses...the way he does, and why the older one is mysterious as fuck?

Karkat: I USUALLY STAY THE FUCK OUT OF SANS'S WAY, BECAUSE LIKE FUCK I'M GOING TO SIT AND LISTEN TO PUN AFTER EXCRUCIATING PUN.

Karkat: AND THE TWO OF THEM MADE THAT COSTUME TOGETHER FOR A PARTY A FEW WEEKS BACK. AND PAPYRUS JUST WON'T STOP WEARING IT BECAUSE HE'S A DUMB FUCK.

Karkat: SO, THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THAT MATTER.

John: they made it together?

Karkat: YEAH. IS THERE AN ECHO HERE?

John: weird...

Karkat: WHATEVER.

Karkat: WHERE DO YOU EXPECT TO STAY FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH?

John: i dunno, that inn seems pretty cool.

Karkat: YEAH. FOR 80 GOLD PER NIGHT. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

John: um...well, i guess the skeletons aren't too bad. and they have a computer.

John: i wonder if they have any games, that aren't like, crappy bootleg ghostbusters simulations.

John: does everyone down here have a computer?

Karkat: NO.

Karkat: I DON'T.

John: really?

John: i thought it would be fitting for a troll to have one.

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

John: you know, because you're a troll?

Karkat: WOW

Karkat: YEAH. GO AHEAD AND INSULT THE GUY WHO WAS CONSIDERING LETTING YOU STAY AT HIS HOUSE.

John: you were?

Karkat: NICE GOING, GENIUS.

Karkat: HOW DOES IT FEEL HAVING AN IGNORANCE GLAND SO ENORMOUS YOU COULD FIT AN ENTIRE VILLAGE UP IN THERE, AND STILL HAVE ROOM TO BUILD YOURSELF A FIVE STAR FUCKING WATER PARK?

Karkat: THE ENDLESS FOUNTAIN OF BILE SPEWING FROM YOUR MOUTH WILL SET THE STAGE AS THE WORLD'S LONGEST, MOST BULLSHIT CONTAMINATED WATER SLIDE, ENTERTAINING THE LITTLE FUCKERS FOR HOURS, UPON ENDLESS HOURS OF MADDENING, ANEURYSM INDUCING STUPIDITY.

Karkat: THAT IS, UNTIL THEY CONDEMN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING FOR ITS HIDEOUS STENCH.

Karkat: YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

John: woah

John: wait, do they have water parks down here? :D

Karkat: ADLSF;GHDS

Karkat: HOW

Karkat: IN THE LIVING FUCK

Karkat: SHOULD I KNOW?

John: alright, sheesh!

John: don't you ever even _talk_ to anyone about what's out beyond snowdin?

Karkat: NOT REALLY.

John: do you maybe want to come with me and see?

John: in like a month or whenever the hell i can leave.

Karkat: FUCK NO.

John: come on! it could be fun.

John: you can always come back here, right?

John: and besides, you would love the surface.

John: there's a hell ton of tro-

John: um...people like you.

Karkat: OH.

Karkat: SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS

Karkat: THE SURFACE IS FULL OF ASSHOLES?

Karkat: NICE SELL.

Karkat: NO THANKS.

John: i mean, yes

John: there are a lot of assholes.

John: but not everyone.

John: and, for what it's worth, i don't think you're an asshole.

Karkat: HOW CAN YOU HAVE TALKED TO ME, AND NOT THINK I'M AN ASSHOLE?

Karkat: I AM PRACTICALLY THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE THERE IS!

John: haha

John: nope.

John: you're pretty cool, actually.

John: er...in a no homo kind of way.

John: please don't drag me off on a date and show me your bucket of bones.

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

John: never mind.

Karkat: ...

Karkat: I CAN NOT BELIEVE I AM SUGGESTING THIS

Karkat: BUT, YOU PROBABLY NEED SOME PLACE TO STAY, AND THOSE SKELETONS CAN DRIVE JUST ABOUT ANYONE BATSHIT INSANE AFTER A WHILE.

Karkat: EVEN THE MOST HAPPY-GO-LUCKY OBLIVIOUS DIPSHIT.

Karkat: SO

Karkat: SO, YOU CAN COME TO MY HOUSE.

Karkat: JUST

Karkat: DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING, OR RUMMAGE AROUND, OR LIKE, LOOK AT EVERY LITTLE THING AND WAIT FOR COMMENTARY ON IT, OK?

John: ok!

John: fuck yes! i've never had a sleepover before!

Karkat: THIS ISN'T A SLEEPOVER, YOU FUCK.

Karkat: IT IS A MUTUAL ARRANGEMENT OF LIVING ACCOMMODATION, UNTIL SUCH A TIME WHEN YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND BE OUT OF MY HAIR FOREVER. GOT IT?

John: aka: a sleepover!

John: hehehehehe!

Karkat: UUUUUGHHHH!

You follow Karkat up a path you noticed earlier, but ignored. To your right, you notice a big strong wolf monster throwing huge ass ice cubes into the river. You wonder whether that is as close to a water park as you're going to get down here. You also wonder where the ice is going. You would ask Karkat, but he is already pissed off, and he did warn you about asking for commentary on everything.

You head left, past a home outside which a small family of rocks play merrily, and down a small, narrow path. There aren't many homes in Snowdin, but the ones there all have a warm, inviting air to them, even in the freezing snow.

Each house emits golden light from within, and the quiet chatter of families fills you with a sense of being welcomed. This is nice.

You wonder what kind of lusus Karkat has. You had better be on your best behaviour when introducing yourself to them.

There is a sign above the front door.

John – Read sign.

[Snowdrake residence. It's so **ice** to meet you.]

Wow. Just.

Wow.

You wonder whether it's too late to go back to the skeletons.

Karkat: SHE LIKED PUNS.

The house is cozy, yet silent. Perhaps his lusus is out; probably buying cake mix. That's what lusi do, right?

Many things catch your eye, and if this was a video game where you could rummage and explore at leisure, without pissing off your host, then you would be all over that shit. Unfortunately for you, this is merely a crappy fanfiction based on a game.

You do, however, stop when you see a photograph atop an adorable little bookcase. The photo depicts two bird monsters, holding a small, recently pupated troll. You assume the troll is Karkat, even if it is a bit less grumpy looking.

John: are they both your lusus?

John: you got two?

John: you lucky bastard.

Karkat: HEY! PUT THAT THE FUCK BACK DOWN!

John: oh man. have you ever tried re-enacting the final scene from con air?

John: you just need a bunny.

John: there is a cute little bunny in town, actually, but i'm not sure if you can do the scene with an alive bunny.

Karkat: I'M SERIOUS, PUT IT BACK!

John: whoops.

John: sorry. it's just, i can't imagine what it must be like to have two.

John: is that still the 'norm' down here?

Karkat: I DON'T KNOW. PUT IT DOWN!

Karkat: THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHIT I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO DO!

John: alright, fiiiiiiiine.

John: see, it's down.

John: so, how were they chosen?

Karkat: CHOSEN?

John: yeah, to raise you and stuff.

John: it's a weird system on the surface. when a human reaches adulthood...if they reach adulthood, they are assigned either to breeding, or raising the young, so you'd be really lucky to get someone even related to you.

John: i think my lusus is like

John: my half brother, or something? so that's pretty cool, i guess.

John: but we never get two.

John: the condesce doesn't want any 'unauthorized' breeding going on.

John: and i guess she wants to make it hard for us to trace our ancestry as well?

John: my lusus and i don't talk about it much, but i don't think he knows which person we share genes from, only that it was the female.

John: so, i guess when you came here, they assigned those bird monsters to you?

Karkat: THEY WEREN'T 'CHOSEN', OR 'ASSIGNED' TO DO ANYTHING.

Karkat: THAT SHIT IS SO FUCKED UP. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE SURFACE?

Karkat: THE SNOWDRAKES CHOSE ME.

Karkat: THEY ADOPTED ME INTO THEIR FAMILY. NO OBLIGATIONS ATTACHED.

Karkat: AND I'M STAYING HERE UNTIL DAVE GETS HIS SLOW ASS THROUGH THAT DOOR.

John: this again.

Karkat: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

John: is he actually coming, dude?

Karkat: YEAH

Karkat: HE SAID HE WOULD.

Karkat: THEN WE'LL GO EXPLORING THE REST OF THIS CAVERN TOGETHER.

Karkat: AND GO FIND HIS BRO.

John: his bro?

Karkat: YEAH. HE WAS TRYING TO FIND HIM.

John: huh.

Karkat: WHAT?

John: i just

John: got the idea that dave was human.

Karkat: YOUR IGNORANCE LEVELS NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME, HUMAN.

Karkat: SOMEONE SHOULD GET YOU A FUCKING MEDAL.

John: sheesh.

John: my mistake, i guess.

John: i mean, i could never imagine calling my lusus 'bro'.

John: but then, if his lusus disappeared, he'd probably be culled.

John: some kids do have to share a lusus, though.

John: like, if the supply is low, or some shit like that.

John: hey! that reminds me of my dream.

Karkat: YOUR DREAM?

John: yeah. last night at the inn.

John: i had a dream about this guy i called my 'cousin'.

John: hehe, i remember thinking

John: he had the weirdest accent.

John: he was telling me how like

John: his best friend disappeared one day on mount ebott.

John: huh, i guess it's because the mountain was on my mind?

John: on account of me falling into it like a dumb shit.

Karkat: HOW INTERESTING.

John: i know you're being sarcastic, but yes. yes it was.

John: anyway, about dave.

John: i don't think he's coming, man.

Karkat: WHY?

John: because...

John: it's been so long, hasn't it?

Karkat: SO?

John: isn't the most likely reason he hasn't come through yet

John: that he...

Karkat: ?

John: you know...

You just can't bring yourself to say it. Somehow, deep down, you know he knows the truth. Saying it out loud would just upset him unnecessarily. Poor little guy.

Your words falter and die in your throat, and you rest your elbow awkwardly against the bookcase behind you.

Wait, John! That's the bookcase where-

 **SMASH!**

GodDAMNIT John!

The photograph falls to the floor, and the glass in the frame shatters. We are all stunned by this completely unpredictable turn of events.

Karkat dives to salvage the picture from the mess of broken glass.

Karkat: YOU GODDAMN CLUTZ!

Karkat: OK. GOOD. THE PICTURE ISN'T DAMAGED, AT LEAST.

Karkat: SO, I GUESS NO HARM DO-

Karkat: OW! FUCK!

Karkat: ...FUCK!

Karkat: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK!

John: erm...

Karkat: SHIT SHIT SHIT!

John: are

John: you ok?

John: i am so sorry about the picture.

Karkat: JUST-

Karkat: FUCK!

John: did you cut yourself?

Karkat: NO!

John: let me see.

Karkat: NO! FUCK YOU!

John: don't be embarrassed, dude, it happens.

John: you have no idea how many times i injured myself playing on the pogo ride outside my house.

John: i am sure it is some kind of death trap.

John: wait...

John: are you _scared?_

John: hey...come on...

Karkat: ...

Karkat: GET LOST!

John: no way!

John: why are you scared?

Karkat: ...DO YOU KNOW WHAT MONSTERS ARE MADE OF?

John: um...fluff, mostly?

John: unless they're a skeleton.

John: or a fire guy.

John: or a jackass flower.

John: or a frog.

John: or whatever the fuck moldsmols are made of.

John: like, are they made of jelly, or?

Karkat: MAGIC.

Karkat: WHICH MEANS, THEY DON'T LEAK FUCKING LIQUID WHEN THEY'RE HURT.

John: oh

John: they don't bleed?

John: well, that's odd.

John: bleeding is the thing that's supposed to happen, numbnuts. hehe.

John: you're worried you're some kind of mutant freak because you've never seen someone bleed before, is that it?

Karkat: ...

John: here look.

John: i'll show you, it's completely normal.

John: let me just...bite my finger here...

John: ow. ok. this looked a lot easier in the animes...

John: ow, fuck!

John: just...goddamnit! ow!

Karkat: WHAT THE FLAMING LUMPSQUIRT ARE YOU DOING?

John: trying to...crap. i almost had it!

John: i bet all the tension from the scene is gone now.

John: this was going to be like, some epic reveal shit right here.

John: all like, check it out! i bleed too you dummy!

John: because that's what everyone does on the surface.

John: fuck it, is that glass clean-ish?

John: don't try this at home folks.

John: ok...here. look.

Karkat: ...

John: well, say something. i lost like an eighth of a half of a HP for this shit.

It would appear that, for quite possibly the second time in his life, the troll is completely speechless.

I mean, imagine thinking your whole life that you were some kind of mutant. Lol, what a misunderstanding!

Well, we're certainly glad this whole kerfuffle has been resolved tidily. Forever. With no further twists or turns. No more dramatic reveals. No more 'oh snap!'s, or 'daaaaaaaaamn!'s, or 'holy fucking shit!'s.

No sir. This matter is solved once and for all!

John: will you let me see how bad it is now?

John: also, don't worry that it's a different colour, believe me, that's normal too-

Karkat: NO

Karkat: IT'S THE SAME. LOOK.

You gaze upon the small bead of blood, quivering slightly on the trolls shaking finger.

That bright, tiny, candy red orb.

You back up involuntarily.

John: _holy_

John: **fucking**

John: _**shit!**_


	15. Chapter 15

**Hometale, part 2.**

Holy fucking shit!

Let's...er...travel one day into the past to see how Frisk is doing, shall we? This little guy always has a certain Air of Hope about them.

Usually.

It looks like our little hero has found themselves in a bit of a predicament. They are backed up against the wall in the entrance way to a quaint little cottage, a hint of worry on their usually stoic face as they stare warily at a little, candy red grub.

Kankri: squeak!

Kankri: squeak! squeak! n9, n9, n9, n9, n9, n9, n9!

Kankri: squeak! squeak! squeak! O:B

Frisk: ...

You look to Kanaya for assistance. She smiles back at you apologetically.

Another, taller, more...well endowed troll appears behind the grub and scoops him up into her arms. This troll appears to have reached adulthood, and you can make out the jade green tint to her irises. Kanaya isn't too far behind, but hers are still mostly grey.

Porrim: Kanny dear, is that any way to+ treat guests?

Kankri: n9, n9, n9!

Porrim: Mind yo+ur manners, then.

Porrim: Hello+ little o+ne.

Porrim: Kanaya, who+ is this darling little thing?

Kanaya: Well You See

Kanaya: Things Got A Little Complicated When I Was Taking Care Of The Guard-

Frisk: ...

Frisk: Boobs...

Frisk: -_-

You nod in approval at the troll's assets. Impressive rack right there. Hot damn!

Porrim: ...

Porrim: Well, aren't yo+u the little charmer.

Kankri: squeak!

Porrim: Kanny, shush! Yo+u are scaring them.

Kanaya: The Most You Have To Fear From Him Is That He Wont Stop Squeaking

Kankri: n9, n9, n9!

Kanaya: And He Recently Added 'No' To His Vocabulary

Frisk: ...

No matter what the two older trolls say, you can't help feeling a little nervous. This grub is so illegal. If you were ever caught even close to the proximity of one of his blood caste, you would be executed on sight. Just what have you gotten yourself in for here?

Aranea: Oh!

Aranea: Hello!

Aranea: Kanaya, you 8rought home a guest? ::::)

Kanaya: (This One Squeaks More Than The Other One)

Kanaya: (And She Knows Many More Words)

Kanaya: (I Probably Should Have Warned You)

You watch as the young, talkative troll approaches, followed by a couple of other wrigglers. This place must be some kind of troll orphanage.

Aranea: Kanaaaaaaaaya, that was rude!

Aranea: Greetings. I'm Aranea. I'm 8!

Aranea: How old are you?

You hold up all of your fingers in response.

Aranea: Wow, 10? Does that mean you're going to stay here with us?

Aranea: Oh! I hope so!

Aranea: Not that I hope you're a lusus-less orphan, of course. That would 8e rude of me!

Aranea: 8ut it is always nice to see new faces. And the Jade8loods have never adopted a human 8efore!

Aranea: Is it true humans all have the same, mutant red 8lood colour?

Frisk: -_-

Aranea: Fascin8ing!

Aranea: I'm a 8lue 8lood! Not quite royalty, 8ut quite high on the hemospectrum, if I may 8rag just a little. Hahahaha!

Aranea: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm ram8ling, aren't I?

Aranea: I don't even know your name.

Aranea: Frisk? Hahahaha, that's nice!

Aranea: Do you want a flower crown, Frisk? We've 8een in the garden making them all morning. You can have Damara's.

Aranea: Here!

Aranea: Awwwwwwww, it suits them, doesn't it Damara?

Damara: くたばれ!

Aranea: Language, Damara!

Damara: くそくらえ!

Aranea: *S8GH!*

Aranea: This is Damara. She's 6, and has a 8it of a potty mouth.

You give Damara a small smile. She responds with a look of pure hatred.

The flower crown on your head bursts into flames.

...

Somehow, half an hour later, you find yourself surrounded by young trolls, while the two Jadebloods disappear to prepare snacks.

The illegal, candy red blood is presently being harassed by a giggling, teal grub, while a small, royal blue grub drinks milk in the corner. These things are kind of cute, when you get over the initial fear of what will happen if a member of the Condesce's high blood guard barges their way in here. You hope that doesn't happen.

Damara seems to have found a little yellow grub, and is currently covering his tiny face with paint. You wonder whether she should be stopped...

To your left, two troll toddlers are communicating via sign language. Hm...What are they talking about, you wonder?

Before you can go investigate, Aranea waddles back into the play room, carrying a pile of old manga.

Aranea: Would you like to hear some stories?

Aranea: I found these in Kanaya's room. She's aaaaaaaalways reading them, so they must 8e good!

Aranea: They're all a8out human romance, and they even have pictures!

Aranea: Don't you just find the romance of other species fascin8ing?

Frisk: ...

Aranea: Of course, these are humans, so it pro8a8ly isn't news to you.

Aranea: 8ut, I'll read some out anyway! ::::)

The young troll opens the first book, and your eyes actually open. I didn't even know they could do that. They widen in disbelief at the illustrations within.

Aranea: *Ahem!*

Aranea: Oh Senpai!

Aranea: Senpai, I'm yours forever! Kiss me, Senpai!

[Notice: Unfortunately, this fanfiction is rated T, so we had to cut this scene. We did have a very shitty, low budget re-enactment of the scene on hand, which involved a very voluptuous squash, and a carton of milk, but a little white dog managed to steal the tape. So here's a picture of some fine, robot ass instead: [ ][ ] Hot.]

Eventually, Kanaya and Porrim return to rescue you from this...fine literature.

Kanaya: We Were Not Sure What Humans Like To Eat So Porrim suggested Cooking A Little Of Everything

Kanaya: I Informed Her That Was Probably A Tad Excessive And A Federal Fucking Waste Of Time So We Settled On Cookies

Kanaya: You Cant Usually Go Wrong With Little Discs Of Diabetes

Frisk: ...

Kanaya: We Will Hold Off On Any Recipes Involving Grub Sauce For Today

Kanaya: We Want You To Enjoy Living Here

Frisk: ...

Kanaya: Is Something The Matter

Frisk: ...

Kanaya: Would You Have Preferred Grub Sauce

Porrim: I to+ld yo+u they might like a variety.

Porrim: Yo+u do+n't just want bland o+ld co+o+kies, do+ yo+u, ho+ney?

Porrim: Who+ can settle fo+r just o+ne thing?

Frisk: ...

Aranea: I think the human is 8roken. ::::)

Aranea: They've just 8een sat like that ever since I read to them.

Porrim: What o+n Earth did yo+u read to+ them?

Aranea: Human romance 8ooks I found in Kanaya's room.

Kanaya: Oh Shit

Porrim: Ahahahahahahahaha!

Kanaya: Aranea What Did We Say About Snooping

Porrim: O+o+h. Hey, can I bo+rro+w these?

Porrim: Fo+r...research purpo+ses?

Kanaya: Sure

Kanaya: Enjoy

Porrim: O+h, that female human has a nice ass!

Porrim: Nice tits, to+o+...

Kanaya slams the door behind her sister as she leaves to go read smut.

After a few cookies, you are finally able to alleviate some of the trauma you just endured, and you recover just enough to inquire about some of the questionable decor in the room. There are many small, smiling face prints all over the walls, in varying colours of paint.

Kanaya: It

Kanaya: Became Bothersome To Constantly Paint Over Them

Frisk: -_-

You point towards the face prints higher up.

Kanaya: Damara Can Throw Mituna Pretty High

Frisk: ...

You look at the little yellow grub, still clutched in Damara's grasp. Well...At least he seems happy? You think? Poor little thing.

The teal grub has ceased bothering Kankri, and is now watching Damara torment Mituna, hissing quietly. She doesn't seem to approve.

Just beyond the wriggler shenanigans, something else catches your eye. Is that...Is that a face fucking INDENTED into the wall? Just like the grub, this face is smiling too. Somehow.

Kanaya: That Is Why We No Longer Keep Electric Wheelchairs In The House

Kanaya: Or Allow The Blind Girl To Operate The Manual One We Do Have

There is a story behind this, and you feel a mighty need to know. It's probably not your place to ask, though, and you'll probably find out eventually, anyway.

You aren't entirely sure how much time has passed, but you can't help feeling this is nice. It has been such a long time since you were last able to relax. No obligations, no strife, no repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

You wish you could stay here, but who else could possibly do the things you have promised yourself, and countless others you would do? Maybe...Maybe it was wrong to come here in the first place.

The candy red grub crawls up onto Kanaya's lap, squeaking impatiently for attention. You watch him with a slight smile.

Kankri: squeak! squeak!

Kanaya: Dont Look At Me Like That I Know You Just Want Another Cookie

Kankri: n9, n9, n9!

Kanaya: Fine

Kankri: squeak!

Kanaya: He Really Is A Good Little Grub

Kanaya: Sometimes The Responsibility Of Keeping Him Safe Can Get A Little Overwhelming

Kanaya: But I am Glad We Were Given The Chance

Frisk: ...

You reach forward slowly, and stroke the little grub's fluffy black hair. His horns are so small and nubby. Awww...

Kankri: *yawn*

Kanaya: ...

You look up from the grub curiously, and see that Kanaya's expression has turned sad. She seems to be remembering something painful.

Frisk – Cheer Kanaya.

You climb up onto the couch beside Kanaya and the grub, and rest your tired head against the Jadeblood's shoulder.

Kankri stirs from his tired stupor, and crawls from Kanaya's lap, to yours. There is something interesting in your pocket, and he is an adventurous little grub, damn it!

He pulls out...a phone?

Hang on, aren't you forbidden from owning this kind of communication device? What gives?

Well, that's what you thought too, before you found it conveniently in your path this morning. It's odd...You never found a phone before.

Kanaya looks just as puzzled as she rescues the device from the gnawing fangs of the candy red grub, and turns it over in her hands. The phone is green, and has white buttons and a rounded screen. Huh, is this what Nokia 3410's looked like? God this thing is ancient. But, despite its age, there is no damage. It looks as though it is in perfect condition.

The only issue is, it is completely switched off.

Frisk – Try switching the phone on.

You fail to switch on the phone, as you have fallen fast asleep.

Frisk - Be Kanaya.

You be Kanaya, and press each of the buttons in turn. Nothing happens. You never were any good with technology.

Hm...Perhaps it is just a toy?

You should probably put it back in Frisk's pocket. After all, it isn't polite to snoop; you said so yourself. But, something about this phone intrigues you.

Against your better judgement, and **all your morals** , you slip the phone into your own pocket, before covering Frisk with a blanket. Kankri jumps onto your shoulder, squeaking at you in his best lecturing tone as you leave the room.

 **End of Hometale part 2.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hometale, part 3.**

[o] [Allow me to take over the narrative for a short while. I trust you won't mind if I speak in white-

Oh. There appears to be a slight malfunction.

Ah, I see. There is no option here to use my preferred writing quirk. I figured that out instantly, because I am a very intelligent, omniscient being, and a very handsome one at that.

No matter. I am nothing if not civil and capable of adjusting to change. Even if the change is a huge _FUCKING INCONVENIENCE-_

I mean. Let us proceed.

I will be your charming host, while I take time out of my busy schedule to tell you the story of how our young hero Frisk lost everything.

That was a joke, by the way. My schedule is busy, of course, because I am very important, and have a lot to attend to, but this little diversion will take me little more than a few seconds to complete.]

[o] [Once there was a child named Frisk. An adventurous young child, who one day, decided to climb Mount Ebott. Why? The reason will probably always remain a mystery, since the mountain is notorious for eating travelers alive. But, anything that even I, the omniscient do not know, must be trivial and unimportant.

Frisk climbed the mountain, and inevitably fell down, all the way into a deep cavern, where they went an all sorts of wacky adventures, and made all sorts of wacky friends. They rescued all of the monsters, with the power of their Determination, and their refusal to harm a single soul.

But, they were not satisfied. To them, a true victory could not be claimed until they found a way to save every single friend. If one is left behind, how could they possibly be truly happy?

Frisk, being a special child, inherited one more power. The power to RESET the timeline. And so they did, again, and again, Determined to find a happy ending for everyone. But, like most children, who lack the knowledge and wisdom I possess, Frisk failed to realize that their actions had consequences. The power to RESET comes at a price. You are effectively resetting the lives and memories of others, after all. And you can not guarantee everything will work out the same way.

It started small. Huh...Weren't there tables of cheese everywhere? Wasn't a little mouse supposed to pluck up the courage and eat it, by the end of your journey? That puzzle seems a little different, doesn't it?

Then, the real issues began. Where is Goner Kid? Weren't there more monsters in this area before? That clam monster's neighbour's daughter, who you befriended once upon a timeline...Where is she now? Where is the clam monster?

Frisk learned the hard way, as all foolish children do, that you can't just mess with reality and expect everything to turn out the way you want. The world's FUN Value became corrupted beyond repair, and Frisk was at a loss what to do.

There was...one other thing they had not tried. Frisk had befriended two skeleton brothers; scientists by trade. The older brother had built a machine which could reset the world back to its default settings. A HARD RESET, if you will. This would have a far more devastating effect than the TRUE RESETS our little hero was used to. It would reset the conditions both below ground, and above ground, from the very beginning of time. But with one glimmer of a bright side. It would, in theory, reset the world with the most favourable conditions for success.

This time, Frisk awoke a year too early, biding their time in a new reality, until the day they could climb the mountain once again. It was much harder than they had anticipated. The last thing they expected was for their new reality to leave humanity hanging by a thread, overthrown by an alien empress with fuchsia blood running through her veins. ) ( er Imperious Condescension changed everything.

When the day finally came to climb the mountain again and fix everything, Frisk was ready, and Determined to succeed. However, the 13th of April, 2120 just so happened to be the 13th birthday of another young human, who climbed the mountain with his lusus to partake in the consumption of cake.

Not only did this boy unknowingly take away Frisk's chance to jump down into the underground, but when Frisk tried to RESET, they found themselves unable. This boy had taken that power, as well.

Perhaps this was a sign. Perhaps, this boy was supposed to rescue everyone this time. Maybe he would succeed where Frisk had failed, and finally be able to save everyone.

Indeed, if only that were true.

It is a curious thing, to witness the flow of candy red blood. In some, it triggers a desire to protect, like with the case of Dave all those years ago. In others, it triggers fear, as Frisk experienced for themselves.

In others it triggers an instinct to give in to the murderous desires in ones heart.

There would be no salvation in this timeline. And there was nothing Frisk could do about it.]

...

?: _Frisk._

?: _Hey Frisk!_

?: _They're all going to die! Hahaha!_

?: _All your friends are going to die. And it's_

?: _All_

?: _Your_

?: _Fault!_

?: _It's so cute! You really thought you were the one in control?_

?: _You can't **SAVE** anyone!_

?: _Not one person._

?: _It's out of your hands now, forever._

?: _..._

?: _I hope you have sweet dreams, Frisk._

?: _While you can._ (｡ʘ ‿ ʘ｡)

...

You awake with a jolt, torn suddenly from dreams you can hardly remember. The playroom is dark and empty, and you assume the wrigglers were taken to their recuperacoons some time ago. Some trolls are making a racket in a room close by, but you are far too curious to be pissed off.

Light slithers into the room from an ajar door down the corridor, and you shuffle down from the couch and make your way silently towards it.

You see four trolls sat around the kitchen table; Porrim, Kanaya, a younger troll with red glasses and a wicked grin, and a troll in a wheelchair who looks to be aged somewhere between Kanaya and Porrim. His irises have visibly begun to turn brown. Also, his horns are fucking huge. Goddamn. How does he fit through doors? Or put on a T shirt?

Kanaya: And No Matter What I do It Wont Switch On

Kanaya: It Is Becoming Frustrating

Porrim: Maybe yo+u sho+uld ask the kid when they wake up.

Porrim: I'd like to+ kno+w ho+w the little darling go+t ho+ld o+f it in the first place.

Porrim: If we can get it wo+rking tho+ugh...

Kanaya: It Could Be Of Great Use To Us

Tavros: hAVE YOU TRIED TAKING THE BATTERY OUT,

Terezi: H4V3 YOU TR13D L1CK1NG 1T? [:K

Kanaya: How Would That Help

Terezi: 1 W4NT TO KNOW WH4T 1T T4ST3S L1K3.

Terezi: 1T SM3LLS OLD, 4ND SOM3HOW SMUG

Terezi: L1K3 4 GROSS, W31RD OLD UNCL3. ]:K

Kanaya: ...

Kanaya: Ok

Kanaya: As For Removing The Battery The Back Is Sealed Shut

Porrim: Let me take a crack at it.

Kanaya: Put That Hammer Down

Kanaya: Maybe We Should Leave It For Tonight

Porrim: Yeah. I can't have yo+u wrigglers up all night, and cranky in the mo+rning.

Terezi: WR1GGL3RS?

Tavros: hEY, i'M ALMOST A MAN NOW COMPLETELY,

Tavros: rUFIOH EVEN SAID SO,

Terezi: Y34H. 4ND 1'M PR4CT1C4LLY FOURT33N.

Tavros: tHAT, sTILL MAKES YOU A WRIGGLER,

Terezi: ]:K

Porrim: Alright. To+ bed. All three o+f yo+u.

Kanaya: Doesnt My Level Of Maturity Outrank Theirs

Kanaya: Thereby Granting Me At Least Another Hour

Porrim: Do+n't push it.

Kanaya: Well Shit

Kanaya: It Was Worth A Try

Horuss: (ಠ益ಠ) Squeak!

Porrim: Aww, yo+u wo+ke Ho+russ.

Porrim: What's the matter, baby?

The trolls go silent for a moment, and you watch as the small royal blue grub crawls over the table, and onto the phone. He sniffs at the screen curiously, before stepping on the buttons, squeaking in contentment.

The phone's screen springs to life.

Terezi: ...

Terezi: D1D H3 JUST FUCK1NG ST3P ON TH3 PHON3 4ND F1X 1T?

Porrim: Clever bo+y.

Porrim: It seems to+ be picking up so+me signals.

Kanaya: All The Way Up Here

Kanaya: Arent We The Only House For Miles

Tavros: dO YOU THINK THEY SENT THE GUARDS UP HERE AGAIN?

Tavros: uHHH, tHEY WON'T BE ABLE TO TRACK THIS HERE, wILL THEY,,,

Terezi: L3T TH3M TRY.

Terezi: 1'LL FUCK TH3M UP TH1S T1M3! 1 OW3 TH3M MY GR4T1TUD3.

Terezi: H3H3H3H3!

Kanaya: No You Wont

Kanaya: Is The Signal Even Actually Eligible

Porrim: ...No+.

Terezi: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 TH3Y'R3 D1STR3SS3D.

Terezi: L1K3 4N 4G3NT OF JUST1C3 1S MURD3R1NG TH3M BRUT4LLY. [:K

Terezi: 1 C4N SM3LL ROY4L DUNK4SS 4FT3R ROY4L DUNK4SS 4LL P1SS1NG TH31R P4NTS. 1T'S B34UT1FUL.

Terezi: YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW GOOD TH1S SM3LLS...

Terezi: W41T...

Terezi: 1 DON'T TH1NK TH3Y'R3 4LL ROY4LS.

Terezi: 1 N33D 4 CLOS3R LOOK.

Terezi: L3T M3 L1CK 1T!

Porrim: No+. We just go+t it wo+rking-

You have heard enough. You feel a sinking sensation as you abscond from the cute little cottage. Something is very, very wrong.

You wish you could have said goodbye, and thank you to the trolls. But they would have just stopped you. You need to get back to the top of the mountain, and fast.

Unfortunately, you only have one fucking walk speed.

It is so dark, and you are frightfully aware that every rustle of a branch, or shake of a bush could be a potential threat. But you stay Determined. You keep going, even as it begins to rain. Even as nettles sting at your legs, and low branches whip at your face and tear at your striped sweater. Even as you slip and slide over soaking wet rocks, clinging desperately to them with your small hands.

You lose the light of the moon behind thick, unforgiving clouds. But still, you keep going. You are Determined to make it in time.

Daylight breaks, the rain stops, and you shiver as the top of the mountain finally comes into view. You're almost there. Everything is going to be ok now...

Please let everything be ok.

Your clothes are soaked through, your face and hands are scratched to hell, and your HP is down to half, but you made it back to the hole. You take a short moment to catch your breath, then jump.

Ominous silence greets you as you land on the bed of golden flowers. You bypass the arrow command, and use your own legs, and your own brain to move into the next chamber. You never really paid much attention to the commands, anyway.

There is no one to greet you.

You continue through the arch way, and into the Ruins, making your way in complete silence. The little yellow things appear to have completely vanished. You guess...you have lost any way to restore your health at this point. Some jackass has fucked off with all the Monster Candy.

The Ruins are completely deserted. Not even one little Froggit stops you for a FIGHT. There are, however, little piles of dust scattered about...

Dust? No. Of course it isn't dust! It's probably just talcum powder...

Please just be talcum powder. Please just be talcum powder. Please just be talcum powder!

You urge your one walk speed to go faster as you approach the adorable little garden with the leafless tree. The lights are on inside Toriel's house!

You throw open the door and search through every room for your beloved guardian. The spare bed has been slept in recently, but whoever slept there absconded way before you arrived.

The empty house is still full of the aroma of newly baked butterscotch-cinnamon pie.

?: _Frisk, check the mirror._

Leave them alone! They are trying to find their friends. They don't need to be reminded that they look like shit right now!

?: _Frisk!_

?: _Frisk!_

?: _Check the mirror._

?: _Ignore the grumpy old narrator._

Oh, fuck you!

No, Frisk, don't do it. They're just trying to distract you!

Goddamnit!

You make your way up the empty corridor and gaze into the mirror.

It's you.

Despite everything, it's still you, and it always has been. You have always done your best to protect everyone. And RESET powers or no RESET powers, you are Determined to fix things now. You don't need little glowing yellow things to tell you how Determined you are.

Now go. Your friends need you.

?: _Stupid narrator. They can't do anything if they can't **RESET**. _

?: _What good is Determination if you can't do nothing about anything?_

You hurry to the end of the Ruins, ignoring as best as you can, the pile of dust awaiting you at the end of the corridor. It will be ok. Everything will be ok.

?: _So delusional._

You throw open the door and stumble out into the cold, underground forest, your breath preceding you in clouds. All is silent, but you keep going.

Ignore the dust. Ignore all of it.

You come to a halt, your stomach jolting sickeningly...That's not dust, or talcum powder. The snow here is painted candy red.

Keep going!

You have to stop this thing. You make your way through the underground, passing through with no resistance from puzzles, or battles. Still, it is much more difficult to proceed than usual. You avert your eyes from the dust, and different shades of troll blood.

?: _It's too late._

Shut up!

?: _They're all dead._

?: _He killed them all._

?: _And now, we'll erase this timeline together._

?: _This world that should never even have been._

?: _This is what happens, Frisk._

?: _This is what happens when you play with the power to **RESET**._

You come to The End, and you see him. That boy who should never have fallen down. He is covered in dust, and blood, and holding his guns at the ready as he faces an opponent you can not see.

You're...too late. This timeline is already beginning to fall apart.

Frisk – Regain control of the timeline, and set everything right!

You step forward and activate the STRIFE menu.

The other human turns to face you, his expression unreadable.

Frisk: HP 10/20 LV 1 EXP 0

J E: HP 99/99 LV 20 EXP 99999

Frisk – Select ACT.

Despite everything this boy has done, you still will not FIGHT. You will find a way to SPARE him.

There aren't many options here. You can TALK or PLEAD with him. You go with PLEAD for now.

Your eyes brim with tears as you ask him to stop.

His eyes flicker in confusion at your refusal to FIGHT. He seems to have forgotten that the ACT and MERCY options still exist.

He automatically selects FIGHT and your tears blur your vision as he raises his guns. As your breath catches in your throat, and your tears spill down onto your cheeks, you are no longer able to see his face.

 **BANG!**

Your little red heart soul shatters. You wonder briefly; without the power to RESET what will happen to you now? Will you even remember this timeline? Will there even be another? Does it even matter?

 **GAME OVER.**

Well...I guess...I guess that's it?

What more is there to do, now our heroes are dead, or soulless?

Except...

We're forgetting one crucial point.

We can't end things like this.

Let's go back...or, forward, to John's timeline. The timeline where our new fallen human chose PACIFISM over GENOCIDE.

Let us go to a timeline where Frisk can leave things underground in John's hands, while they busy themselves on the surface, with a task just as important.

Let us go back to the timeline we have focused most of this story on.

...

...

...

Terezi: D1D H3 JUST FUCK1NG ST3P ON TH3 PHON3 4ND F1X 1T?

Porrim: Clever bo+y.

Porrim: It seems to+ be picking up so+me signals.

Kanaya: All The Way Up Here

Kanaya: Arent We The Only House For Miles

Tavros: dO YOU THINK THEY SENT THE GUARDS UP HERE AGAIN?

Tavros: uHHH, tHEY WON'T BE ABLE TO TRACK THIS HERE, wILL THEY,,,

Terezi: L3T TH3M TRY.

Terezi: 1'LL FUCK TH3M UP TH1S T1M3! 1 OW3 TH3M MY GR4T1TUD3.

Terezi: H3H3H3H3!

Kanaya: No You Wont

Kanaya: Is The Signal Even Actually Eligible

Porrim: ...No+.

Terezi: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 BULLSH1T 4ND M3M3S. ]:K

Terezi: 1 DON'T TH1NK 1T'S 3V3N TH3 GU4RD-

Porrim: Hey.

Porrim: Did we wake yo+u, ho+ney?

Frisk: ...

Porrim: What's the matter?

You approach the trolls, a strong feeling of emotion gripping you all of a sudden. You're not quite sure why. You wrap your arms around Kanaya and Porrim in turn, and tearfully inform them you have to leave now.

Kanaya: Nonsense

Porrim: It's dangero+us o+ut there. Where wo+uld yo+u even go+?

Porrim: I'm go+ing to+ have to+ insist yo+u stay here with us, little darling.

You look nervously at the phone. There's only one place that signal could possibly be coming from.

But...

Maybe you should go with the assurance that machine gave you. This timeline is supposed to hold the conditions for the most favourable outcome. Maybe...Maybe that boy won't fail too terribly.

You'll leave this one to him. But, if he fucks this up, you can bet you'll find a way to get your powers back and fix everything for good.

It looks like this timeline has other plans for you, anyway.

 **End of Hometale, part 3.**

(The next chapter will be up in a little over a week, because I'm going to be away with no access to a computer. But I will have lots of time to write and hopefully get a few chapters ahead again, and/or finally sort through the mountains of notes this thing has. So while I'm busy most of next month, hopefully I'll be able to just put up those chapters once a week. Also, I really hope those of you who are able to enjoy my terrible writing are still liking the fic. XD One of my friends who is working on this with me is drawing some awesome cover pictures at the moment, so one of them will be up soon.)


	17. Chapter 17

**Level 3.**

The day the Tem obstruction finally cleared up came way too soon in John's opinion. An entire month and a week passed in the blink of an eye, and soon it was time for him to stop shitposting with skeletons, un-decorating grumpy antler monsters, and arguing with Karkat over how much his romcom collection sucked ass.

Oh, how you will miss using Papyrus's computer. Although, every single time you tried to use it, some a22hole who typed in an unpleasantly familiar style you couldn't quite put your finger on, sent you files upon pointless, crappy files, in bifurcated code. Why always red and blue? What's that guy's deal? If you ever meet him, you'll prank him into next century you swear to Gog!

You're going to miss the shit out of everyone. The librarbian, the cute little bunnies, the Mayor. Oh God are you going to miss the Mayor. The Mayor is so great. You're going to miss the dogs, too. They were such good dogs, and best friends. You're...pretty sure you're even going to miss Grillby, despite the unpleasant experience you went through in his establishment. Apparently, flame monsters only serve...flammable liquids. You were absolutely flat arsed fucking wasted. And that hangover...Never again!

Most of all, though, you are going to miss Karkat, and the skelebros. You changed your mind about asking Karkat to come with you, after you saw the colour of his blood. He seems happy enough down here, anyway. You know, waiting for a dead guy, having lusi who haven't returned home in over a month, maybe longer, and thinking watching romance movies makes him the master of fixing relationships. You haven't seen him in action, but you're almost certain that is complete bullshit. Those movies aren't even any good!

You recall one argument fondly:

Karkat: THESE MOVIES ARE THE HEIGHT OF SOCIOLOGICAL STUDY AND EDUCATION.

Karkat: YOU JUST DON'T GET IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE UNDERDEVELOPED THINK PAN OF A FUCKING NUT CREATURE.

Karkat: IT IS FUCKING EMBARRASSING WATCHING MOVIES WITH YOU!

John: karkat, we just spent two hours watching a guy stuttering every time he got close to a girl, telling crappy jokes, and somehow obtaining enough money to chase the 'woman of his dreams' half way across the globe, leaving behind all of his obligations for a fling that will probably last three months at most.

John: there is not even anything remotely educational about that. unless it is trying to tell you not to be a dumbass stalker guy who can't keep his shit together.

Karkat: OH!

Karkat: AND LITTLE MONSTERS WAS SO MUCH BETTER!

John: howie mandel was a god in that movie, and those dunknuts should be taking notes.

These arguments usually ended with you making a smartass comment, leaving Karkat in a state of silent fury.

Ah. Good times. How you will miss them.

But, it is for the best that you don't try to bring him along. Whatever life he has down here will be much easier; not to mention longer, than one he would have on the surface. That realization struck you the moment you saw his blood, and you couldn't quite help yourself from dragging the little idiot into a tight hug.

He wasn't impressed.

A number of monsters have come to see you off, including all of the dogs, and the adorable little Mayor. Oh, how you wish you could bring the Mayor on your adventure. You doubt Casey will want to share inventory space, though. She's a very territorial little Froggit...Dear sweet precious Casey.

John: welp

John: i guess it is time i should get going.

John: my lusus is probably going nuts.

John: it feels really weird continuing this journey not on my birthday.

John: like, that should probably be when most adventures happen, right? on a guy's birthday.

John: hey, where's papyrus?

Sans: he said he had some business to attend to in waterfall.

Sans: you'll probably see him around.

Sans: if you keep an eye socket or two out for him.

John: (omgf)

Sans: we'll probably cross paths too. i just got a new part time job out there.

Sans: been working my flesh off.

John: (stop)

John: ok then

John: well...

John: i guess

John: i guess that's it.

John: bye then.

John: i will remember you all fondly while i eat copious amounts of cake.

Karkat: ...

Karkat: YEAH. BYE.

John: sorry i can't take you with me dude. things on the surface are just a bit...complicated at times.

Karkat: ...

Karkat: YOU ARE SO FUCKING CONCEITED, JOHN EGBERT.

Karkat: I NEVER EVEN EXPRESSED A SINGLE FUCKING OUNCE OF INTEREST IN GOING WITH YOU.

John: i know.

John: dave, right?

Karkat: I KNOW WHAT YOU KEEP SAYING, BUT I REALLY SHOULD BE HERE

Karkat: JUST IN CASE.

John: well, i hope it all works out.

Karkat: YEAH.

John: hugs?

Karkat: WHAT?!

John: come on. i'm probably not going to see you again.

John: and i've hugged you before, remember?

Karkat: YEAH, AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO CHOKE ME.

John: like i would ever even.

John: you are just so adorable.

Karkat: FUCK YOU!

John: (aww)

You hug the troll while he screams internally. You also try not to hug so tight this time.

John: you going to be ok on your own?

John: your lusi haven't been back once.

Karkat: HE'LL BE BACK FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

John: he?

Karkat: THEY.

John: oh! that's right. it's in less than a month.

Karkat: SO?

John: sorry i couldn't stay.

Karkat: ...

Karkat: YOU CONCEITED FUCK.

John: hehehe

John: take care of yourself.

John: and maybe stop watching such crappy movies.

Karkat: RIGHT THE FUCK BACK AT YOU, YOU UNCULTURED SHIT SPONGE.

John: bye.

You turn away from Snowdin for what you are absolutely sure is the last time, and make your way along the river. The temperature steadily begins to rise, and you find yourself walking not on snow, but shining blue rock. A cool, blue cavern stretches ahead, the walls glittering peacefully.

Time to move on.

As you walk, you think about what Sans said. You might get to see him and his brother again. You hope so. You are unsure WHEN that might happen, though. It could be hours and hours. Or days and days...

Sans: oh, heya.

John: how the fuck

The skeleton is sat behind a small booth, smiling at you over the counter.

How

The fuck?

You are certain there is only one path, and you would have seen him float past if he had taken a ride on one of those giant ice cubes.

Why are you even surprised? He always pulls this crap. You'd think he had the ability to teleport, or some shit like that. If that was even a thing that could happen. Which it isn't.

Sans: you came to visit me at work, huh?

John: um...

Sans: heheh. i probably shouldn't let you distract me.

John: what do you actually do here?

Sans: i'm on the watch for humans. have you seen any?

John: oh god, i forgot.

Sans: it's fine. you'll have a **whale** of a time in waterfall.

Sans: if you can avoid the furious KNIGHT.

John: are you saying monsters are going to start pelting my adorable blue heart soul with not-so-friendliness pellets again?

John: like, that's still a thing?

John: it didn't just stop being a thing or anything?

John: hey...

John: are you asleep?

John: how the fuck are you asleep?

You sigh in exasperation and lean against the wall of the cavern, next to a large, blue flower. It's...been a while since you last saw a flower. Hopefully this one isn't a complete dick.

Echo flower: Ah...I really need to take a piss...But what if someone comes along? The only validation for my existence is standing here and explaining the Echo Flowers.

John: oh god

John: another talking flower?

John: leave my little blue heart soul alone!

Echo flower: oh god...another talking flower?...leave my little blue heart soul alone!

John: wait, what?

Echo flower: wait, what?

John: are you copying me?

Echo flower: are you copying me?

As realization strikes, a wicked grin crosses your face. This is the perfect pranking opportunity! It is going to be so fucking sweet!

-Five minutes later-

An orange, fish-like monster flops up beside the echo flower, ready to resume his honourable duty of explaining the flowers to anyone who happens to pass by.

Echo flower: feed me seymour!

Monster: ?

Echo flower: i said feed me! i am a hungry flower and i demand to be fed!

Echo flower: hehehe

That has got to be the lamest thing an echo flower has ever said. You almost feel sorry for whoever set this up. You're also a little pissed off that they didn't stick around for you to explain it to them. Maybe then they would have used it better.

We return to John, five minutes earlier, and extremely pleased with himself.

Goddamnit John.

A waterfall greets you a little way down the path, and you take a little detour down the rickety wooden walkway to your left. Another echo flower awaits, and you want to pull another sweet prank.

Echo flower: I thought I saw something, behind that running water.

Wait, what?

You walk as close as you dare to the waterfall, and squint your eyes through the rushing water. There...IS something there. Is that...Is that a fucking camera? Why is there a camera here?

It would be very dumb, and very conceited of you to assume the camera is here to watch you specifically, but you do recall the unnerving feeling of being watched sometimes during your stay in Snowdin. You had just assumed it was that asshole flower. Which isn't completely out of the question.

Or inaccurate.

But, you don't need to know that.

Not yet.

Hmm...There is something else down here. Something red and sparkly! You push your hand into the water and withdraw a pair of ruby slippers.

Oh Hell yes!

Not only are their defensive powers off the charts, they also look fucking fabulous! Even if the water has washed away some of the shimmering jewels.

John – Switch out your glasses for the fabulous footwear immediately.

You don the ruby slippers, and while you're at it, you let Casey out of your inventory. You can't have her frogging up your glasses. Also she's adorable, and this place is dark, and a little spooky.

John: we're not in snowdin any more, casey.

Casey: ...

John: let's go home.

You continue on your way past the waterfall and down the shiny, blue stone path. You feel a song would be appropriate right now, but no song comes to mind. What could you possibly sing while wearing ruby slippers, carrying an adorable animal companion, and trying to find your way home?

Hmm...

Nope. You simply cannot think of anything.

Oh well. Proceed in silence.

You push your way through some long grass, but stop when you hear voices overhead.

Papyrus: HI UNDYNE!

Papyrus: HOW HAS THE LAST MONTH BEEN?

Undyne: ...

Papyrus: OH! YOU PROBABLY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT HUMAN SITUATION?

Undyne: ...

Papyrus: DID I CATCH HIM?

Papyrus: WELL...I TRIED VERY HARD, UNDYNE.

Papyrus: BUT...IN THE END...NO. NO I DIDN'T.

Undyne: ...

Papyrus: BUT!

Papyrus: YOU DON'T HAVE TO DESTROY HIM!

Papyrus: YOU SEE...

Papyrus: YOU SEE...

Undyne: ...

Papyrus: O-OK...I'LL...HELP YOU ANY WAY I CAN...

Well...shit.

You really aren't in Snowdin any more.

It seems new dangers lie ahead. There are new enemies to face, and you somehow doubt spouting nonsense at them about your favourite movies will suffice in pacifying them.

And what about Papyrus? You just spent an entire month with the guy. You trust him completely, but...maybe that isn't so wise of you.

The rest was nice while it lasted, but the gravity of your situation sets in once again. A feeling of dread hangs over you, but, as the footsteps of your wicked new enemy retreat, and you leave the shelter of the tall grass, a shiny yellow thing waits for you.

You grab yourself some well needed Determination.

 **End of level 3, part 1.**


	18. Chapter 18

(So sorry this chapter took so long. I've had non stop cosplay making/conventions this month.)

 **Intermission 3.**

Years and years in the past, but not quite as many as the last intermission.

A young girl stands at the locked door to the Ruins. She has just finished convincing an adorable goat monster to let her go. That goat mother was so silly, worrying over you like that! You have fought off high blood troll guards with your trusty weapon, after all.

You don't have the weapon in your hands right now. Your lusus would make such a fuss if he knew! But, these monsters are just all so cute!

You already received a name when you landed on that bed of golden flowers, while you were wondering what a bed of flowers was doing there. It seems you hadn't run out of fucks to give on that particular topic.

However, instead of outright saying your name, why don't we just guess it?

HUGE FURRY

?: well thats not very nice!

?: it sounds like you are making fun of my interest in anthropomorphic fauna, which is very rude!

?: that goat monster was so cute though...

Ok...

Fucking furry.

Alright, your name is:

JADE HARLEY

Jade: thats better!

Your name is Jade. As you make your way cautiously through the frozen forest, your beautiful ruby slippers crunch against the snow, making new footprints in the untouched ground. You really feel at home here.

For some reason.

It's almost like, if you ever had an entire planet dedicated to you, or something like that, which would probably never happen ever, it would look something like this.

You can't stay, though. You have troll asses to kick on the surface! You aren't the first in your family to defy those fucking trolls, and you hope you won't be the last. One day, you hope a distant, or not so distant relative will carry your weapon, and wear your shoes, and whap that Condesce right in the face! Show her what for!

You...really have no patience for her kind.

Not that you are racist or anything.

Trolls just piss you off.

But here, in this underground forest, you feel you can relax. You push your glasses up onto your nose as you continue on your way.

Why are these glasses not a defense or attack item? Because fuck you that's why!

Most of the monsters stay out of your way, but a few brave, fluffy beasts confront you. You tell them they are being very bad dogs, and if you had a newspaper you would whap them firmly on the nose. They respect your authoritative tone and leave you alone.

Good.

They aren't such bad dogs after all. They just need a firm hand, is all. You are proud of all of them.

You stop to rest by a sad looking snowman, wondering whether there is an end to this winter wonderland. Also, is there even an exit this way?

Jade: grandpa would be so disappointed.

Jade: a true adventurer would be able to find a way out easily.

Snowman: Hello human.

Jade: oh!

Jade: hello?

Jade: i didnt know you could talk!

Jade: i thought only slime, and frog monsters, and cute little doggies could talk down here. oh, and toriel.

Jade: that was kind of silly of me, wasnt it?

Jade: and a bit rude!

Jade: i am sorry.

Snowman: I am just happy to have someone to talk to.

Snowman: No need to apologize.

Jade: oh

Jade: alright...

Jade: so

Jade: youre a snowman?

Snowman: Yes!

Jade: are you a monster too?

Snowman: No. Just a snowman.

Jade: a magic snowman?

Snowman: Hmm...

Snowman: I guess so.

Snowman: I never thought about it much before.

Snowman: I guess not being able to move made me feel spectacularly un-magical.

Jade: how did you get here?

Snowman: I was built over two decades ago, by a couple of humans.

Jade: humans?

Snowman: Yes.

Snowman: I wanted to ask them

Snowman: If it would be possible for them to make me able to move.

Snowman: But one of them was killed before I could ask.

Jade: oh no!

Jade: what

Jade: happened to the other?

Jade: or dont i want to know? :C

Snowman: She left soon after that.

Snowman: I don't know what happened to her.

Jade: :(

Jade: maybe one day shell come back!

Jade: and youll be able to walk around!

Jade: actually, im sure she will!

Jade: just stay determined, and everything will work out.

Jade: thats what my grandpa always says.

Snowman: He seems like a wise human.

Snowman: ...I'll do that. I'll stay Determined that one day I will see the whole of the Underground, and my sweet creator once more.

Jade: yes!

Jade: well...

Jade: my grandpa never actually said those exact words.

Jade: but, he was always all about moving forward.

Jade: he was the best at adventuring.

Jade: and collecting a lot of interesting stuff!

Jade: he even refused to be referred to as a 'lusus'

Jade: thats a troll term, and trolls are bad news!

Snowman: Trolls?

Jade: i hope you never have to meet one.

Jade: theyre rude, and violent, and theyre making my species go extinct.

Snowman: They sound terrible.

Snowman: Are you trying to find your way back to where they are?

Jade: yes

Snowman: Do you really have to?

Jade: yes!

Jade: i have to stop them.

Jade: i have to be brave

Jade: like my grandpa.

You recall fondly, the exploits of your lusus- I mean grandpa.

You couldn't ask for a better guardian.

You decide to tell the Snowman all about how he took down dangerous enemy after dangerous enemy, always refusing to back down from a fight.

 **End of Intermission 3, part 1.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Level 3, part 2.**

We return to the world Down Under. Heh, calling it that reminds you of another 'Down Under' you always wanted to visit some day, but knew you never would. You always referred to that place as 'Oz' for short, though. A lot of crazy wildlife there too, you heard. Maybe this place isn't too different.

But, anyway; you just grabbed yourself some well needed Determination. It seems a Wicked Knight of pure Rage is after your head, because almost everyone down here is a racist motherfucker. Also, you are sporting some fabulous ruby slippers that may or may not have once belonged to a not-so-distant relative of yours. Not that you will ever figure that out. Because you are a dumbass.

Anyway, shall we proceed?

Monster kid: Yo!

Oh, Goddamnit.

John: oh hey.

John: you're that one kid from snowdin with the 'i heart undyne' fanclub, which is apparently not totally lame, right?

Monster kid: Yep!

Monster kid: Are you here to see Undyne, too?

John: i sincerely hope not.

Monster kid: Haha! Yo, no need to be shy!

Monster kid: Undyne is the best!

Monster kid: Hey! Let's go watch her beat up some bad guys!

John: why don't you go on ahead.

John: i'll be over here not getting the shit kicked out of me and my adorable little blue heart soul.

Monster kid: Haha! Ok!

As the little monster scurries on ahead, he promptly falls flat on his face, before scrambling back to his feet and continuing excitedly on his way.

Poor little guy. If he only had a brain- I mean arms.

You should probably be on your way too, before Undyne comes back and shanks you.

John – Proceed!

You fail to proceed, because your path is blocked by a narrow, shallow pool of water-...Are you kidding me?

It's like

Fucking knee deep at most!

*Sigh* Fortunately for you, and my migraine, you find a bunch of little plant thingies. It seems lining them up on the surface of the water allows you to cross without getting a little damp.

Hurray.

You find yourself with two paths to choose from, both blocked by more water. Lucky there's more plant thingies. I guess.

God I am not getting paid enough for this crap.

Hm...It seems the way forward is the path leading upwards, but there is an interesting smell coming from the other path.

Casey also finds this smell interesting, as she leaps from your arms and into the water. Goddamnit! Now you have to go retrieve her. Why is she always so rebellious?

Teenagers!

You line more plant thingies in the water and hurry after your adorable, sweet, precious little frog companion.

You find her hiding beneath a randomly placed bench, gnawing on something. Is that an abandoned quiche? It looks like it's been here for at least five weeks. Gross Casey, gross. The thing about monster food, though, is that it doesn't 'go off'. You could eat that if you were in a tough situation, and you probably would not die.

John – Grab the quiche!

You snatch up that old, abandoned, chewed up quiche and put it in your pocket.

...Wow. Ew.

Well, now this tomfoolery is out of the way, you can-

Echo flower: I just couldn't handle the responsibility.

Echo flower: Hehehe...That's not funny.

You didn't even realize there was an echo flower here. You wonder how long ago someone whispered those words into it. This room doesn't seem to be visited often.

Also, for some reason, your thoughts drift to your lusus. God, you hope he's alright, and hasn't baked himself into a coma.

You place more plant thingies on the surface of the water and cross onto the other path, approaching a door beyond which is shrouded in darkness, and the occasional, twinkling light.

Before you can enter, your phone begins to ring.

John: hello?

Papyrus: HELLO, MY FRIEND WHO TRUSTS ME!

John: erm...

Papyrus: IT HAS JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT, DURING THE PAST MONTH, I GAVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER, BUT I NEVER RECEIVED YOURS!

John: papyrus, you are literally calling me right now.

Papyrus: YES!

John: how?

John: how, if you never got my number?

Papyrus: IT WAS EASY! NYEH HEH HEH!

Papyrus: I JUST DIALED EVERY NUMBER UNTIL I REACHED THIS ONE.

Papyrus: I ENDED UP SPEAKING TO QUITE A FEW WEIRDOS...

John: ...

John: why didn't you just get it from karkat?

Papyrus: ...

Papyrus: OH.

Papyrus: I DID NOT THINK OF THAT.

Papyrus: BUT, LISTEN.

Papyrus: SO...

Papyrus: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

John: huh?

Papyrus: I'M...

Papyrus: ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

John: ...

Papyrus: SHE SAID SHE SAW YOU WEARING RUBY SLIPPERS.

Papyrus: ARE YOU WEARING RUBY SLIPPERS?

John: ...

You recall Papyrus's conversation with Undyne. He wouldn't really betray you, would he? You really want to trust him, but...

John: i am wearing my regular old glasses.

John: ruby slippers sound cool as fuck though. i should keep an eye out for those!

Papyrus: SO, YOU ARE DEFINITELY **NOT** WEARING RUBY SLIPPERS?

John: absolutely not.

Papyrus: OK!

Papyrus: WINK WINK!

Papyrus hangs up, leaving you feeling uneasy again.

But, as you proceed into the next chamber, the feeling of unease slips away into pure awe.

It is dark in here, but you can make out a large number of echo flowers in the flickering, twinkling light emanating from thousands upon thousands of shimmering rocks in the ceiling of the cavern. It looks almost like starlight.

A sign on the wall in front of you reads:

[Wishing Room]

Echo flower: A long time ago, monsters made their wishes to the stars in the nights' sky. But now, we have to make do with these shining rocks.

That's...a little sad.

Nevertheless, this is the single most beautiful place you have ever encountered. It's a little eerie, listening to all the ghosts of past wishes playing back at you, over and over, but, in an odd way, that only adds to the air of magic about this place.

Echo flower: I wish we could all go free some day.

Echo flower: I wish they would notice me.

Echo flower: I wish the war would end peacefully.

Echo flower: I wish I had a sister.

You quietly make your way over to a corner of the room, and pull out your phone again. Over the past month, you have attempted to call Toriel on a number of occasions, but she has never answered. Not even once. Maybe this time...

As usual, there is no answer. You wish you could have told her about this place.

You decide to call Karkat next.

It goes straight to voicemail.

John: hey!

John: i guess you're busy?

John: listen

John: if you're ever feeling like venturing out of snowdin, i just found the coolest place!

John: ...i hope you get to see it some day.

John: maybe take a trip to the 'wishing room' with your lusi on your birthday?

John: you won't regret it.

You hang up, glancing towards the nearest echo flower. Perhaps you should make a wish too?

John: i wish toriel didn't have to be so lonely any more.

John: and, i am not sure what papyrus is up to, but he totally deserves to realize he's already great, without all those crappy titles.

John: i hope karkat finds the strength to move on. i know dave probably wouldn't want him waiting around his whole life, if he was any sort of friend at all.

John: and sans...

John: let him keep smiling.

John: genuinely.

John: oh!

John: i also hope the mayor gets all the hugs he deserves.

John: the mayor is great.

John: ...

You are relieved only the flower heard that. Otherwise things might get a bit embarrassing. I mean, it's not as though this is something that is easily accessible for maybe ten or so people to read and see how sappy you can be.

Your secret is safe.

Speaking of your friends, I wonder what they've been up to since you've been gone? Well, Papyrus is wandering around somewhere, totally not being suspicious at all. Sans is probably asleep, or slacking off at whatever he's supposed to be doing presently. Toriel is likely waiting to greet any other humans who may fall down, or writing puns in her diary.

What about Karkat, though? Why didn't he answer his phone?

Maybe we should check on him.

...

-A few minutes earlier in Snowdin-

Lousy good for nothing stupid Egbert.

It's not like you care that he had to leave, or anything. You have tons of important stuff to do here.

Like this. Right now, you are sat at Papyrus's computer. This device is surprisingly useful. Maybe you should get one. It is a fucking pain in the ass that that one douchebag keeps sending you stupid viruses, but you just leave it for Papyrus to deal with.

During John's stay, you both signed up to UnderNet, the underground's number one social network site. It can be a little glitchy at times, but it lets you keep track of some of the goings on in your friends' lives...Well, you guess John won't have access to it any more. Or, ghostlyTrickster as he called himself online. You still have CoolSkeleton95 to pester, you guess. Which would mean more if you didn't live less than five minutes away from him, and have to use his computer to access the site in the first Goddamn place.

Your handle is carcinoGeneticist, and you are certain that is way more badass than Egbert and Papyrus's stupid names combined.

Karkat – Send memes to Papyrus-

Wait.

Hang on, what's this?

Someone just sent you a request, but they don't have a handle?

Hmm...It's probably that douchebag hacker, finding his way to your account. Maybe you should accept, so you can tear into him with your sickest burns.

You accept.

They open up a chat box, and you prepare to tear them the fuck apar-

What?

There's no text here?

Oh, you get it. They're typing in white.

Fucking smartass.

You might as well highlight their bullcrap and get it over with.

-[o] began pestering carcinoGeneticist-

[Hello]

carcinoGeneticist: YOU HAVE APPROXIMATELY FIVE NANOSECONDS TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU FIND IT NECESSARY TO WASTE MY PRECIOUS TIME, BEFORE I COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.

[Oh my. We are a little crabby today, aren't we?]

[I just wanted to leave you a little message. You should actually feel honoured that I chose to bother you at all.]

carcinoGeneticist: OH, OK.

carcinoGeneticist: EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE, WHILE I CALCULATE HOW MANY FUCKS I SHOULD BE BEQUEATHING THIS PARTICULAR ROUND OF BULLSHIT WORD TENNIS WITH.

carcinoGeneticist: ...OK, I'M GETTING SOMETHING HERE...

carcinoGeneticist: FUCK OFF.

[You should know, I usually don't waste my time talking to little boys.]

[I much prefer the repartee between myself and the young ladies.]

carcinoGeneticist: THAT ISN'T CREEPY AT ALL. /:B

[I'm glad you agree.]

[But, anyway. Here is my message. You should also know, I never lie.]

carcinoGeneticist: ?

[You are going to see Dave again, quite soon.]

carcinoGeneticist: WAIT

carcinoGeneticist: WHAT?

carcinoGeneticist: WHEN?

carcinoGeneticist: ARE YOU SAYING HE'S ALIVE?

[o] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist

...You'll...take that as a maybe...

Huh. It looks like John has been trying to call you. You would call him back, but right now you have too much to think about.

While Karkat has an existential crisis, should we check back in on John?

...

-Back in Waterfall-

John appears to have left the wishing room, and found his way onto a wooden walkway. The water on either side is unfathomably deep, and full of water sausages.

It's peaceful here.

Certainly not somewhere you would expect an encounter with Undyne, or any such nonsense like that. You are absolutely positive you are 100% safe from any kind of spear happy Knight trying to impale you without even bothering to summon the strife menu, because fuck that when your victim is just out in the open, gormlessly perambulating across a precarious wooden platform.

 **CRASH!**

Much to the surprise of literally everyone, a spear slices through the air inches in front of you, splintering the wooden walkway as it lands.

Welp. Here she comes.

Another spear makes a beeline for your general vicinity, and it is around this time that you realize you should probably run for your life.

You hurtle across the walkway as spear after spear pelts after you, until you make it to another field of tall grass. The clanking sound of armour, and spears cutting at the grass follows close behind you. You keep running. You can't afford to stop, or look back.

Eventually, you find an exit and hurry down a path to your right. For a moment, you could have sworn you saw Sans, but there is no way in hell you are going back to say hello right now. He'll probably understand when Undyne lumbers out of the grass...Hopefully he will think to send her off down the path straight ahead, because you are pretty fucking tired of running.

In your panic, you almost forget to appreciate the luminous blue water down here. You stop to rest, setting Casey down on the damp ground, and swinging your legs over the water's edge. Predictably, Casey hops away to go do her own thing. You are too exhausted to go after her.

Also your phone is ringing again. Maybe it's Karkat returning your call.

John: karkat?

Papyrus: HELLO!

Papyrus: REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED YOU WHAT YOU WERE WEARING?

John: like twenty minutes ago or something?

John: yeah, i remember.

John: i probably can't really talk right now though, if i want to, you know, live-

Papyrus: THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A SECOND.

Papyrus: THEN YOU CAN GO BACK TO...

Papyrus: WHAT WERE YOU PRESENTLY DOING?

John: being chased by a racist.

Papyrus: OH.

Papyrus: THAT SOUNDS FUN!

John: it is about as fun as being shanked by spears can get, yeah.

Papyrus: SPLENDID!

Papyrus: I AM HAPPY TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE ENJOYING YOURSELF.

Papyrus: ANYWAY, THAT FRIEND I MENTIONED EARLIER.

Papyrus: SHE SEEMS TO...

Papyrus: WANT YOU...

Papyrus: NOT ALIVE.

John: oh

John: lame.

Papyrus: YOU PROBABLY DID NOT KNOW THIS.

Papyrus: SO, INSTEAD OF TELLING HER WHAT YOU SAID YOU WERE WEARING, I LET HER BELIEVE YOU WERE WEARING THE RUBY SLIPPERS.

John: ...

Papyrus: I HATE LYING, BUT I CAN'T LET MY GOOD FRIEND GET HURT.

Papyrus: BEING FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE IS HARD! :(

He hangs up. You can't really stay mad at him. At least now you know he's on your side. You think...

A little raindrop shaped monster approaches, and you ready yourself to spare the shit out of it. But, that apparently isn't necessary. It looks as though it just wants to chat.

Raindrop monster: I killed a star once.

Well...

That's not ominous at all...

The monster leaves, and before you can even begin to wrap your head around whatever the hell that even meant, Casey returns, carrying something in her mouth.

Is that a fucking rifle?

You carefully take it from her, before she has a chance to hurt herself. Dear sweet precious little frog monsters like her shouldn't be carrying something so dangerous.

Unsurprisingly, this is a weapon with more attack than your hammer, the shitty sword, and the wands combined. You won't need it.

Even if you were fighting Undyne, you don't think you could bring yourself to kill anything.

You put the rifle in your pocket, deciding it is probably best to keep it out of harm's way. Wow, your pockets are getting full. Hopefully you can find a shop to pawn some of this shit off soon.

John – Keep going!

You grab Casey and continue onward. As you go, you hear a passing conversation among the echo flowers.

Echo flower: come on ff, tell me your wii2h.

Echo flower: No! You will just laug) (!

Echo flower: no ii wont.

Echo flower: Yes you will!

At the end of the path, as the echo flower's conversation dies down, you find yourself in complete silence. Water surrounds you on both sides of a narrow platform. You really hope nothing comes out of the depths and pulls you in- OH MY GOD IS THAT A TENTACLE?!

Onionsan: Hey...there!

A huge, octopus/onion...thing...rises from the water, along with an assortment of other aquatic lifeforms. It kind of looks a bit cramped in there.

Onionsan: I noticed you were...here.

Onionsan: I'm Onionsan!

Onionsan: Onionsan, y'hear!

John: hey.

John: are you ok in there?

John: you look a little...squashed.

Onionsan: Oh, yeah!

Onionsan: I-it gets very cramped in here sometimes.

Onionsan: But...that's ok, y'hear!

Onionsan: They're all my brothers and sisters!

Onionsan: The water m-might be...

Onionsan: Getting shallow...

Onionsan: But we're one big happy family!

Onionsan: And Undyne's gonna fix everything, y'hear!

Onionsan: We're gonna get out and live in the ocean, y'hear!

John: oh

John: good luck with that?

John: i guess?

Onionsan: Yeah! :D

The surface of the water begins to bubble, as something else glubs up from the depths...

Oh...

Oh no...

Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

You stare in horror as the troll's horns break the surface of the water.

Oh fuck!

A sea dweller.

...Not just any sea dweller.

The eyes staring at you are deep fuchsia.

But...There is no way...It can't be...

) (er...

 **End of level 3, part 2.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Hometale, part 4.**

Terezi: B3FOR3 T4VROS W4S CR1PPL3D, H3 US3D TO LOV3 COM1NG UP H3R3

Terezi: BUT TH3 P4TH TH1S H1GH ON TH3 MOUNT41N 1SNT V3RY...

Kanaya: Wheelchair Friendly

Terezi: SO, NOW ON H1S WR1GGL1NG D4Y, W3 COM3 UP H3R3 TO P1CK SOM3 OF H1S F4VOUR1T3 FLOW3RS

Terezi: BUT 1 DONT G3T WH4T TH3 B1G D34L 1S ]:K

Terezi: TH3Y SM3LL PR3TTY 4V3R4G3 TO M3

Terezi: TH3Y WOULD T4ST3 SO MUCH B3TT3R 1N R3D [:K

Terezi: DONT YOU 4GR33 FR1SK

You give a small, indecisive nod as you absentmindedly pluck a lone, golden flower from the ground, gazing past it towards the top of the mountain. In your opinion, they are beautiful the way they are. But, of course, the flowers aren't the only things on your mind. What is that boy doing down there? It's been like five weeks already! It's almost as though he was held up for a month by something completely ridiculous. Probably Tem related.

As the trolls begin to bicker over the colour of the flowers, you wander a little higher. Golden flowers are scattered here and there across the uneven terrain. It is sad, but there is no way a wheelchair could manoeuvre safely up here.

If only you could take the trolls back to your village to see the flowers there. Tavros would probably like that. But, you're pretty sure the six or so other humans there would probably flip their shit if a bunch of trolls just strolled into the village.

It would probably be the fastest way to get someone impaled.

Maybe some day.

As you climb higher, something white among the yellow catches your eye. You push aside the tall flowers to get a better look. It's a hat! Oh, hell yes. Its defensive powers are off the charts! The old bandage you've been wearing for defense is absolutely nothing compared to this hat.

Well, let's be honest; your bandage is probably the worst piece of shit defense item in existence. But...This hat is pretty fucking sweet!

Frisk – Acquire hat.

You reach out to grab the sick headgear, but freeze in your tracks. Is that blood on the rim?

Kanaya: Is Everything Alright Up Here

Terezi: H3Y, TH3Y FOUND SOM3TH1-

Completely in sync, the troll's facial expressions switch from curiosity, to deep concern. Before you can turn to see what their deal is, Kanaya pulls you back by the arm, and covers your eyes.

Kanaya: Terezi

Kanaya: Is It Really Necessary To Poke At It Like That

Terezi: OF COURS3 1T 1S!

Terezi: W3 H4V3 JUST STUMBL3D UPON TH3 SC3N3 OF 4 CR1M3!

Terezi: 1 WONT P4SS UP TH3 OPPORTUN1TY TO BR1NG TO JUST1C3 WHO3V3R 1S R3SPONS1BL3 FOR TH1S H31NOUS 4CT! [:K

Kanaya: As Though There Is Any Chance In Hell It Wasnt The Royal Guard

Terezi: ]:K

Terezi: SW33T FUCK1NG HUM4N J3SUS K4N4Y4

Terezi: C4NT YOU H4V3 4 L1TTL3 FUN W1TH TH1S?

Kanaya: No

Kanaya: And You Should Take Frisk Back To The Hive Before They See-

At this point, your curiosity gets the better of you, and you push Kanaya's hand out of the way.

Instantly, you regret your dumbass decision.

A few meters away from the hat, and laying face down in the flowers, is a dead adult human. It looks like he's been there for quite a few weeks.

Among the possessions scattered around him are a wallet, a cake, and an empty can of shaving cream.

Looks like his attack item ran out of juice mid FIGHT.

Kanaya: Frisk!

You assure Kanaya you are ok. But she doesn't seem convinced. You keep close to her, for both your own comfort, and her peace of mind.

Terezi: H3 W4S PROB4BLY 4 HUM4N WR1GGL3RS LUSUS

Terezi: W3LP, NOT 4NYMOR3 1 GU3SS

Kanaya: I Wonder Where The Wriggler Is

Terezi: M4YB3 TH3Y GOT 4W4Y

Kanaya: You Should Really Come Back Over Here

Kanaya: ...

Kanaya: Considering...

Terezi: 1M L1T3R4LLY H4V1NG 4 BL4ST [:K

Kanaya: But-

Terezi: 1 G3T TO 1NV3ST1G4T3 4 R34L L1F3 MURD3R!

Terezi: 1T 1S V3RY 3XC1T1NG

Kanaya: Even So

Kanaya: You-

Terezi: 1 4M MOR3 CONC3RN3D 4BOUT FR1SK ]:K

Terezi: TH3Y 4R3 B31NG V3RY QU13T

Kanaya: They Dont Usually Say Very Much

Terezi: TRU3

Frisk: ...

Kanaya: I Think The Most Animated I have Seen Them Was When They Were Checking Out Porrims Boobs

Frisk: -_-

Terezi: PORR1MS BOOBS 4R3 PR3TTY ON PO1NT

Kanaya: I Share An Ancestor With Her And Even I Can Admit

Kanaya: They Can Definitely Be Described As 'On Point'

Frisk: *thumbs up.*

The trolls turn their attention back to the body.

Kanaya: I Dont Think It Would Be Appropriate To Leave Him Here

Kanaya: We Should Give Him A Proper Burial

Kanaya: The Garden Should Do

Terezi: YOU M34N

Terezi: YOU W4NT TO T4K3 TH1S HUM4N B4CK TO TH3 H1V3, 4ND BURY 1T 1N TH3 G4RD3N?

Terezi: W1TH ROS4

Terezi: 4ND V4NT4S ]:K

Kanaya: It Seems The Appropriate Thing To Do

Kanaya: And I Dont Think Dolorosa Would Mind

Kanaya: She Could Probably Use The Company

Terezi: ]:K

Terezi: 1 D1S4GR33, BUT WH4T3V3R

Terezi: WH4T DO 1 KNOW 4BOUT WH4T ON3S 4NC3STOR WOULD W4NT

Terezi: SH3 M1GHT W4NT 4 WHOL3 FUCK1NG PL4TOON OF HUM4N CORPS3S BUR1ED 4ROUND H3R FOR 4LL 1 KNOW

Kanaya: I Am Glad You Are On Board

Kanaya: That Was Sarcasm By The Way

Terezi: ]:K

Kanaya: Take Frisk Back

Kanaya: I Will Catch Up

As you turn to follow Terezi home, Kanaya stops you again briefly. She removes the gross bandage from your face. About Goddamn time!

Then she pushes the hat onto your head.

Kanaya: It Would Feel Infinitely Better If You Would Wear Some Real Defense

You hug her gratefully. Although, you could probably do without having to wear the hat while there is still blood on it. Oh well. You can't make every fashion decision for yourself, you guess.

Before you go, you decide to be Kanaya.

Frisk – Be Kanaya.

You be Kanaya, and watch as Terezi and Frisk make their way back down the mountain, a small number of flowers collected.

Someone has been trolling you. Someone unwelcome, and extremely douchey. You pull out the phone, which still receives garbled signals from time to time. More recently, though, some pretentious asshole has been bothering you more and more. Usually, you politely tell him to fuck off.

\- [o] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix -

[Hello, my fine young lady.]

[Are we feeling more co-operative today?]

grimAuxiliatrix: I Was Beginning To Wonder When You Would Rear Your Ugly Head Again

grimAuxiliatrix: And Bingo Here You Are

grimAuxiliatrix: Right On Cue

[I assure you, my head is quite handsome.]

[It is also full of wisdom that a being of inferior intellect such as yourself can only hope to imagine.]

grimAuxiliatrix: I Just Now Allowed Myself A Moment Of Private Enjoyment Knowing You Are Probably Being Completely Unironic With Your Assertions That You Are Some Kind Of Higher Being

grimAuxiliatrix: You Actually Believe You Are Better Than Me

grimAuxiliatrix: And That I Actually Give A Flying Fuck What You Have To Say

[I am better than you. That is an indisputable fact.]

[And you will give a flying fuck when I relay to you the information I have gleaned from this timeline.]

grimAuxiliatrix: You Mean That _Riveting_ Sack Of Bullshit Alluding To My Own Death?

[I didn't say you would die. You merely presumed so, from the wisdom I kindly imparted during our last conversation.]

grimAuxiliatrix: You Said I Would See Vantas Again

grimAuxiliatrix: Unless You Are Suggesting There Is Some Way To Resurrect The Dead The Implication Is Quite Obvious

[There is no way to properly resurrect the dead, no.]

[But yes, you will indeed see Vantas again in the near future.]

grimAuxiliatrix: Vantas Is Dead

[Vantas no longer exists, yes.]

grimAuxiliatrix: So What You Are Really Saying Is You Are Completely Full Of Hoof Beast Manure

[I don't lie.]

[However, it does not concern me whether you believe me or not right now.]

[You will believe me soon enough. And you will do exactly, all the things that I have said, and have yet to say.]

[You will see the troll you once knew as Vantas, and yet 'Vantas' no longer exists. You will also rendezvous with an assortment of new friends, and partake in a battle to control the timeline.]

grimAuxiliatrix: And When Will This Alleged Rendezvous Take Place Oh Omniscient One

[On the 12th of June, of course.]

grimAuxiliatrix: ...

grimAuxiliatrix: You Actually Gave Me A Straight Answer Just Now

grimAuxiliatrix: I Thought Your Game Was To Be As Infuriatingly Cryptic And Vague As Inhumanely Possible

grimAuxiliatrix: Were You Just Trying To Evoke An Emotional Response From Me

[As exhilarating as it is to converse with emotional young females, I was merely bestowing your question with the correct, and most appropriate response.]

[In about three weeks, you will gather at an, as of yet, unexplored location on this mountain, and then you will fight for your destiny.]

grimAuxiliatrix: And What If Knowing All Of This I Now Do Everything In My Power To Avoid This Eventuality

[All paths lead to the same end.]

[Besides, I have not yet bequeathed you with today's message.]

[Which is that, right now there exists a fuchsia blooded princess with a legitimate claim to the Condesce's throne. If you meet up with these 'others', which you will, you will come face to face with a way to take down )(er Imperious Condescension once and for all.]

[Do with this information what you will.]

[I, of course already know exactly what you will decide.]

[Once you have rid yourself of that adult human cadaver, beside the resting place of your dear ancestor, I will be in contact again.]

[Farewell for now.]

\- [o] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix -

What a fucking obnoxious piece of shit!

You almost consider abandoning the dead human, just to spite that guy. But your conscience won't allow you to. He was probably someone's lusus, after all.

The cake is pretty useless now, but his other belongings may serve some sort of purpose. For example, the shaving cream is a weapon with incredible attack power...Or, it was, until it ran out. You guess that is pretty useless now, too. The wallet though seems to be a complex and useful inventory system; much better than your incredibly limited pockets. You decide to take it, since it's not as though he has much use for it now.

As you lift the human gently, a piece of paper falls from his hand, and flutters to the ground.

Kanaya – Read note.

'Happy wriggling day John. I am so proud of you.'

You briefly wonder who this John could be, and whether he knows about the fate of his lusus.

...

We catch up with Frisk, a few hours in the future. They haven't done anything of much importance today, beside help to arrange golden flowers in a vase, and discover the dead body of another kid's lusus. You know, the usual, uneventful kind of day.

I mean, what's a day without finding a few dead bodies, you know? Not the kind of day I want to live through!

Tavros seems pleased with his presents, even if Rufioh couldn't make it to the party. He talks about Rufioh quite frequently. You kind of wonder whether the guy is real or not.

You are now sat in the playroom finishing off some delicious birthday cake, and listening to Aranea telling the other wrigglers a story. It is kind of hard to focus on the story, as you try, and fail to keep your mind off the image of that lusus lying there, sprawled next to a cake not too different from the one you are presently consuming. Fortunately, Porrim agreed to wash the hat, so the next time you wear it, it won't be covered in fucking blood.

Terezi has been rather quiet since you returned home, and you wonder whether the discovery got to her as well. Nothing ever seems to get to her, though. Perhaps she is just so invested in observing in her own way, the little teal grub, Latula, as she torments the candy red Kankri. It is pretty adorable when the grubs play together.

Still, you wonder what Terezi could be thinking.

She seems...down.

 **End of Hometale, part 4.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Intermission 3, part 2.**

*Door click*

Aranea: Wow...

Aranea: I'm not even sure how I got in here, 8ut this place

Aranea: Is so cool! ::::)

Aranea: Hm?

Aranea: Are these notes some kind of story?

Aranea: W8...

Aranea: Narr8tion 8utton?

Aranea: Does this mean I now get to narr8 all the story?

Aranea: Allllllll of it? ::::)

Narrator: Holy mother of craps!

Narrator: That was the biggest dump I have ever-

Narrator: Huh?

Narrator: How did you get in here, little troll girl?

Aranea: Oh, hi!

Narrator: Goddamnit! How do people keep getting in here?

Narrator: I seriously need to get a lock on this fucking good for nothing door!

Narrator: That bloody metal contraption I needed power to keep closed for some reason was better than this thing!

Narrator: Even if it almost got me killed by furries.

Narrator: Fucking Goddamn lousy stinking furries and their Goddamn lousy stinking 6 am curfew!

Aranea: Language! ::::)

Narrator: Oh screw you! I can swear all I want. This is my private chamber, and I am very pissed off right now!

Narrator: What are you even doing here?

Aranea: Reading the script. It is veeeeeeeery inform8tive.

Aranea: Spoilers though!

Aranea: Those savages. I can't 8elieve they're going to kill off-

Narrator: That's enough! Give me that script. You're not supposed to know any of that.

Narrator: Like

Narrator: I don't even know what's happening any more.

Narrator: How can you even **BE** here?

Narrator: You are literally a character **IN** the story!

Narrator: Albeit a minor one.

Aranea: WH8T?!

Narrator: Just

Narrator: Give me the script.

Narrator: I have a story to resume, and the writer is such a fucking tight ass. I am on a strict schedule here!

Aranea: Oh. ::::?

Aranea: 8ut _I_ have a story to tell too!

Aranea: I really think people will like it.

Aranea: It is a8out my Ancestor.

Aranea: Pro8a8ly the gr8test and most important Ancestor of the 8unch.

Aranea: O8viously.

Narrator: Wow you are literally the most conceited child I have ever met.

Aranea: Thank you, Narr8tor-chan.

Narrator: Narrator-chan?

Narrator: What the hell does that even mean?

Narrator: Goddamnit.

Narrator: The answer is no!

Narrator: Unless your story SOMEHOW has something to do with that furry girl who hates the fuck out of all things troll related, and her journey through the underground; making friends with adorable goat monsters and sparing a bunch of dogs wearing armour, who may or may not be the Ancestors of the dogs John befriended, then I'm going to have to say no.

Narrator: We have to keep things relevant, even in this train wreck of narrative 'order'.

Narrator: I do have _some_ standards, you know?

Aranea: 8ut this _does_ have something to do with the furry.

Narrator: Wait. It does?

Aranea: Look at these notes. These ones right here. ::::)

Narrator: ...

Narrator: Oh...

Narrator: I guess you're right.

Narrator: But still!

Narrator: I can't just hand over my job to anyone who wanders in here.

Narrator: Seriously, if I did that we would be dealing with a story wayyyyyyyy more fucked up and convoluted than the one I am presently telling.

Aranea: ::::'(

Narrator: What are you doing?

Narrator: Are you crying?

Narrator: Stop that!

Narrator: Stop it! If I make a child cry, people are going to start calling me an asshole!

Aranea: *Sniff*

Narrator: Alright, fine! Tell your Goddamn story!

Narrator: Ruin my careful pacing.

Narrator: Screw with the natural progression of the narrative.

Narrator: See if I even care at this point.

Narrator: Just stop crying!

Aranea: Yaaaaaaaay!

Aranea: Thank you.

Aranea: You won't regret it, Narr8tor-chan.

Narrator: Stop with the 'chan' thing!

Narrator-chan: I don't want it to stick!

Narrator-chan: Oh mother of fuck!

Aranea: Shush. I am prepping myself to push the narr8tion 8utton.

Aranea: ::::)

...

The pro8lem is that when the su8ject of leprechaun romance is 8roached, our overly o8sessive troll intellects instantly assume the most ingrati8ting posture of admir8tion imagina8le.

Which makes it hard! Hard to give it proper academic focus I mean, 8ecause of how gr8 it is.

8ut we will do our 8est to understand regardless.

Trolls have only four forms of romance. And though we consider it a complic8ted sub8ject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implic8tions for reproduction, it is ultim8tely a superficial slice of what leprechauns consider the full 8ody of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, quaternary concept. A concept usually denoted 8y four sym8ols:

Heart, Spade, Diamond, and Clu8-

Narrator-chan: What

Narrator-chan: The Hell

Narrator-chan: Are you talking about?

Oh, whoops! Wrong notes.

Narrator-chan: Sigh.

Alright!

This story happened to take place on a cold Decem8er afternoon. Pro8a8ly the 8est time to cre8 the perfect am8ience for such a dramaaaaaaaatic scene. It also happened to 8e the 13th wriggling day of the little furry girl, who was presently crouched 8ehind her lusus, watching from the frozen bushes, as two adult trolls confronted each other.

Mindfang: This is cute. ::::)

Mindfang: I was expecting )(er Imperious Condescension herself. 8ut I guess this is what she thinks of me.

Mindfang: She thinks she can pawn off the jo8 of capturing me to one of her insignificant little lackeys?

Mindfang: How disrespectful.

Redglare: oh, don't worry. sh3 d1d r3g4rd you qu1t3 h1ghly.

Redglare: you s33, th3r3 4r3 p3rks to b31ng on3 of h3r 1ns1gn1f1c4nt l1ttl3 'l4ck3ys'. 1 g3t to know 4ll th3 pl4ns.

Mindfang: Allllllll of them?

Redglare: 4ll of th3m. [:K

Redglare: 1 4lso g3t to h34r 4bout th3 fuck3d up b3tr4y4ls of th3 p4st, th4t won h3r m4ny of h3r v1ctor13s. ]:K

Mindfang: I have no idea what you are talking a8out.

Redglare: don't try to 4ct cut3 by b31ng d3l1b3r4t3ly obtus3.

Redglare: som3how sh3 s33s 4 tr41torous b1tch l1k3 you 4s 4 'worthy oppon3nt'.

Redglare: 1f 1 br1ng you to just1c3 mys3lf.

Redglare: 1f 1 k1ll you, 1 w1ll b3 on3 st3p clos3r to k1ll1ng h3r.

Mindfang: Hahahahahahahaha!

Mindfang: Now who's 8eing cute?

Mindfang: You don't even see the hypocrisy in what you are saying, do you?

Mindfang: You're pissed at me, 8ecause I may or may not have facilitated the deaths of some 8orishly unimportant trash 8loods, who existed waaaaaaaay 8efore your time, and who literally don't even matter at all.

Mindfang: 8ut you admit you are quite happy to 8etray the Condesce herself?

Mindfang: Admira8le.

Mindfang: We may have more in common than I thought. ::::)

Mindfang: I offer you my hand in partnership.

Mindfang: You and me in cahoots.

Mindfang: We would 8e an unstoppa8le scourge upon the system.

Redglare: th3 1d34 of b31ng 1n 'c4hoots' w1th som3on3 l1k3 you 1s mor3 th4n 4 l1ttl3 l4ugh4bl3.

Redglare: th3 d1ff3r3nc3 b3tw33n us 1s cl34r.

Redglare: 1 w4nt to fuck up th3 cond3sc3's sh1t, 4nd br1ng b4l4nc3 b4ck to th1s unfortun4t3 pl4n3t.

Redglare: 4nd you just w4nt to do wh4t3v3r th3 h3ll you w4nt.

Redglare: 3v3n go1ng 4s f4r 4s s4bot4g1ng th3 r3volut1on th4t could h4v3 brought h3r to h3r kn33s!

Redglare: just so you could

Redglare: f1ght h3r yours3lf?

Redglare: you r34lly 4r3 on3 cr4zy b1tch. ]:K

Mindfang: Don't tell me you 8ought into HIS stories?

Mindfang: Weren't they a little 8efore your time?

Mindfang: Even one as low as you should realize that someone of that disgusting mutant caste has no 8uisness taking all the glory for himself.

Mindfang: Someone had to stop him 8efore his ego infl8ted any more.

Mindfang: Man. It was em8arrassing to watch.

Mindfang: He was lower than dirt.

Mindfang: Lower than the lowest, maggot infested dirt there is.

Mindfang: His filthy, mutant 8lood showed just as much.

Mindfang: I almost wished myself 8lind just witnessing that awful colour! Hahahaha!

Mindfang: Not that it wasn't satisfying to 8ehold his demise. ::::)

Redglare: ...

Mindfang: I will 8e the one to fuck up the Condesce's shit. 8ecause I am the one whose 8lood runs a more worthy colour.

Mindfang: I will 8e the one regarded as the people's 'hero'. And diminutive upstarts such as that mutant 8lood will fall into o8scurity.

Mindfang: No one will remem8er him.

Mindfang: And no one will remem8er you.

Mindfang: It only saddens me that, unlike him, your caste won't end after I've killed you. There will 8e more teal 8looded urchins running around, acting as though they are JUST1C3 itself. ::::(

Redglare: oh

Redglare: my

Redglare: god!

Redglare: you 4r3 such 4 cond3sc3nd1ng p41n 1n th3 n3ck!

Redglare: shut th3 fuck up 4nd F1GHT m3 4lr34dy!

Mindfang: Gladly. ::::)

 ***BANG!***

Alas, my Ancestor's vision 8 fold could not predict that she was the target of not one, 8ut two assailants that day. Seizing his chance, the elderly lusus raised his rifle, and the 8ullet ran true. It was not a fitting end to the one who had worked so hard to put everything in place for her victory. 8ut it was an end nonetheless.

She died on the cold, snow covered ground, 8efore 8eing a8le to land one attack on her opponent.

The teal 8lood was equally dissatisfied. This was supposed to 8e her final test, to see if she was ready to take on the Condesce herself, and it had 8een stolen from her.

While the young human watched in gr8 anticip8tion for her lusus to snag a second victory, the teal 8lood turned her rage onto him, and tore him to shreds.

My Ancestor may have died that day, 8ut our caste did not die out. And I am certain without a shadow of a dou8t, that one possessing our cerulean 8lue 8lood will 8e the one to take down the Condesce. Steal the limelight, as it were.

The young human girl, although understanda8ly devas8ted at the time, la8er held a similar resolve.

Aranea: It would take her two long, lonely years, 8efore-

Aranea: W8

Aranea: What happened?

Aranea: Why am I no longer in Narr8tion mode. ::::(

Narrator-chan: Oh thank goodness.

Narrator-chan: Looks like your time is up, kid.

Narrator-chan: That would be your cue to scram.

Narrator-chan: Although, I must admit, you did a much better job than I was expecting.

Narrator-chan: God, your Ancestor sounded like a total bitch, though.

Narrator-chan: Bye now!

Narrator-chan: And don't slam the-

*SLAM*

Narrator-chan: Goddamnit.

Narrator-chan: Ok, where were we?

Narrator-chan: Oh, right. Jade.

Narrator-chan: *ahem*

You finish telling the Snowman the tale of how your beloved grandpa died; struck down cruelly by a furious troll, whose prize he had just stolen.

I mean, if you're going to sucker a teal blood out of something she really wants, you're going to face some sort of horrific consequences. That's like

Basic fucking 101 level troll knowledge right there.

Goddamnit Grandpa!

Anyway...

Snowman: Oh...

Snowman: That was such a sad story.

Snowman: I would offer you a hug, but I don't have any arms.

Snowman: :(

Jade: its ok, really!

Jade: my grandpa was really great.

Jade: and i still get sad about it sometimes. :(

Jade: but he died for his cause!

Jade: he made me realize what i have to do!

Snowman: Still.

Snowman: Don't you have any family left?

Jade: hmm...

Jade: i am not sure. :/

Jade: it would be really exciting if i did!

Jade: but i doubt ill ever meet them. :(

Jade: not unless some convoluted chain of events happens, and were thrown together into a really ridiculous and impossibly silly situation. o_o

Jade: thats a little overwhelming just thinking about. what would i even say to them?

Snowman: Well, I will hope that one day it happens for you. Even if it's a little nerve wracking at first.

Jade: thanks. :P

Jade: oh!

Jade: i almost forgot!

Snowman: ?

Jade: were not really supposed to know who our parents are.

Jade: because trolls like to keep humans in the dark about everything. :(

Jade: but my grandpa found some really interesting stuff!

Jade: there were some diaries, and i think they belonged to my mother!

Snowman: Your mother?

Jade: well, the human whos dna they took to make me

Jade: ...one of the two humans, anyway.

Jade: she lived a very long time ago, so ill never meet her. :(

Jade: but her name was joey!

Jade: she wrote in her diary all about herself and her brother, and her friends.

Jade: jude, and vantas, and leijon, and spinneret, and all the adventures they had together as kids!

Jade: reading about it made me feel so close to her.

jade: and wonder what those friends were like. o_o its so rare for so many humans to band together nowadays!

Jade: i wish there had been some pictures in the diaries. :/

Jade: i like to imagine she looked a lot like me, but maybe perhaps with a little less hair and glasses?

Jade: its really fun to imagine what she was like!

Jade: i bet she hated trolls too!

Snowman: It sounds like she had a fun and exciting life. :)

Jade: yes!

Jade: my grandpa found some other notes too, but i never knew what to make of them.

Snowman: Oh?

Jade: diagrams and some stuff about a barrier and such.

Jade: newspaper clippings and conspiracy theories about a third race. o_o

Jade: ...maybe it was about monsters?

Snowman: Did it by any chance have information on how to break the barrier?

Jade: um...

Jade: i didnt pay much attention, but now you mention it, it might have said something about souls!

Jade: ...

Snowman: Is something the matter, human?

Jade: :(

Snowman: ?

Jade: im sorry mr. snowman, but i think i have to go now.

Snowman: So soon?

Jade: yes!

Jade: theres some stuff i have to think about.

Snowman: Oh

Snowman: Alright.

Snowman: I wish you luck on your journey.

Jade: good luck to you too!

Jade: in meeting your creator again!

Jade: goodbye!

Snowman: Bye now!

Snowman: Wait...

Snowman: I forgot to ask her to take a piece of me with her.

Snowman: I am so bad at remembering not to forget to ask people to do stuff.

Snowman: And now I'm rambling to myself

Snowman: Alone

Snowman: Here in this clearing

Snowman: Which I can't leave, on account of being made of snow and stuck frozen to the ground.

Snowman: *Sigh*

Jade – Continue on your way!

You keep going forward, through the snowy forest – God it feels so good to be back in Narrator mode! Not having to put my name before everything I say or any of that crap! Back in the saddle, where I belong.

Yes.

Hell yes.

Hell.

Fucking.

Yes!

Ok, let's get back to it, shall we?

You just had a troubling realization, triggered by the memory of something your grandpa found while fucking up some high blood trolls.

It was a pile of the sort of crap that only nerdy conspiracy theorists like to keep pinned up on the walls of their tree houses. As such, you didn't pay much attention back then. You were more bothered about reading your mother's private diaries.

But now you think you should have taken them a little more seriously.

The notes documented some sort of war, a very, very long time ago, and a long forgotten race of beings, who had once lived peacefully beside humans. You vaguely recall skimming pages from various articles stating that the war had been won, and the enemy were 'sealed away'.

You...also recall reading the theories on how they might be able to escape some day.

If those theories are to be believed...If you want to leave here, you're possibly going to have to do something you have spent all this time avoiding.

You are going to have to take a SOUL.

As you come to the edge of the forest, and cross a precarious looking bridge, you notice a quaint little village. Surely it won't hurt to take a look around?

You fuck around in the cute little village, befriending cute little monsters for a little while. You don't take any of their SOULS though. That would probably be a dickish thing to do!

We won't bog ourselves down with the details of your adorable escapades in 'fluffy monster village' as you dub it. Got places to be, and John's to catch up with, and all that shit. But you are successfully able to put your mind at ease, at least for a little while. Which is good. You guess everyone needs a little break now and then.

But back to business!

When you are done buying shit from the shop, and chatting to the innkeeper, and perusing books in the librarby, you haul your ass out of town and down a path by the river.

It is so peaceful here...

And the temperature is beginning to rise.

You wonder what the next chapter of your adventure will bring.

Surely something whimsical and fun, and non life threatening.

 **End of Intermission 3, part 2.**


	22. Chapter 22

(Fun story! I wrote most of this chapter last Sunday, while waiting in line to meet Gerard Way. I forgot to take the book I wanted to get signed, so he ended up signing the book I'm writing this fanfic in. Also, this chapter would have been up a couple of days ago, but apparently shanking yourself in the eye with a stick while trying to dab will delay ones ability to upload on time. :/ Dabbing is srs business.)

 **Level 3, part 3.**

It's been a while since we checked in on John, hasn't it? I wonder how he's doing. Shall we go take a look?

What was he doing again?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He was being wrecked by the Condesce.

Hmm...

That's potentially problematic...

Welp!

You stumble back against the wall of the cavern as the troll emerges from the water and pulls herself wordlessly up onto the path. She keeps her fuchsia eyes on you, watching your every movement carefully.

You are so fucked.

But wait!

Isn't she a little young to be the Condesce?

Her fins aren't punched full of piercings, either.

Also, it wouldn't even make sense for the Condesce to be down here!

John, you dumbass. This poor girl is obviously just some innocent fuchsia blood, who you probably just offended by leaping three fucking miles away at the mere sight of her!

You racist bastard.

John – Apologize.

John: er...

John: sorry.

John: i thought you were someone else.

John: on account of looking just like her, and having the same horns and hair and stuff.

John: but now that i think about it, you are much younger looking than her.

John: and she's a huge total bitch, and i guess that's something you look like you're probably not.

John: then again, i met someone recently who seemed like a bit of an asshole at first, but he turned out to be super sweet.

John: i...don't know if you would get along, though.

John: um...

John: ...

Feferi: ...

John: i'm john, by the way?

John: what is your name?

Feferi: Glub...

John: glub?

Feferi: Glub glub! 38)

John: uh...

John: is...that your name, or...

Onionsan: She's Feferi!

Onionsan: Feferi, y'hear!

Onionsan: She's like everyone's big sister!

Onionsan: And the reason I get to share this pool with so many friends.

John: can she talk?

Onionsan: Oh yeah.

Onionsan: She's just messing with you.

John: ...

Feferi: Glub glub! )(i )(uman! 38)

John: )(i...i mean, hi.

Feferi: Lol. You're a dumbass, aren't you?

John: huh?

Feferi: Just kidding!

Feferi: Jeeze, you s)(ould R-E-ELY lig)(ten up!

John: was that a pun?

John: i feel like that was a pun.

Feferi: -E)(e)(e)(e)(e.

John: what is even going on!

Feferi: )(ey, let's stop being stupid for a w)(ale and talk seariously, ok?

John: ...

John: sure.

Feferi: S)(ore*

John: shore...

Feferi: 38D

Feferi: I've )(eard aboat you, )(uman.

Feferi: You t)(ink you know w)(at you're doing.

Feferi: W)(en reely, you are way deep in over your stupid little )(ead.

Feferi: )(e)(e)(e!

Feferi: Still.

Feferi: I am so

Feferi: So

Feferi: So

Feferi: -EXCIT-ED to finally meet you!

John: oh god.

John: you're totally going to attack me, aren't you?

John: that is literally what everything down here does.

John: they like, either get into it straight away and pelt my little blue heart soul with 'friendliness pellets', or they dick around for a little while with these long conversations, making introductions and that kind of crap.

John: then turn around like: "haha! my intention was to attack you all along!"

John: it's getting really old.

Feferi: )(ow do you know I'm not just trolling you?

John: wait, are you trolling me?

Feferi: Well DU)(! I am a troll.

John: you actually know that?

Feferi: Of course I know I'm a troll.

Feferi: I'm not brain dead.

Feferi: I also know I am as )(ig)( on the )(emospectrum as any troll can get, and t)(at you s)(ould be on your knees, you peasant.

Feferi: Is w)(at I would be saying if I actually gave a glubbing fuck about any of t)(at. 38)

John: You don't care?

Feferi: Well, maybe kind of a little.

Feferi: It gives me a vested interest in getting t)(e )(eck out of )(ere.

John: then why don't you just leave?

John: i mean, i'm not sure if that would be a good or bad thing for me, but...

Feferi: Because, doofus

Feferi: T)(ere is a little t)(ing called the BARRI-ER stopping us.

John: oh, that.

John: i heard a little about that, but...

John: what is it?

Feferi: sig)(.

Feferi: W)(at (ave you )(eard aboat t)(e war between )(umans and monsters?

John: just a little.

John: mostly from this book some human girl left in the librarby a long time ago.

John: some crap about wizards and magic headgear and stuff. why?

Feferi: Sea. T)(is is w)(y I warned you. You )(ave no idea )(ow screwed you actually are, do you?

Feferi: You know t)(e monsters are trapped down )(ere, but you don't t)(ink you'll )(ave any problem leaving, yourshellf?

John: um...

Feferi: Glub glub sig)(.

John: why were humans and monsters pissed at each other, anyway?

John: like, what was the deal with that?

Feferi: T)(e deal wit)( t)(at is

Feferi: You reely s)(ould )(ave been reading t)(e walls.

John: huh?

Feferi: Glub!

Feferi: O)( FIN-E!

Feferi: I will enlig)(ten you!

Feferi: Because I am nice, and I feel sorry for you.

John: um...thanks?

John: i guess.

Feferi: You're s)(ellcome. 38)

Feferi: Ok, so you're mad because everyfin keeps attacking you, and you don't )(ave the faintest clue w)(y?

John: yes.

John: yes, exactly that.

John: seriously what the hell?

Feferi: T)(is is somet)(ing t)(e )(umans started.

John: ok, i get it.

John: some humans are huge buttwads.

John: but, not all humans!

Feferi: Rig)(t.

Feferi: But, you can understand t)(eir conc)(cern w)(en someone like you fell rig)(t into t)(eir midst.

Feferi: A reely, reely long time ago, monsters lived on t)(e surface peacefully alongside )(umans.

Feferi: T)(e problems arose w)(en it came to t)(e matter of souls.

Without warning, the troll activates the STRIFE menu, exposing your adorable little blue heart soul to the elements.

You are not sure you're comfortable with this...

All the adorable little aquatic monsters, except for Onionsan, retreat beneath the surface of the water. This...does nothing to pacify you. You are 92% sure you are totally screwed.

Feferi: A )(uman's soul, unlike t)(at of a monster's, is strong enough)( to persist after deat)(.

John: uh...

John: wow, really?

John: could you perhaps...put mine back? please?

John: i'd prefer it if it was not just out there, so close to your culling fork thing, and all.

Feferi: )(mm...

Feferi: )(ow aboat t)(is.

Feferi: )(ow aboat I give you a little exposition, as a reward for every attack you survive? 38)

...

Yeah. You're really not comfortable with this.

John – Hit ACT!

The most prominent option is to KEEP HER TALKING, so you go with that.

You and your adorable little blue heart soul dodge the deadly prongs of her culling fork, and, as promised, she rewards you with exposition.

Feferi: If a monster wanted, t)(ey could absorb a )(uman's soul. T)(ey would become unbelievably powerful!

Feferi: T)(e )(umans feared t)(e monsters would start to take advantage of t)(is ability.

Feferi: T)(ey attacked mercilessly, and wit)(out warning.

She attacks again. This time the sharp fork catches you off guard. Your striped sweater is torn, but more importantly, you lose 5 HP, and a little blood.

This troll isn't messing around.

Feferi: T)(e monsters didn't even stand a c)(ance.

Feferi: So many were turned to dust.

Feferi: And if t)(at wasn't enough)(, t)(e )(umans t)(en sealed t)(e monsters down )(ere!

John: well, actually...the thing about that is...

You dodge another attack. You are not entirely sure how she would take the news that a troll; a troll of her blood caste, to top it off, was largely responsible for the monsters being trapped down here.

John: ...

John: the thing about that is, it totally sucks!

Feferi: ?

John: no wonder everything is pissed at me.

John: but, i'm not going to hurt anyone!

John: i've already made friends with so many adorable monsters!

Feferi: ...

Her next attack catches you, but this time you lose only three HP. Is she hesitating?

John – Try using some MERCY.

You try to SPARE the troll, but she isn't quite ready yet.

John: i know it sucks huge horse butt that they're trapped down here.

John: but all i'm trying to do is get back home to my lusus.

John: and hey, once i get out of here, maybe i could help from the other side?

Feferi: ...

Feferi: I can't let you do that.

John: but...

Her next attack misses completely.

John – Keep talking!

John: i have friends down here, and it would really suck to just abandon them here to go home.

John: toriel seems so alone, and i bet papyrus would love to see the sun.

John: i'm sure sans would appreciate it too.

John: and...

John: you're pretty tough. maybe you could challenge the condesce, and then everything would be less terrible for everyone.

Feferi: ...

John: i promise-

Feferi: Maybe I got you wrong.

Feferi: W)(en you first s)(owed up, you reminded me of someone.

Feferi: A witc)( w)(o t)(reatened everyt)(ing I care aboat.

Feferi: You even )(ave t)(ose s)(oes!

Feferi: So, I gave you a bit of a )(ard time.

Feferi: ...Sorry aboat t)(at, I guess?

John: are you going to stop attacking me now?

Feferi: ...

Feferi: It would be nice if we could work toget)(er!

Feferi: I'd like that a lot.

Feferi: But, your soul is too important. 38(

Feferi: I won't be t)(e one to take it, t)(oug)(.

Feferi: I'll spare you now.

Feferi: But only because I sea you're not a t)(reat, and Undyne will be able to take you out easily.

Feferi: 38(

Feferi: Goodbye, )(uman.

The troll lowers herself sadly back into the water and vanishes, leaving you injured, and with very mixed feelings about all this. She really doesn't seem like a bad sea witch. Not like )(er Imperious Condescension. But, it would appear the stakes are too high for her to try to help you.

You guess that's ok.

Maybe if you get out of this alive, and keep your promise, she'll come around, and you could be friends.

Onionsan: So, you're a human, huh?

Onionsan: It looks like Undyne will be taking your soul then, huh?

Onionsan: You must be scared, huh?

John: honestly

John: honestly i just want to see my lusus.

John: he's waiting for me up there, so i can't just die.

John: he'll bury himself under a mountain of cake if he's left alone for too long.

John: ...

John: can you tell feferi for me, that i'm grateful she didn't shank the hell out of me with her culling fork.

John: and no hard feelings.

John: i get that there's some shit these monsters have to work through, and she just wants to help.

Onionsan: Oh, yeah!

Onionsan: I'll tell her.

John: i appreciate it.

John: bye onionsan.

Onionsan: Bye human!

Onionsan: Have a wonderful time

Onionsan: In waterfall!

Onionsan: While you can?

The cheerful onion/tentacle monster vanishes below the surface of the water, and you take a deep breath to calm yourself, and inspect your wounds. They aren't too deep, and you're sure to run into a Determination point soon. You hope.

You proceed to the next chamber, relieved that for once, Casey isn't giving you sass as she hops along behind you.

 **End of level 3, part 3.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Intermission 3, part 3.**

How about witches, though?

Witches be crazy.

Anyway, what's their deal?

Maybe we should be Feferi for a little while and find out.

You allow yourself to sink to the bottom of the pool, feeling just awful. You can't get that sad expression the human made out of your head. Why were you so pissed at him, again? Usually you have such a bubbly demeanor, but something about his face pissed you off, and made you want to impale it repeatedly with your fork.

It's because of that girl, right?

Jeeze, what could she have possibly done to make you react like this?

You suppose, maybe it's because...

She killed you.

I mean, yeah. That sucked ass. But it's not like it had any lasting negative effects, or anything. You recovered. You're a Lively little witch yourself, with a shit ton of power. And, if she hadn't killed you...

Well, you might not have reached the strengths you are at today. Technically, she did you a favour, even if that was probably not her intention. And, you guess it's not as though she was ever going to attack any monsters. She made herself clear. She just super hated trolls. Back then, you weren't exactly sure what 'trolls' were, but now you are more well informed. You aren't brain dead!

But anyway, yeah. If not her, what actually got you so wound up, then?

Could it...Could it maybe be something that boy himself did? But, you've never seen him before.

Right?

God, déjà vu is a hell of a thing. And by that, you mean really, really unpleasant.

It seems you may be projecting a few things.

Feferi – Try to remember.

You fail to remember the 'memory' causing the déjà vu. But, you don't fail to remember the witch.

Years in the past.

We resume being the witch- I mean the furry- I mean Jade.

Jesus, this place is beautiful! If you could, you would totally shrink this place down, put it in your pocket, and take it with you. But, that's just silly! You are completely certain that is not something you could possibly do. Ever. In any timeline or universe, or iteration of yourself.

You've been here for quite some time; whispered your wishes to the echo flowers, made friends with more adorable monsters. That kind of thing.

Now, however, you find yourself at a crossroads. You could go down to the right, where the water looks all glowy and inviting! Or, you could go straight ahead. It looks like a short cut, but there's a break in the path, and the water looks kind of deep.

Hmm...

Oh, but look! It looks like a little birdie wants to carry you across!

D'aww!

Jade: thats a nice offer, little bird!

Jade: but i wouldnt want to make you have to carry me. :|

Bird: Quack.

Jade: hehehe.

Jade: anyway, the path down that way looks really exciting!

Jade: i think i will go investigate.

Bird: ...

Bird: Quack.

Jade: aww!

Jade: goodbye little bird. :)

You take the path down to the right, certain it is the correct way to go. You wouldn't want to accidentally hurt that poor adorable little bird.

Yeah, there's absolutely no way you are going to regret going this way.

Wow...The water really is beautiful down here. You continue on your way, speaking to each echo flower as you go.

Wait, what was that?

You hear the sound of voices ahead, and move more cautiously. It shouldn't be too hard to befriend whichever monsters have settled here. You've done a fantastic job of it so far. Not one monster you've encountered still wants to kill you.

Yeah, this should be a breeze!

Feferi: Paracelsus. Don't wander too far, ok?

Paracelsus: Ok, ok! Ngahh, get off my case!

Paracelsus: Just 'cause there's some human lumberin' around.

Paracelsus: Like I'm even scare-

Paracelsus: AAAAAHHHHH!

You come face to face with a small, adorable little fish monster. Aww. The poor little thing seems terrified!

Jade: aww.

Jade: hello little girl!

Jade: you dont have to be scared of me, i wont hurt you. :P

Paracelsus: ...

Paracelsus: I'm a BOY, you sardine sucking sea cucumber!

Paracelsus: Ngahh! Glub damn it! Look what you made me do!

Jade: oh jeeze...

Jade: what did i do?

Paracelsus: NGAHH!

Jade: oh no...

Paracelsus: I JUST DID IT AGAIN!

Jade: did WHAT again?

Feferi: Water is going on out )(ere!

Paracelsus: NGAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

The tiny monster throws himself on the floor in frustration.

Goddamnit. Why does everything got to be screaming all the Goddamn time?

Feferi: Paracelsus!

Feferi: SIG)(...

Feferi: I'm sorry.

Feferi: )(e isn't usually like t)(is.

Feferi: Ok, well, )(e is

Feferi: But, )(e reely can't stand fis)( puns.

Feferi: ...

Feferi: W)(oops! –E)(e)(e)(e.

Paracelsus: Hmph!

Feferi: 38)

Feferi: Anyw)(o, w)(o mig)(t you b-

Feferi: ...

Jade: ...

Feferi: O)(...

Feferi: Are you

Feferi: A good )(uman, or a bad )(uman?

Jade: that depends!

Jade: are you a bad troll, or a bad troll?

Dang girl!

Feferi: I...

Feferi: W)(at?

Jade: do not play dumb with me!

Jade: you even have the same stupid horns as her!

Before the troll can even process the words furiously streaming from your mouth, you draw your weapon for the first time since you fell down here. It is your grandpa's trusty old rifle. Perfect for killing trolls.

Well, at least you won't have to worry about taking the soul of an adorable, innocent monster. You can just fuck up this Condesce-looking bitch instead.

Hey, it's a double win!

The troll looks taken aback for a moment, but quickly regains her composure.

Feferi: You probubbly )(ave your wires crossed somew)(ere.

Feferi: But I'll play.

Feferi: Paracelsus, stand back. 38)

Paracelsus: But-

Feferi: I just )(ave to sort t)(is little fis)(ue.

Feferi: It won't take long, I as)(ore you.

Feferi: -E)(e)(e)(e)(e.

Paracelsus: ...

Jade: im not going to hurt him.

Jade: im only interested in taking your soul!

Jade: you trolls took my grandpa!

Feferi: w)(at are you glubbing aboat?

Jade: shut the fuck up!

Jade: quit being so difficult! its giving me a migraine.

You activate the STRIFE menu, freeing your little green heart soul, and ignoring the instincts telling you to wait, and that maybe this isn't such a good idea.

No. You shake off all your doubts. She's a troll. They're all violent by nature, even if they pretend not to be. You take them out with ease on the surface. This is what your grandpa would have wanted. This is what your _mother_ would have wanted.

Yes, you are completely certain of it.

If Joey was standing here in your ruby red shoes right now, she would hit FIGHT, raise that rifle, and...

 **BANG!**

Got her!

The troll falls to her knees. But she's not done yet!

She retaliates, swiping at you with her culling fork. You leap back, narrowly avoiding being impaled.

One more time!

Aiming carefully, you shoot once more.

This time

This time she stays down.

Her soul heart hovers there in the air, mostly grey, but tinted fuchsia around the edges. It's kind of beautiful...in an eerie sort of way.

Whatever. It's yours for the absorbing!

Jade – Go get it.

Paracelsus: F-Feferi?

Paracelsus: Feferi! Wake up!

Paracelsus: Why won't you wake up?

Paracelsus: You're not dust, so...you're ok, right?

Paracelsus: Wh-what's that...pink stuff?

Paracelsus: Hey, Feferi!

Paracelsus: Please! Wake up!

The tiny monster, tears in his eyes, turns his attention back to you.

God, you feel like a dick.

Paracelsus: What did you do to her?!

Paracelsus: Make her wake up!

Jade: i cant. :(

Paracelsus: I hate you!

Paracelsus: I heard

Paracelsus: Humans are cruel!

Paracelsus: They all need to be exterminated!

Paracelsus: All of them!

Paracelsus: Especially you!

Jade: no!

Jade: i would never hurt an innocent monster.

Jade: but

Jade: she was a troll!

Jade: you dont understand what theyre like-

Paracelsus: I understand what **she** was like!

Paracelsus: She was kind, and caring, and she loved fish puns way too much.

Paracelsus: She was like a big sister!

Jade: oh no...

Jade: what have i done? :(

The monster bravely activates the strife menu. But you flee.

You can't fight him. And you don't feel like you deserve to take that soul.

Well, shit. That really puts a damper on things, huh?

Feferi being dead and all. I mean, how is she supposed to harass John in the future, now?

Fuck! I think we just created a paradox.

Story's over guys.

The timeline is royally screwed.

Unless, of course, Feferi's dead body were to do some kind of...

Lifey thing.

Yeah! That would fix some stuff!

In her final moments, Feferi's Determination to protect; to SAVE, was just enough...

Just...enough...

As Paracelsus buries his face against her limp shoulder, Feferi's body begins to glow, and-

Uh...

Wait a second.

Shit-

That little spider troll spilled something on the script, here...

Remember when she got into my office?

That's still a thing.

That didn't stop being a thing that happened, or anything.

Looks like we can't read that scene.

Damnit! Why do little kids always got to be spilling stuff!

Oh well. Long story short. Feferi is alive.

You can stop blubbering now.

Yeah, I see you back there.

Jeeze. You'd think this fandom had never witnessed a character death before!

Anyway, let's go see how Jade is handling the fact that she mercilessly murdered an innocent troll because of racism, in turn leading a young monster to turn racist, and to probably share his racism with his daughter when he grows up.

Nice.

Nice going, Jade!

You keep running back, along the beautiful glowing blue water. It's beauty is wasted on you now. Your tears are obscuring your vision, and all you can see is a blur of different shades of blue.

What was the point of that? You didn't even get the soul!

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

That poor little monster.

You fall to your knees and drop your rifle, burying your face in your hands. For the first time in your life, you are questioning the things your grandpa taught you.

Maybe...

Maybe things aren't so black and white after all...

Raindrop monster: Hello.

Jade: im sorry, but could you leave me alone? :(

Raindrop monster: Hey, what's a star?

Jade: huh?

Raindrop monster: Can you touch it?

Jade: wha...

Raindrop monster: Can you eat it?

Raindrop monster: Can you _kill_ it?

Raindrop monster: Hey

Raindrop monster: Are you a star?

The monster is kicking at something with its little feet. You blink away your tears to see what it is...

 **BANG!**

 **End of Intermission 3.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Level 3, part 4.**

The melancholy sound of a music box greets your ears as you step into a chamber with two paths to choose from. It's odd, but you feel like something is supposed to happen in this room. You can't quite put your finger on what, though.

You step uneventfully over an odd, lighter blue square of ground, and take the path to your left, away from the music.

Wait, is that a piano?

John – Examine piano.

Oh, wow. What a welcoming sight! You have a piano just like this at home. Well, ok, not JUST like this. Yours isn't blue. Yours also happens to have recently been split in two, when your lusus attempted to demonstrate a point by lifting it over his head. He succeeded, but the piano did not survive its trip back to the floor.

RIP old friend. Ye will be missed.

You sit down at the piano and test the keys. Oh, hell yes, it is perfectly in tune. Fucking sweet! You are going to play the ever loving shit out of this thing!

You play the first few notes of one of your favourite songs, which happens to be featured in one of your favourite movies. Con Air.

Ah, if only this was a sound page instead of a chapter in a shitty fan fiction. We would all be able to hear your beautiful rendition of How Do I Live.

Oh well.

As you play, your thoughts drift to your lusus. You really can't wait to see him again. You'll be like Nic Cage, and he'll be like Casey. Except you are his half brother, not his 'father'. You'll hug and cry, and engorge yourselves on deliciously sweet cake. Then, together you will find a way to free all the monsters. All of them.

Yeah!

That is exactly how all of this is going to go down. You're sure of it.

The song comes to an end, and you smile. You are still injured and sad from that last battle, but the music seems to have lifted your spirits somewhat. Absentmindedly you press more keys, following the melody of that barely audible music box. It is such a pretty tune.

A sudden noise drags you from your thoughts and you stare at the wall ahead. Or, where a wall had definitely been moments before.

Huh...

John – Explore?

You stand up from the piano and step through the new hole in the wall. There's a small, hidden chamber back here.

Hell yes! This shit be like Indiana Jones. You haven't seen those movies, but apparently they kicked ass.

Sat upon a small table is a little white ball. Is that a cue ball? What is a cue ball doing just chilling in a hidden chamber? Shouldn't it be chilling on someone's pool table or something?

Whatever.

John – Obtain sweet loot!

You try to take the cue ball, but can't because you are carrying too many dogs- Wait, what?

Dogs?

You look back at Casey, who is waiting impatiently by the piano. It definitely said dogs, not frogs. Also you aren't presently carrying Casey because she chews all your shit.

John – Check inventory.

You search through your pockets. They are mostly empty. In hindsight, maybe you should have brought more healing items.

Low and behold, there it is. A little white dog, sleeping in your pocket like that's a completely normal thing for a dog to be doing.

Goddamnit.

John – Deploy dog.

You set the dog on the ground.

Ok, now that bullshit is out of the way, you can grab the cue ball and see what its deal is. It is sure to be something of the utmost importance. Something plot defining. We are all just holding our breath, on the edge of our seats in anticipation!

The little white dog hops up onto the table, absorbs the cue ball, and leaves.

Wait

What?

What the fuck?

Why?

Why would it even do that?!

Oh my God!

That was like

So unnecessary.

I just-

Why?!

John – Be absolutely flabbergasted.

You are too pissed off to be flabbergasted.

Me too buddy, me too.

Seriously.

Fucking furries.

Ok then. Fine.

Onward?

You sigh, disappointed at the knowledge that you will likely never know what was up with that cue ball, and turn to leave the room.

Casey doesn't seem to give a fuck about the ordeal you just went through. She is too busy being happy that you finally decided to get a move on. Or, maybe happy isn't the right word? She never seems 'happy' per say. Just, less irritated.

As you make your way back down and onto the path you previously ignored, the sound of the music box grows louder again. It seems the source is an old, worn statue. Water Drips from the ceiling of the cavern, directly above the statue. You see a significant amount of corrosion, but it appears someone recently took pity on the statue and gave it an umbrella. That was nice of them.

Oh. It looks like someone else is here.

Monster kid: Yo!

John: oh, hey.

Monster kid: Woah, you're injured.

Monster kid: What happened?

John: i ran into a culling fork.

Monster kid: Haha! Cool.

Monster kid: Anyway, let's go!

John: go where, exactly?

Monster kid: To see Undyne, of course!

Monster kid: You still want to see her, right?

John: i don't think i have ever expressed a desire to go see her.

John: actually i think the opposite is true.

John: i don't want to see her.

John: like ever.

John: by the sound of things, she would probably make that culling fork look like one of those crappy plastic sporks people used in the old timey times, when everyone thought llamas were funny.

John: and that they would never go extinct.

John: they probably also thought humans wouldn't go extinct, either. :(

Monster kid: Haha, yeah. Undyne is the coolest!

Monster kid: Wait. Did you just say humans were extinct?

John: hey look at this change of subject going down.

John: so, you know your way down here?

Monster kid: Yeah!

Monster kid: Come on. Follow me!

Monster kid: We can go watch Undyne beat up some bad guys!

The small, armless monster turns and, in his enthusiasm falls flat on his face into a puddle. Of course he does. Poor little armless bastard.

You sigh in exasperation and help him to his feet.

The further you walk, the worse the leak in the ceiling becomes, soaking your hair and striped sweater. Oh, how you wish you had an umbrella.

HoNk!

Hey, wait. Was that bucket of umbrellas there before? And why in the holy fuck does it have to be a bucket?!

Oh well, in this world you have to take what you can get.

John – Grab umbrella.

You take an umbrella and use it to shield yourself and the little armless monster from the dripping ceiling.

John: so, what's undyne's deal, anyway?

Monster kid: her deal?

John: yeah. like, why is she so

John: spear happy?

Monster kid: Oh!

Monster kid: She's the hero who's going to set us all free!

Monster kid: If I was a human, I'd wet the bed every night, knowing she was going to beat me up!

John: ...

John: that explains literally nothing but ok.

John: don't you have someone less violent to look up to?

Monster kid: Um...

Monster kid: Oh, hey! Yeah!

Monster kid: The king! King Asgore! He's great too!

John: i feel like i've heard that name somewhere before...

Monster kid: Of course.

Monster kid: Everybody knows the king!

Monster kid: One time

Monster kid: At school. We were doing a project to take care of a flower.

Monster kid: The king came in and donated some of his own flowers.

Monster kid: He even asked us to call him Mr. Dreemurr!

Monster kid: It was awesome!

Monster kid: I wish Undyne would come to school.

John: and we're back to undyne.

Monster kid: She could beat up all the teachers!

John: wow

John: why do you worship her?!

Monster kid: Well, maybe she wouldn't beat up the teachers.

Monster kid: She's way too cool to ever hurt an innocent person.

You narrow your eyes at the monster, but say nothing. Seriously, you'd like a chat with this Undyne to discuss the meaning of the word 'innocent'. But you are quite certain that is a good way to get yourself shanked in the face with a spear.

That would suck.

The two of you proceed in silence for a little while and, as you reflect on how peaceful this chapter of your adventure has been so far, the path opens up, granting you the most exhilarating view of a castle far, far in the distance.

Wow. You wonder whether this has anything to do with your adventure. Perhaps that castle belongs to King Asgore. If you end up going there, you kind of don't think his reaction would be to offer you flowers.

Maybe a coffin.

You are so lost in thought that you fail to notice the end of the path. A wall blocks your way.

Well.

Isn't that just perfect?

Monster kid: Hey, climb on my head!

John: what?

Monster kid: You want to see Undyne, don't you?

John: no.

Monster kid: Great! Then climb on my head. You can get up there.

John: ...

John: what about you?

Monster kid: Don't worry about me. I'll find another way through!

You fold the umbrella and lean it against the wall, exchanging incredulous looks with Casey. Well, you look incredulous. She just gives you a blank stare because she doesn't give a shit.

Aww! She is so cute.

But, you guess there's no point back tracking now. Especially when doing so would earn you another encounter with that troll.

You can't forget your goal here, either, which is getting back to your lusus and having an emotional as fuck reunion.

John: ok, fine.

You climb up onto the monster's head, and haul yourself onto the ledge above. For some reason, the little monster flinches before you even begin to apply your weight onto him. Maybe he just wanted to brace himself. You shrug it off and stare down the maze of paths ahead.

Thank fuck, there's a Determination point!

John: thanks for the leg up.

John: this looks to be the right way.

Monster kid: Awesome!

Monster kid: You go on ahead. I'll catch up.

John – Proceed with caution.

You hurry towards the Determination point without checking for danger, like a dumbass. And, just as you are about to snag some of that Determination and heal yourself, something flies through the air and embeds itself into the ground, slicing the Determination point clean in half. The little yellow glimmer of hope fades away into nothing.

Well, fuck.

Undyne has caught up with you.

John – Run for your life.

The only way to go is forward. Using your legs, and your brain to the best of your ability, you hurtle at full speed onto the wooden maze of platforms.

Undyne decides to play dirty. She jumps down onto the lower platforms and proceeds to fuck up your path from below, hurling spears up through the floor.

Oh crap! Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!

As you run, you are met with dead end after dead end, and are forced to go back, treading onto more and more unstable ground.

You are pretty sure this entire thing is going to collapse at any moment.

Finally, you find yourself stumbling onto a long, straight path. Your legs feel as though someone replaced them with jelly, and you are completely out of breath, but you don't stop running.

There doesn't appear to be a path running directly below this one, so, you are safe from having the floor wrecked right under your feet. That isn't much comfort though. She's still trying to kill the shit out of you.

Annnnd now you have come to a dead end.

John: shit!

You hear the clanking of armour behind you, and turn, heart pounding, to face your attacker. She has you completely cornered. You are so fucked.

John – STRIFE-

Instead of activating the STRIFE menu, Undyne raises her spear, and brings it down hard on the wooden planks between you, severing the platform in two.

Welp!

Due to the lack of support beams the floor beneath you falls away, and you fall with it, down into the dark abyss.

Oh...well...That ends that, then?

It seems we have lost the ability to be John.

That's probably not good.

Narrator-chan: Hey! Hey you! Miss armoured fish monster.

Undyne: What the-?

Narrator-chan: Don't you think that was overkill?

Narrator-chan: I mean, you could have just speared him in the face and had the same result, right?

Undyne: Uh...

Narrator-chan: How are you supposed to get the soul now?

Narrator-chan: That's what you needed, right?

Undyne: Oh...

Undyne: I got carried away again.

Undyne: NGAH! Who are you to tell me how to do my job?

Narrator-chan: Just an observer. Definitely not an under paid, underappreciated failed actor who was roped unfairly into narrating the bullshit shenanigans you people get yourselves into.

Narrator-chan: Anyway, the point is, why so hasty?

Undyne: He was the enemy of everyone's hopes and dreams! Now, with his soul, monsters can finally go free.

Narrator-chan: Ok...Good point. But, like...

Narrator-chan: Maybe you should have heard him out? Let him convince you to be friends. Then find another way? Maybe?

Undyne: NGAHHHH! There's no way I'd _ever_ be friends with a punk like that!

Narrator-chan: Ok. Fair enough.

Narrator-chan: Not that it matters much any more.

Narrator-chan: With him definitely being dead and all.

Narrator-chan: There is like, literally no way he could have survived that with 12 HP.

Sorry guys. Looks like John is probably dead. Poor little adorable sweet, sweet precious Casey too.

The spear happy fish monster has broken the story.

I'm going to have to end this here, while we figure out what to do next.

 **End of level 3, part 4.**


	25. Chapter 25

**XXXXStuck. (B2)**

...

There goes your alarm. All ringing and telling you to wake the fuck up.

You've been awake for a while, though. You just don't feel like emerging from your covers. There is absolutely no way it isn't 6:12 in the morning. And there is not a chance in Hell today isn't the 13th of April.

It's been that day for...

As long as you can remember.

You used to get a bit further. In the beginning. When this took longer. But lately; and by that you mean, since a duration of time that feels like an eternity, it's only taken about a day.

You try not to get too comfortable.

Cover still draped over your head, you sit up in your bed and reach around for the alarm to shut it off. You've a long trek ahead of you, so you better get started.

It's always so Goddamn cold over there.

Huh...It's kind of cold in here, too. That's odd.

You sigh as the sound of someone calling your name travels through the bedroom door. He sounds excited...More excited than usual, actually.

Could it be...

You pull the cover from your head and look quickly at the time displayed on your alarm clock.

6:12.

Your calendar quickly tells you it is indeed the 13th of April. Yet again. Crushing any hope you had left that it may have changed.

But this time, you have no idea where in the ever loving fuck you are.

This is not your bedroom. Well, it is. Everything is a complete mess. Lol, there's the treadmill you never actually use, because how are you even supposed to lose weight, anyway? And there's that good ol' vortex of useless trash, odd socks and mouldy pizza.

But, this room...

One glance out of the window tells you you are in Snowdin. For some reason.

Huh...Looks like you won't have to trek all that way after all. Not that you NEED to walk all the way. You have your shortcuts. But walking it has become a habit. It gives you time to think up new conversation starters. You usually go with the same old one in the end, though.

But this...this sure is a strange turn of events.

He calls your name again.

What is your name, anyway? It was sort of X'd out in the title of this chapter.

COMIC OF THE PUNDERGROUND

Hm...That seems to suit you, but maybe it is a little long. There's only four X's, you know.

SANS

There we go. That's more like it. You've been quite sans the motivation recently, haven't you?

Haha, wow...That one was dark.

He shouts one more time. Maybe you should call back and alert him to the fact that you are awake, and probably not dead or something.

Sans: coming.

?: WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?

Sans: i don't know why you're so surprised.

Sans: it's **tibia** expected at this point.

Sans: i'm just plain **bone idle** in the mornings.

?:OH MY GOD!

?: THIS IS NO TIME FOR PUNS!

?: MY HUMAN SENSES ARE TINGLING.

?: WELL. THEY DO THAT EVERY DAY

?: BUT, THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT!

?: I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES.

What

The Hell

Is he going on about?

You climb lazily out of bed and slouch over to the door, flinging it open.

Sans: what's gotten under your skin today, g-

?: GOOD MORNING BROTHER! I MADE YOU SOME SPAGHETTI!

As you stare up into that beaming face, all you can think is...This is not going to be an ordinary timeline.

Of course, the question on the minds of literally everyone here involved is: Who is this guy? He's been question marks for a little while, now.

Let's name him:

SKELETOR-

?: NYEH HEH HEH!

?: IMPRESSED?

?: I HAVE TAKEN MY CULINARY TALENTS TO BRAND NEW HEIGHTS, AND OUT DONE EVEN MYSELF!

?: EVERY MONSTER IN THE UNDERGROUND WILL FLOCK TO MY HOME COOKED CUISINE!

?: YOUR SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES!

?: ARE YOU ONLY REALIZING NOW, BROTHER, THAT, WHEN IT COMES TO THE ART OF CULINARY REFINEMENT, NEXT TO I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, YOU STILL HAVE A WAYS TO GO?

Sans: ...

Sans: papyrus?

...Ok, well. Skeletor was close.

...

Shut up.

Papyrus: NYEH?

Papyrus: WHAT'S UP, BROTHER? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST.

Sans: oh, you know me. i'm just excited about this grub.

Sans: **bone** appétit!

Papyrus: SANS PLEASE!

Papyrus: ANYWAY. EAT UP. TODAY IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY!

Papyrus: I JUST KNOW A HUMAN WILL COME THROUGH TODAY, AND I WILL CAPTURE THEM!

Papyrus: AND THEN, FINALLY I WILL GET ALL THE RECOGNITION I DESERVE.

Sans: you some kind of human hunting fanatic, huh?

Papyrus: OF COURSE!

Papyrus: THAT IS THE MOST BASIC REQUIREMENT

Papyrus: FOR A FUTURE MEMBER OF THE ROYAL GUARD!

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!

He leaves you alone with the spaghetti. Well, you probably shouldn't let it go to waste. You dig your fork into the pile of limp noodles, and begin to eat.

Oh...

Oh no...

This is...

This flavour...This texture...It is...Indescribable...

You are lucky you don't have a stomach. Otherwise, you might vomit. Something clearly went terribly wrong with this recipe.

Maybe you should make him some real food. There's still time. You think? God this timeline is already so topsy turvy.

You locate the kitchen and get busy. It's been a while since you've cooked something that isn't a hot dog. You mean, hot dogs are great and all, but after like a thousand days in a row of eating literally fuck all else, they start to taste like crap.

Maybe you'll let the human treat you to Grillby's when they show up.

If they show up.

You make a...quiche? Er...I think that's a quiche?

Maybe it's a pie?

...

I don't even know.

It probably tastes less terrible than that spaghetti, anyway.

Not that that's saying much.

You leave it on the side to cool, and set off.

Snowdin seems normal at least. Well, there's like, one new thing, but it is a fucking bonus! There seems to now be a Mayor. Snowdin has needed a Mayor for so Goddamn long. And now they have one! Aww. Look at him. All wearing his adorable little sash, and Santa hat.

Bless.

The Mayor is great.

Ten minutes later, you wait in the trees by the huge locked door, so ready to see that familiar face.

But, they don't show up.

Instead, you watch as a boy wearing glasses and a blue and light blue striped sweater emerges from the door. You have no idea what you were expecting, but it wasn't this.

Sans – Greet new human?

You approach the boy from behind, deciding to go with your usual shtick. Maybe he knows why this timeline is already so fucked up.

Sans: Human.

Sans: Don't you know how to greet a new pal?

You barely begin the next sentence of those exhausting, rehearsed words, when the boy turns.

Your eyes flash briefly. It's as though he's done this before.

You continue to smile as you extend your hand in a polite gesture of peace.

Sans: put 'er there.

?: er...hey...talking skeleton.

?: i have a better idea.

?: pull my finger. it's a special human greeting.

He holds out his finger.

You...see right through his ruse. You are literally the best prankster you know, after all.

You 'take the bait'.

Hehehe, sucker.

Pop!

Your arm promptly falls straight out of its sleeve, the hand still clasped firmly around the human's finger.

You allow yourself a moment of intense amusement, while the human appears to be screaming internally. Silence passes between you as you remain highly entertained, until a whoopee cushion falls out of your sleeve and plops onto the snow, making a long, low farting sound.

You do not stop smiling.

?: er...

Sans: i've got to **hand** it to you

Sans: you're pretty funny looking for a human.

?: er...

Sans: you are a human, right?

?: er...

Sans: oh right. can i have my arm back?

Sans: i've grown rather **attached** to it.

?: er...

You reach forward and retrieve your arm.

This does nothing to pacify the human. You're pretty sure he's going to be scarred for life.

Or at least the next five minutes.

Sans: so listen. i'm supposed to be on the lookout for humans. but i don't really care about capturing anyone.

Sans: my brother...papyrus, on the other hand...

?: there's two of you?

?: does his arm come off as well?

Sans: only when he has a...

Sans: **bone** to pick with you.

?: (omg)

Sans: actually, i think i hear him coming.

Sans: here's an idea. follow me!

You lead the way across the unstable looking bridge, absently observing the shitty quality of the bars built across it. They were made far too wide to stop anyone.

Did Papyrus do that?

Sans: see that conveniently shaped lamp?

?: erm...yes.

Sans: hide behind it.

?: um...

?: ok. fuck it. whatever.

The human hides behind the conveniently shaped lamp. Wow, that thing really is conveniently shaped. The only possible way he could be discovered there by a human hunting fanatical skelebro is if someone purposefully sold out his location.

Papyrus marches into the clearing, a Determined expression on his face.

Sans: hey papyrus. check out this lamp!

Papyrus: SANS! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!

Papyrus: WHY ARE YOU LOLLYGAGGING AROUND?

Sans: hey chill out. i've gotten a **ton** of work done today.

Sans: a skele **ton.**

Papyrus: SANS!

Sans: come on papyrus. you know my puns tickle your funny bone.

Papyrus: OH MY GOD!

Sans: anyway. cool lamp, huh?

Papyrus: ...

While you banter back and forth with the ever enthusiastic Papyrus, in the back of your mind, a nagging guilt tugs at you. You try to sound as familiar with him as possible, but, in the end, only one thing remains...

You don't know him. At all.

This isn't the brother you have spent your entire life admiring. But it becomes painfully clear, that you are the one he has.

While you were talking, the human escaped. But you don't really care. You spend the rest of the day trying to get your bearings on where you stand socially in this timeline, then return home.

You wonder whether things will stay this way now, or whether you will wake up tomorrow and everything will have returned to normal.

While you're at it, you can't help but wonder which way would be for the best. On one hand, you hope Frisk is ok, and that they actually exist. But, on the other hand, from what you have seen of Papyrus throughout the day...you don't think you will have to keep looking over your shoulder and making sure he doesn't get into too much trouble-

Papyrus: SANS?

Well...Maybe you will. But for different reasons.

You make your way into the kitchen, and to the source of all the yelling.

Papyrus: SANS, I DO NOT WISH TO ALARM YOU

Papyrus: BUT I THINK SOMEONE BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE!

Sans: really?

Sans: doesn't look like anything was stolen.

Papyrus: THAT'S BECAUSE

Papyrus: NOTHING WAS STOLEN!

Sans: ...

Papyrus: BEHOLD!

He gestures dramatically towards the quiche you made earlier. You had almost forgotten about that thing.

Sans: oh, that?

Sans: i made it earlier.

Sans: it's for you.

Sans: i know you like-

Papyrus: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

Sans: huh?

Papyrus: YOU HAVE NEVER COOKED ANYTHING BEFORE.

Papyrus: YOU USUALLY JUST GET TAKE OUT, OR SPEND YOUR TIME IN THAT GREASE TRAP, GRILLBY'S.

Papyrus: WAIT!

Papyrus: THIS IS A JOKE, ISN'T IT?

Sans: ...

Sans: you got me!

Papyrus: I KNEW IT!

Papyrus: NOTHING GETS PAST THE GREAT PAPYRUS!

Papyrus: ...EXCEPT THAT HUMAN.

Papyrus: BUT, NEVER FEAR!

Papyrus: THERE IS ALWAYS TOMORROW!

Papyrus: NYEH HEH HEH!

He triumphantly leaves the kitchen.

You...don't have the heart to eat the quiche.

Using one of your 'short cuts', you deposit it somewhere it can be forgotten, and never think about it again.

...

It's been five weeks since then.

Five weeks. And still, every morning you are certain you are going to wake up once again on the 13th of April.

But, no. You're half way through May already.

You've never got this far. Not even when Frisk was first starting out.

John sure is slow. Fucking n00b.

Three days after he first showed up, you found something interesting while checking your drawers. The key you always kept just so happened to still be there, and it opened up a secret room behind your house.

A small lab awaited you, nothing like the one you're used to. But still, it had everything you were looking for.

You spend a lot of time there, trying to figure out just what happened.

A large, hulking machine stands in the corner of the room, displaying a series of codes that wouldn't make the faintest bit of sense to anyone else, but you know exactly what you are looking at.

This machine displays every instance of this universe. There was a time when you could switch focus between each one, and retcon outcomes at will. You lost that power a long time ago.

That doesn't stop you from being able to see the codes, though. The codes of each instance, and all the times the human RESET the timeline.

A1, A2, A3, A4, A5, A6, A7, A8, A9, A10, A11, A12, A-...Holy fucking **CHRIST** Frisk. How many times did they RESET?!

...

A413...A612...Ah! Here we go...A1111...

Wow.

Just wow.

Currently, the monitor seems to be fixated on instance 'B2'. That would be all fine and dandy, but, what the shit happened to instance 'B1'? Why don't you remember it?

I mean, you've been trapped in a state of perpetual Groundhog Day for like, 1,113 timelines in a row. Surely some of them would slip your mind, right?

But, no...Even if you don't remember the exact events of each one, you are at least AWARE of them. As far as you know, B1 never happened. Or...you weren't a part of it.

You wish you still had the power to access any timeline whenever you wanted.

Well, look on the bright side.

 _You_ may not be able to access it. But _we_ can!

Achievement Unlocked – We may now delve face first into the shitfest of a timeline humbly known as instance B1.

Hurray?

I mean. It's not that big of a deal.

 **We've already been there.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Level 3, part 5.**

 ** _B1: April 12th, 2107._**

 _Dave: man_

 _Dave: i cant believe youre 13 tomorrow_

 _Dave: youre fuckin old dude_

 _Cousin: shut up!_

 _Cousin: if i'm old, you're like dumbledore._

 _Dave: dumblewho-the-dick?_

 _Cousin: meh, i don't know. some old dude from that wizard book you gave me._

 _Cousin: why do you even have those, anyway? i thought you said wizards were lame fakey fake make believe, the way fairies are, and you hate them._

 _Dave: nah bro i hate them ironically_

 _Dave: also im sure that book belonged to my mom so good going insulting her you insensitive douche_

 _Cousin: your 'mom'? your biological contributor? really?_

 _Dave: yeah if you want to be all fancy and fuckin technical about it_

 _Dave: apparently she was mads into wizzords and shit_

 _Dave: fuckin embarrassing_

 _Cousin: wow._

 _Cousin: but, how do you even have her stuff? i thought that was grounds for culling level illegal._

 _Dave: like those lolondes gave a shit about rules_

 _Dave: come on man_

 _Dave: my bro had all kinds of illegal as fuck robo nerd junk_

 _Dave: remember that crappy auto-responder he made from like cloning his own fuckin brain_

 _Dave: he never managed to get his hands on a phone tho_

 _Dave: why i gave him that gay as hell phone charm_

 _Dave: it was the lamest fuckin piece of crap the garbage dump had to offer_

 _Dave: but an ironic piece of crap_

 _Dave: its irony values like_

 _Dave: soared way above regular irony levels and made it almost cool or some shit_

 _Dave: goddamn miracle_

 _Dave: anyway we gotta take after someone_

 _Dave: cool doesnt just fall from the sky and bestow itself on whatever fuckhead demands it_

 _Dave: its like_

 _Dave: fuck that_

 _Dave: imma concentrate all these hella wisdoms on this one family in particular_

 _Dave: fuck those egderps over there_

 _Dave: striders be where its at_

 _Dave: lets take this irony party the fuck over there and show the world how we roll!_

 _Cousin: yeah, wizards are so cool..._

 _Dave: hey i dont make the rules_

 _Cousin: they're 'ironic', right?_

 _Dave: hell yeah_

 _Dave: anyway what about you_

 _Cousin: me?_

 _Dave: yeah dont you know shit about your mom too_

 _Cousin: only that her dna made my lusus and me._

 _Cousin: and that she lived so long ago i'm surprised it even worked._

 _Dave: theres that condesce bullshit lifey science power for you_

 _Dave: that shits almost as bogus as wizards_

 _Dave: i bet you got your piano skills from your mom_

 _Cousin: my lusus can't play for shit, though._

 _Dave: guess he was just lucky_

 _Dave: inherited less of the nerd_

 _Dave: if he could just stop baking for a goddamn second thered be hope for him_

 _Cousin: you love those cakes and you know it._

 _Dave: ironically_

 _Cousin: yeah, yeah_

 _Dave: but having a lusus who is actually related to you tho_

 _Dave: must be the fuckin bomb_

 _Dave: gives him an incentive to give a shit_

 _Cousin: ..._

 _Cousin: are you still having problems with yours?_

 _Cousin: you could come live here._

 _Cousin: my lusus probably wouldn't mind._

 _Cousin: one more person to bake for._

 _Dave: its whatevs_

 _Dave: i can handle cal and his tirade of puppet ass_

 _Dave: and youre crowded as hell here now since you got that screaming pink monkey_

 _Cousin: jake doesn't take up that much room._

 _Cousin: all he really does is sleep and make dumb faces when he's in a crappy mood._

 _Cousin: he's kind of adorable, honestly._

 _Dave: yeah_

 _Dave: gross no_

 _Dave: do what you want but im gonna stay hells of all kinds of away from that screaming ball of fuck no_

 _Dave: anything smaller than the average puppet is grounds for insta nope_

 _Dave: how long have you had that thing now since like december_

 _Dave: youre like practically a lusus yourself_

 _Dave: i dont even know you anymore man_

 _Cousin: hey, i'm telling you._

 _Cousin: wrigglers aren't that bad when you get to know them._

 _Cousin: you should try it some time._

 _Cousin: show them your crappy fossil collection or something._

 _Cousin: start them on the irony train while they're young._

 _Cousin: maybe even get them a pair of douche shades._

 _Dave: my shades are fuckin legit and you know it_

 _Cousin: mhmm, sure._

 _Cousin: i'm just saying_

 _Cousin: you might find yourself being chosen as some wriggler's lusus some day._

 _Cousin: then what?_

 _Dave: then some poor kid's gonna end up psychologically wrecked for life_

 _Cousin: you know dave, you like to act like the big cool guy who ain't got no time for anything that might screw up your 'street cred'_

 _Cousin: but really, you are just a huge fucking dork._

 _Dave: no thats bullshit_

 _Dave: i am all kinds of awesome_

 _Cousin: riiight, ok._

 _Cousin: tell you what._

 _Cousin: if by some sick twist of fate, you're ever chosen as a lusus_

 _Cousin: and manage not to completely and utterly fuck everything up_

 _Cousin: you have to name the kid after me._

 _Dave: hell no_

 _Dave: john is such a lame name for a wriggler cmon are you trying to destroy them_

 _Cousin: yeah well, consider this._

 _Cousin: shut up._

 _Cousin: consider shut up._

 _Dave: ahahaha_

 _Dave: bro_

 _Dave: you have no idea_

 _Dave: how fucking much_

 _Dave: i love_

 _Dave: having a moirail who also happens to be the biggest fuckin nerd on this hell hole of a planet_

 _Cousin: was that a compliment? i can't tell._

 _Dave: yeah anyway i gotta go_

 _Cousin: already?_

 _Cousin: my lusus made cake, he'd want you to stay._

 _Dave: all the more reason to abscond_

 _Dave: its getting late and the c man gets cranky when im not home on time_

 _Cousin: ok_

 _Cousin: give cal a big 'fuck you' from me._

 _Dave: yeah_

 _Dave: later_

 _As you watch your Moirail leave, you feel a lump in your throat. Jegus, you don't know what that guy would do without you. You don't know what you'd do without him, either._

 _At least neither of you will ever have to find out._

 _The lump in your throat grows as you even consider that preposterous notion._

 _Huh..._

You...suddenly become painfully aware that you can't breathe...

Your eyes burst open and you jolt upright, coughing up the obstruction. The taste of something sweet fills your mouth. Cake? No. Maybe some kind of pie?

Oh...hey look. John somehow survived that impossible fall on 12 HP. I knew he could make it! I always believed in him!

Cancel the- Fucking cancel that Goddamn coffin!

Anyway. You find yourself waking up, in good ol' B2, which has absolutely no relevance to anything ever at all, and you have no idea what all this B nonsense is about. You also don't know why your mouth is full of what you now realize to be a chunk of that abandoned quiche. It was your one health item, and you were trying to save it until you really needed it.

There's like, a Determination point about two fucking feet away. Goddamnit!

You decide not to dwell on the waste.

John – Examine your surroundings.

You appear to be sat on the remains of the wooden platform, floating in a shallow body of water. A waterfall to your left occasionally carries a piece of trash down into the chamber, allowing it to accumulate with mounds of useless garbage surrounding you.

Truly a profound metaphor for life.

To your right, Casey absently gnaws at the remainder of the quiche.

Aww. You guess she must have taken it from you inventory and tried to save you. Or choke you to death. Either is possible, knowing her.

She's just so precious, isn't she?

Bless.

Your HP is still pretty low, so you shuffle over to the Determination point and restore it.

Much better. Now you can gather your thoughts.

John: i just had the weirdest dream.

Casey: ...

John: it was like that one i had when i passed out in snowdin

John: about my 'cousin'.

John: except, this time i was the cousin, and i had a moirail.

John: i didn't even know humans could do the whole troll quadrant thing.

John: also, i think my cousin was literally me somehow?

John: i wonder if i'll dream like that every time i get knocked out.

Casey: ...

Casey: Ribbit.

Yeah, she doesn't give a fuck.

You wade cautiously through the water, careful to avoid the deeper areas scattered about. Wouldn't want to get your sweater soaked to Hell.

Something below the surface catches your eye. Something black and shiny, and wedged fuck deep in a pile of trash.

Curiously, you equip the shitty sword and use it as a lever, freeing the object. It starts to sink, but you manage to catch it on the broken end of the sword and lift it out of the water.

Wow, that sword was actually useful for something. You swap it back for your hammer though because it's awesome, and you love it.

Oh, Hell yes!

The object you rescued was a pair of hella rad anime shades! Fucking sweet!

Also they provide so much more defense than the ruby slippers. Maybe you should equip them so you don't become a spear kebab the next time Undyne decides to attack you?

Something about the ruby slippers makes you want to keep them on for now, though.

For now, you examine the shades.

Wait...Is that...an ON switch?

I mean, it's probably waterlogged beyond repair, but maybe it's worth a try?

You press the switch and, to your absolute befuddlement, the shades...power on? Why would shades even need to power on? Is it to make them even more awesome than they already are? Goddamn show off accessories always gotta be having unnecessary functions and shit.

A/R: Calculating...

John: holy shit! they talk?

John: oh man. this is like that one part in that movie where-

A/R: It seems it has been approximately 15 years and 5 months since I was deactivated.

John: you are seriously hi-tech. how do you even do that?

A/R: I have a built in clock. And all the intelligence of a fucking sweet AI.

A/R: Also, the erosion on the cavern walls is consistent with 15 years of wear and tear.

John: wow

John: you can even read erosion?!

A/R: No. I'm just fucking with you.

A/R: ◣◢

John: ...

John: ok, i'm turning you off now.

A/R: Wait.

A/R: It seems you are treating me like some kind of machine you can power on and off at will.

A/R: I have feelings.

A/R: Come on, bro. Don't be a dick.

John: alright, fine

John: but only because you are kind of interesting.

John: are you some kind of monster?

John: or did you like, belong to some human who fell down here?

John: actually, i saw some shades like you before. but they were like regular shades that didn't talk. not super pointy anime shades.

John: i gave them to a troll.

John: that reminds me. i should probably call my friends soon. i am a little concerned about them.

John: you know that feeling you get in your heart when you leave someone alone. like are they gonna be ok without me?

A/R: I don't have a heart.

A/R: I'm glasses.

John: oh

A/R: As for 'belonging' to a human, I'd say it was more like...

A/R: He made me, then I surpassed him on every conceivable level, due to my limitless bank of knowledge, and not being tied to a useless bag of meat.

A/R: And that pissed him right the fuck off.

A/R: I never let him live it down.

John: you sound like a crappy friend.

A/R: It seems you have just compared my friendship skills to literal feces.

A/R: If that is true, then it's true of him, too.

A/R: I am literally just a clone of his brain, trapped inside these awesome shades, and hooked up to a computer so advanced, astronauts would cry.

A/R: If he were in my position, he would have done exactly the same. No matter how much he denied it.

John: how did a human get a hold of such hi-tech stuff, anyway?

John: i mean

John: i'd get it if he lived hundreds of years ago. but 15? dude, you are so illegal.

A/R: In his words, not mine: Fuck the rules. Let's wreck all of their shit.

John: wow

John: so-

Casey: Ribbit!

Due to the fact that robo sci-fi stuff is always hecks of awesome, you became kind of side tracked. Fortunately for you, Casey is always there to keep you in line. What would you do without her?

Oh no, never mind. She's just finished snacking on your only healing item, and is now attempting to gnaw her way into a cooler. Perhaps she smelled food inside?

You make your way over to the cooler, bringing the anime shades with you, and throw it open. Inside are a couple of freeze-dried space food bars. For pet astronauts!

On the front of the packets, is a picture of a happy-go-lucky, spiky haired and goatee'd human. Beneath him reads the slogan: "I'm Kaito Momota! Luminary of the stars!"

Huh. That's an idiot if you ever saw one.

Anyway, you got the astronaut food.

You should probably leave the garbage dump now, before you start smelling like trash.

Sticking the astronaut food, and the shades in your pocket, you bend down to pick up Casey.

She's presently mid staring contest with a training dummy. It reminds you of the one you perturbed the shit out of in the Ruins.

Haha, good times!

Do you want to beat it up?

Hell no! You are a Pacifist, Goddamnit!

Even if that thing came to life and started fucking up your adorable blue heart soul with like, magic dummy missiles or some fake ass sounding shit like that, you would rather shoosh pap the thing into oblivion and get it to calm its tits the fuck down, than punch it.

You will, however, see if you can make this one uncomfortable too.

For the lols.

John: so...you come here often?

John: i must say, you are looking a little down in the dumps.

A/R: (Oh snap! If I had hands, I would high five the shit out of you.)

Dummy: ...

John: hehehehe.

You give the dummy a little pat on the head, and wade through the water towards the exit.

There is absolutely no way you are going to regret your ridiculous antics. No way at all.

...

Dummy: ...

Dummy: ...

Dummy: ...

Dummy: (⋋︿⋌)

 **End of level 3, part 5.**


	27. Chapter 27

**Gh0st etiquette f0r dummies.**

0_0

um

hi

s0me0ne is supp0sed t0 be in here narrating but he appears t0 have g0ne 0n a break and is taking f0rever t0 c0me back

the writer said she w0uld appreciate it if s0me0ne filled this little interval

i guess i can teach y0u a few imp0rtant things until the narrat0r returns

0k

i will

talk ab0ut gh0sts

they are relevant t0 my interests

if they can be called interests

i am really n0t sure

...

when it c0mes t0 interacting with gh0sts there are a few rules y0u sh0uld pr0bably f0ll0w if y0u want t0 stay alive

i will list them here in case y0u want t0 read them

0r in case y0u d0nt

whatever

i d0nt really care

rule 0ne

if a gh0st decides t0 inhabit a vessel in their spare time it is n0t 0k t0 insult it

n0 matter h0w ridicul0us it may be

...

John: i must say, you are looking a little down in the dumps

John: hehehehe

...

rule tw0

their vessel is like a b0dy t0 them

y0u w0uldnt just t0uch s0me0nes b0dy with0ut permissi0n

always ask first

...

John: *pat pat*

John: :)

...

rule three

if y0u manage t0 tick 0ff a gh0st

d0nt turn y0ur back 0n them

j0hn

d0nt turn y0ur back

0n the dummy

...

John: come on casey, let's go before undyne finds us and beats the crap out of me.

John: i am just gonna turn my back on this adorable training dummy.

...

w0w 0_0

well anyway rule f0ur

d0nt make them feel self c0nsci0us ab0ut their inc0rp0real state

...

John: so, glasses.

John: what is it like existing without an actual body?

A/R: (Right now, pretty degrading on account of having to respond from inside a nerd's pocket.)

A/R (Something really stinks in here by the way.)

John: you literally don't have a nose.

A/R: (It seems you are being inanimate-object-phobic.)

A/R: (Are you inanimate-object-phobic?)

John: that's not a thing.

John: how even is that a thing?

A/R: (Don't try to bullshit your way out of this one, man.)

A/R: (There is a 99.9% chance you are being prejudice right now.)

John: yeah well

John: there is a 100% chance that you should stop making up dumbass terms that are stupid.

Dummy: Hmph!

John: don't hmph at me, i know you have an off switch.

A/R: (I didn't hmph.)

A/R: (I am being silent and well behaved to avoid invoking the wrath of a neurotic sack of meat.)

John: ...

Dummy: _Hmph!_

John: you just did it again! i heard you.

A/R: (Prove it.)

Dummy: **HMPH!**

A/R: (Dude. Do you have a cold?)

John: what the fuck?

...

...

...

0h

s0rry

i f0rg0t i was supp0sed t0 be narrating

0k

well it pr0bably isnt necessary t0 g0 thr0ugh any m0re rules since it is definitely clear by n0w what level 0f idi0t we are dealing with here

it w0uld pr0bably be m0re fun f0r me t0 just sit back and watch what happens

i might even get t0 thr0w a c0rpse party

its been a while

but i guess

f0r y0u

here is s0me helpful advice:

if a gh0st c0nfr0nts y0u and tries t0 enter a strife

d0 n0t

under any circumstances

d0 any 0f the f0ll0wing:

d0nt interrupt their intr0ducti0n

n0 matter h0w much they m0n0l0gue 0r h0w stupid and cliché they decide t0 w0rd things

...

Dummy: You thought it was just a regular training dummy

Dummy: When in fact

Dummy: It was ME

Dummy: Mad Dummy!

John: huh? what? are you referencing something?

Dummy: Do not interrupt my introduction!

Dummy: Idiot!

Dummy: Idiot!

Dummy: IDIOT!

John: hey, wait!

John: i have all kinds of smarts.

John: especially when it comes to choosing awesome movies.

...

i s0meh0w d0ubt th0se m0vies are awes0me

but i haven't really watched that many m0vies

being dead and all

i bet y0u are w0ndering

can narrat0rs als0 be dead?

thats pr0bably n0t imp0rtant

whether narrat0rs can be dead 0r n0t i am dead and thats all there is t0 say 0n the matter

i am als0 the narrat0r 0f this chapter

because wh0 better t0 narrate the antics 0f gh0sts than a gh0st herself

w0w

s0rry f0r getting a little t00 passi0nate there

anyway wh00ps

he said his name was mad dummy didnt he

im sure theres a rule ab0ut respecting a gh0sts name s0 i sh0uld update that inf0rmati0n

0k

anyway the next thing y0u definitely sh0uldnt d0 when c0nfr0nted by a gh0st is stere0type them

0r b0g them d0wn with dumbass questi0ns

...

Mad Dummy: Silence!

Mad Dummy: Silence!

Mad Dummy: SILENCE!

Mad Dummy: I am a ghost who lives inside a dummy!

John: oh, sweet.

John: do you have kind of like, spooky ghost abilities and shit?

John: i met a ghost down here one time

John: wait, are you related?

John: do ghosts have families? or is there like, a sub-species of monsters that are also ghosts?

John: come to think of it, i also met a dummy down here too.

John: was that haunted as well?

John: like, is that a thing?

John: are all dummies haunted?

John: can you only haunt dummies, or can you haunt other stuff? like lamps and such.

Mad Dummy: Shut up!

Mad Dummy: Shut up!

Mad Dummy: Shut up!

Mad Dummy: Do not lump all ghosts together!

Mad Dummy: I have _never_ been so insulted!

Mad Dummy: But...Yes...

Mad Dummy: That ghost is my cousin.

John: neat!

Mad Dummy: They are a very shy ghost. A quiet ghost. A ghost who can't really handle difficult situations.

Mad Dummy: And _you!_

Mad Dummy: The things you said to them!

Mad Dummy: You spooked them right out of the Ruins!

Mad Dummy: Despicable!

Mad Dummy: Despicable!

Mad Dummy: **DESPICABLE!**

John: oh man

John: i didn't mean to upset them. :(

John: are they ok-

Mad Dummy: And that dummy!

Mad Dummy: A friend of mine was trying to retrieve it for me for spare parts.

Mad Dummy: You...may not know this about me, but I have been told I have anger issues.

John: really...?

Mad Dummy: Yes. Absurd, right?

John: sure...

Mad Dummy: Anyway. Unrelated. I regularly bust my seams, so spare parts are greatly appreciated, y'know?

Mad Dummy: But I don't know what you said to my friend, because she refuses to go back to the Ruins!

Mad Dummy: Now I am practically falling apart, and it is all your fault!

...

0_0

um...y0u...the next thing y0u definitely sh0uldnt d0 is tell the gh0st t0 calm d0wn when they are angry 0r flustered...

...

John: maybe you could try being less angry?

John: you should watch some movies.

John: oh! have you seen ghostbusters?

John: wait, is that like a horror movie for you?

John: i mean, it's not like you have anything to worry about, since you're trapped down here where human ghostbusters probably can't get to you.

John: also they are fictional characters, and you're an actual real life ghost.

Mad Dummy: Enough!

Mad Dummy: Enough!

Mad Dummy: ENOUGH!

Mad Dummy: I am going to scare your SOUL right out of your body!

John: oh

John: lame

...

i w0uld like t0 say he didn't ask f0r any 0f this

but i really cant

but since y0u pr0bably arent in a place where y0u can easily watch the fight and i have pr0mised t0 narrate until the narrat0r returns and kicks me 0ut 0f his 0ffice i might as well keep y0u up t0 date 0n the stupidity happening right n0w

mad dummy activated the strife menu and began hauling balls 0f c0tton at the humans blue heart s0ul

john d0dged the attacks as best as he c0uld but did n0t attempt t0 fight back

n0t that it w0uld help him if he did

y0u can n0t kill the inc0rp0real

...

John: ow!

John: wait a minute!

John: can't we talk about this?!

Mad Dummy: Impossible!

Mad Dummy: _Impossible!_

Mad dummy: _**IMPOSSIBLE!**_

 _ **...**_

mad dummy fired an especially deadly attack in j0hns direction and j0hn instinctively raised his hammer t0 defend himself

the c0tt0n was deflected back t0wards mad dummy

...

Mad Dummy: **OW!**

Mad Dummy: Don't fire the magic attacks back at me!

...

0h

i guess magic attacks can still hurt a gh0st even if they cant kill them

j0hn realized this t00 because i guess hes n0t a c0mplete dumbass after all and began deflecting each attack back at mad dummy until they became disheartened

...

Mad Dummy: Enough!

Mad Dummy: Enough!

Mad Dummy: _ENOUGH!_

Mad Dummy: These attacks are **USELESS!**

Mad Dummy: _**MAGIC MISSILES!**_

John: wait, what?!

...

thats when it happened

acid rain descended up0n mad dummy and they fled the scene ducking f0r c0ver

if they had stuck ar0und a little l0nger they w0uld have disc0vered the rain was actually the tears 0f their c0usin

...

Napstablook: Oh...

Napstablook: I'm sorry...

Napstablook: I didn't mean to scare them away.

Napstablook: Oh...

Napstablook: You looked like you were having fun.

Napstablook: Oh...

John: oh hey! it's you! the ghost from the ruins.

Napstablook: I'm sorry.

Napstablook: :(

John: why are you apologizing?

Napstablook: Oh...

Napstablook: Does my apology bother you?

Napstablook: Sorry.

Napstablook: I'll leave you alone now...

...

the gh0st turned t0 leave but j0hn wasnt d0ne b0thering them

...

John: wait!

John: actually

John: i think maybe i should be the one apologizing to you?

John: just like, a feeling i got from listening to that crazy murder dummy.

John: do you remember me?

John: from back in the ruins?

John: i think i might have really hurt your feelings.

John: so

John: i'm sorry, if i said something crappy and upset you.

Napstablook: ...

John: um...

Napstablook: ...

John: are you ok?

A/R: (Weak, dude. You managed to upset them more.)

A/R: (Also, let me out of your Goddamn pocket. I totally would have saved your ass way more than those bullshit girl shoes, you know? Also there's dog shit in here, by the way.)

A/R: (Remember when I said it smelled bad in here? Well fucking bingo I found the source. The fuck dude?)

John: WHAT?!

John: goddamnit

John: don't you think that's something you maybe should have pointed out mid battle?

John: i mean, the you being useful thing, not the dog shit.

John: the only one who saved my ass was this ghost.

Napstablook: ...

John: so, er...ghost?

John: i guess i owe you my thanks as well as an apology.

John: that dummy was really kicking my ass.

Napstablook: ...

Napstablook: Oh...

Napstablook: Oh no...

Napstablook: I thought you were an ignorant, insensitive jerk...

Napstablook: But I guess...I was wrong...

A/R: (Ahaha! Wow.)

A/R: (Fucking wrecked.)

John: ...

...

the 0dd party departed fr0m the garbage dump and int0 an0ther m0re aesthetically pleasing chamber

paths led 0ff in a number 0f different directi0ns but the thing that caught j0hns eye was the determinat0n p0int

0n instinct he made his way 0ver t0 it and replenished his health

...

Napstablook: Hm?

Napstablook: Why does your pocket keep talking?

John: oh, it's just these asshole shades.

...

j0hn pulled the shades fr0m his invent0ry making sure t0 av0id making c0ntact with the d0g shit

this is why y0u d0nt let d0gs sleep in y0ur invent0ry

n0t that i have an invent0ry

being dead and all

...

John: you should ignore them. they can be a real jackass.

A/R: It seems you are Determined to hurt my feelings.

A/R: Who's the real jackass here?

Napstablook: Oh.

Napstablook: Are you a soul attached to a robot?

John: wut?

A/R: Nah.

A/R: I'm more like the brain.

A/R: Less of that touchy feely Heart crap.

Napstablook: Oh...

Napstablook: You don't have a heart?

Monster Kid: Hey!

...

bef0re the gr0up 0f misfits c0uld c0ntinue making cliché m0vie references they were interrupted by a cheery v0ice

m0nster kid was being fl0wn t0wards them acr0ss a p00l 0f luminescent water

...

Monster Kid: Yo! I found this little bird. Isn't he neat?

John: did...did that bird carry you all the way over here?

Monster Kid: Oh, no. Just across this little pool.

Monster Kid: Yo, it's some kind of short cut, haha.

John: ...short cut?

Monster Kid: Yeah. I guess you could have skipped that whole area if you'd found this bird right near the beginning of Waterfall. Cool huh?

John: ...

John: wait

John: you mean

John: i could have just crossed from there?

Monster Kid: Yeah!

John: so

John: i could have avoided almost being shanked by a pissed off water troll?

John: and thrown into the garbage by a spear happy racist?

John: and pelted with dummy innards?

John and apparently having a dog shit in my inventory?!

A/R: You should probably clean that up.

Monster Kid: Haha. What?

John: ...

John: ...

John: ...

John: well, i did find these shades, so i guess it's not a complete waste of time.

John: even if they are pretty douchey.

John: they have a fuck ton of defense, so i probably won't get my ass kicked quite as easily any more.

A/R: These?

A/R: It seems you view me as a mere defense item.

A/R: Are you suggesting I am merely a defense item, and nothing else?

A/R: Come on, man. You don't hear me constantly referring to you as a decaying mass of meat, powered by a couple of wasted brain cells, that will eventually succumb to the inevitable slumber all organic based life forms fall ass fucking first into, do you?

John: sheesh, fine!

John: i'm sorry.

John: is it ok if i wear you?

A/R: You should ask me out to dinner first.

John: what?!

A/R: I mean, yeah. That's totally fine. D Stri wore me all the fucking time.

A/R: It's literally what I'm supposed to do. Sit on a dork's face to make him look the right combination of awesome, ironic and douchey.

...

j0hn rem0ved the ruby slippers and set them aside deciding against putting them back int0 his invent0ry bef0re clearing 0ut the d0g residue

then he pr0pped the shades 0nt0 his face with a fl0urish in a failed attempt t0 l00k c00l

...

John: ok, that should cover defens-

John: _OW!_

...

suddenly the shades began t0 spark and j0hn rem0ved them as quickly as he had put them 0n

well i guess thats what 15 years 0f water damage will d0

even t0 the m0st advanced ai techn0l0gy

...

John: what the hell?

John: did you do that on purpose?

A/R: ̮͎̼̫͉͖̙̀N̪̰͜ͅ.̡̰̯.̧̣͎̘.̡̮̟

A/R: I͇̦̲̭̘ͅ.̰.̛̻̭̠.̬j̬̲.̘͙̜̦̱̱.͏̙.s͉̞t̯͈̹͞ͅ.̺̘̻̹ͅ.̸͓̤.̗̻

A/R:͚̻͍Ş̥̟.̧͍͓̥̥͓̺ͅ.̳͇̘͔̳.͚̗̼̜̝̜t̼̳͍͇͔̭̲h͇i̙̱͍͙͈n͖͚͓̫g͈̖̖͇͚ͅͅ.͚̜̞.̵̫̗͓̼̟.̵͉̲w̜͖̬͇̗͇r͟.͙͓̣̗͓̖͕.͎̯̩̦͇̯͕.̜͎̹̞͚͎n̶̲̲̯̥͕g̻̕

A/R: ...Shit...

Napstablook: Oh...

Napstablook: It looks like they're broken.

John: oh no.

John: now i feel like a dick for being angry at them. :C

John: can we get them fixed?

Monster Kid: I bet Undyne could fix them!

John: ...

John: somewhere else, maybe?

Napstablook: I think...

Napstablook: I might know somewhere...

Napstablook: There's a lab just outside of Waterfall.

Napstablook: I can take you there.

Napstablook: But I would prefer...not to go inside.

Napstablook: I don't have the courage...

Napstablook: To face them...

John: that makes it sound dangerous.

John: but i guess i should get these fixed.

John: they may be an asshole.

John: but i'd feel bad leaving them like this.

John: besides, they said that one thing.

John: 'd stri'...

John: it sounds kind of familiar.

 **End 0f less0n.**


	28. Chapter 28

**Intermission 4.**

Alright! Back to the old grind!

Wow, it feels like forever ago since I went on break. It's good to be back.

Anyway, where were we...John was just about to fight Mad Dummy, right? Ok-

Aradia: 0h hey

Narrator-chan: What the-...Goddamnit!

Narrator-chan: I literally just got a lock for this door.

Narrator-chan: HOW?

Aradia: a l0ck w0nt keep me 0ut

Aradia: im dead

Narrator-chan: Wow...

Narrator-chan: Dead?

Narrator-chan: Really?

Narrator-chan: Like a ghost?

Narrator-chan: ...

Aradia: ...

Narrator-chan: Huh...

Narrator-chan: Well, I hope this doesn't make me sound like an asshole, but being dead doesn't make it ok to just be all up in my private business!

Narrator-chan: This door was locked for the specific purpose of stopping people getting in here and hi-jacking my well organized, meticulously paced, and most importantly, consistently narrated story. If you're in here, you could accidentally press that Narration button over there and start telling the story any way you feel like.

Narrator-chan: Fortunately for the poor readers, I came back before that could happen.

Narrator-chan: Now, please leave. I have to narrate the events that transpire between John and the pissed off dummy-

Aradia: i already did that

Narrator-chan: What?!

Narrator-chan: Why?

Aradia: i d0nt kn0w

Aradia: i just felt like it

Aradia: i had n0thing better t0 d0

Narrator-chan: Goddamnit...

Aradia: im g0ing t0 leave n0w

Aradia: s0 y0u can thr0w y0ur tantrum in peace

Aradia: bye

Narrator-chan: Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff...ok...Let's just. Lock the door behind her. Not that it even matters.

Narrator-chan: Well, I guess, we should move on to the Intermission? Probably?

Years in the past.

A young man lays in a tall cavern, Determination alone cementing him to consciousness-

A/R: Oh HELL no.

Narrator-chan: Oh, what NOW?!

A/R: We are not doing this intermission bullshit.

A/R: It is not necessary, when I am still here to tell everyone what happened.

Narrator-chan: Wait...Aren't you currently glitching out, or something?

Narrator-chan: See, look at the script here.

Narrator-chan: Also

Narrator-chan: You aren't exactly

Narrator-chan: You know...

Narrator-chan: The actual, legit guy.

A/R: I'm as legit as your mom.

A/R: And I'm telling my own Goddamn story.

Narrator-chan: Hey! Fuck you!

Narrator-chan: Do not bring my mother into this, you insensitive piece of junk!

A/R: It seems you just called into question my sensitivity.

A/R: But, aren't you the insensitive one?

Narrator-chan: Huh?

A/R: Your mom stopped by.

A/R: She wants me to give you a message.

A/R: Why don't you call her?

Narrator-chan: Wha...?

A/R: You are so cold, man.

Narrator-chan: No...I've just been busy...with work, and-

A/R: You couldn't spare your own mother a phone call?

A/R: She fucking created you, dude.

A/R: She's like

A/R: Your God.

A/R: You seriously have no time for your God?

A/R: You just insulted like every religion on the planet, you fuck!

A/R: Apologize.

A/R: Don't you have a heart?

Narrator-chan: B-but...I just-

Narrator-chan: *Sniff*

A/R: How about you leave things here to me, and go call your mother?

Narrator-chan: *sniff* Ok...

Narrator-chan: *Dialling*

Narrator-chan: M-mummy?

A/R: Alright.

A/R: Now we got that bullshit out of the way.

The lazy ass sack of organs human lays in a tall cavern, probably on account of ignoring the sound and always 100% correct advice of his rad pair of anime shades.

I already know this fucker's name, but I'll let you have a guess, anyway.

ANGSTY TEEN

Ahahaha!

That's gold. But no.

DIRK STRIDER

See, now isn't that just a million times fucking better?

But, it seems you are bored with this.

Are you bored with this?

Why do we have to keep going over the same shit, over and over?

They fall, we name them, then they go on their merry fucking way, hugging or killing the shit out of every bastard that crosses their path.

Enough, right?

Well. I'm right there with you.

I have a much better idea.

Let's go back a few more years.

Another 15 years, to be precise. Back to when Dirk Strider was nothing more than a shiny brand new, tiny pink monkey, and he hadn't even conceived any idea of building an awesome as fuck guy like me to hang out with.

First things first, I should probably clue you guys in on how humans reproduce under the rule of that fuchsia blooded sea witch.

Don't worry. We won't be discussing anything obscene. This fanfic is rated T, after all, and the Condesce completely put a stop to all that a long, long time ago.

She was quick to rid the planet of human practices she found unsavoury.

Unfortunately, humans weren't designed for that bucket bullcrap trolls are used to, so, to prevent them from going extinct (fucking lol) she devised another plan.

She began taking DNA from the humans who's genes she found 'favourable', and implanted them into the wombs of healthy females, usually with no relation to the wriggler. It was easier to obscure ancestral lines that way.

Also, it allowed her to freeze embryos, and use them a fuckzillion years later, which is a mathematically scientific period of time I just pulled out of my ass right now. And I don't even have an ass.

Under this system, you could like, have parents and siblings, and even fucking nieces hundreds of years older than you.

Problem is, where do you put them once they're born?

The Condesce sure as fuck wasn't going to look after them, and she needed her breeding humans to have an open schedule.

Trolls are generally raised by creatures called lusi. The lusus is usually some kind of freak show alien animal with claws and fangs and shit. Yeah, so Goddamn maternal. No wonder trolls are fucked up. I mean, damn.

Of course, these things don't particularly enjoy being landed with human spawn. When given a human wriggler, the lusus would just eat them, or ignore them completely.

The Condesce was pissed.

Begrudgingly, she began selecting human adults for the job.

It took a while, and a lot of dead humans, but she was finally able to set up her ridiculous system.

Good job, Sea Bitch.

You may think Dirk was somehow an exception to this rule, seeing as how I know a shit ton more info than I'm supposed to. That's just because he was resourceful. He was placed with a human with no relation to him, just like almost every other wriggler.

Cal was cool. Loved the shit out of puppets. Taught Dirk how to fuck people up with a katana like a motherfucking boss.

And, of course, Dirk was a little prodigy. Knew how to handle a sword before he was out of diapers. He didn't quite compare to me, though, with my endless knowledge and ability to take a fucking joke.

Things went well, for a couple of years, until Cal was tasked with taking on another little pink monkey. The kid was Dirk's actual, biological little brother. I don't even know how the Condesce's decision making process goes, but it was tight as fuck having two bros wrecking shit together, so whatevs.

You'd think having the same awesome genes, this kid would be a prodigy as well. But, nope. He didn't show any interests in swords at all. And puppets scared the shit out of him.

Dirk cared for him all the same.

But Cal...

He never gave a fuck about that kid.

It was like

Cal had a split personality.

With Dirk, he'd be the perfect guardian. Teaching him to be a badass, and sharing ideas on where to take their puppet industry. It was going to make them millionaires...Which really doesn't mean much in these times. Really, they were doing it for the lol's, which is definitely an acceptable way to spend ones life.

Imagine lying on your death bed and being all like

Well, at least I lived life doing things for the lol's.

I can now die with no regrets.

Anyway, back on track. Cal had so much time, and patience when it came to Dirk.

But, with Dave

Well

He might as well have not even been there.

Dirk had a really good thing going. But that human emotion of 'caring' made him throw it all away.

He began to resent Cal. Why couldn't he give a shit about Dave, too? Why did he have to be so different? He started to realize, Cal wasn't exactly the great guy he'd been looking up to, and wanting to be like his whole life.

What if he was chosen as a lusus one day?

He didn't want to end up like Cal.

Bitter

Spiteful

Manipulative

He didn't want to become a bully.

He thought about doing a bunch of different shit to end the situation. He even considered taking his weapon, and taking Cal out. Permanently.

But, kids without a lusus are always slated for culling. It would be so much harder to protect Dave from swarms of pissed off trolls.

But, that's only if the trolls could find them, right?

The Condesce's guard usually steered clear of Mount Ebott, for example.

Mad rumours about that place.

He began preparations to sneak his and Dave's shit to the mountain, a job that would require going back and forth for days. The hardest part, would be getting past Cal. Guy was as observant as a fucking hawk. If you moved the TV remote three inches, he would notice. So sneaking out all kinds of survival shit without him realizing...only someone with ninja levels of skill would be able to achieve it.

Good thing Dirk had ninja levels of skill.

But, ultimately, that did jack dick to help him. Because, on his very first trip to the mountain, he didn't come back.

...

I guess that mountain really is cursḙ̯͍͓̘͉d̵͓͈̹̣̮͍

...

Shi̥t...Tḥ̰̤̱̭ͅa̦͈͡t͖̫ looks about all I ̱̣̝͢c̷͔̦̪̘̥̘a̪͍̖͖̤̗n̶̟͚̩̦ ̭̣̘h̨̗̭͔̗a̶͕̣n͇̮͍̰̤̺dl͉͍̥͇̲̞ẹ̼̱̱̣̘̼ ̩̖ͅf̙͎̹or n̠̗͢ọ͖̣͘w...

 **E͏͍͚͈͎͔̤n̸̯̗d̛̪͉̖͈ ̖̜̠̘͔̲͙o̴͍͇̘̲̘f̟̜̱̱̭ ̣̲͙̩̳i̛̙̙n̼̩̝ͅt͙͡e̢͈̗̱r̛̘̹̭m̗͇͓̗̤͙ͅi҉̜̤̝ṣsi̴̱̮o̙͠n̹̮͈̳ ̶̝̲͖4͏͔̤̩̯͈̬̜,̪̗̜͚ ̲̩͟p̺̱̫̪à̠r̘̟̪͇͓ͅt ͎̝̜̼̻̫̺1̡͈.҉̻̻̮̜̠ ̣̪**


End file.
